"Horizon bound" by Heather

There is one side to this poem that says I'm sorry the past is over; however,
the other side says she's looking forward to her tomorrows and the future.
Such words as: broken heart, shed tears behind her, once held love tight
leaving what she knew are thoughts for the past.
Words such as: the horizon in front of her, now she's out on her own,
keeping pirate eyes on the horizon, grasping for her day, she finds peace
are thoughts for the future.
I like the poem because she is moving on to better things .
I feel the poem is saying don't be that sorry for me.

"Flight" by Marybeth

This is a good story about a woman that is born with wings. She struggles in life
because she is different. She is afraid to show her wings and refuses to fly.
Her friend, Frederich, a plant, always supports and encourages her. It's understandable
that she has back problems. In the end, she does venture out to fly.


"Flight" is an inspiring story to me. Even though she complains throughout the
story about her wings, I like the fact that she at least took an interest and tries
to flatten her wings. I thought the plant (stationary) and the woman (moving)
was a good combination. I like her lines, "The office: The lights! I hate the lights.
This made me laugh because I work in an office and can relate to what's she saying.
The ending was appropriate because she decides to take a risk and see what happens to her.

Carr's Review of Marybeth's Story "Flight" 2/27

Marybeth,

I like this story a lot – I think more every time I read it. Your tone here is working well with the material. I think it’s the little flourishes of sarcastic humor that do it (look at my line edits for the numerous examples of lines I liked). Having the characters acknowledge their own weirdness helps the reader feel comfortable in this world you’ve set up. I think that’s what makes the story believable. And that’s perhaps the best compliment I can pay you here, Marybeth – this world seems real to me.
OK. I also think the story works as a story. Frederich and Josephine (Austrian emperors?) meet and connect. Josephine is hiding her true nature. Frederich helps her to release that, and maybe falls in love with her (?). Then she flies away – what happens to Fred we don’t know. That definitely works.
Where I think the story could use some revision is in two areas, primarily. First, I think you would do well to tell the story from one character’s point of view – and in this case I would suggest Fred. He is the outsider here, and he is the one who helps Josephine change. By locating the POV close to him, the reader can discover things at the same time he does. And we can also begin to pull for him in his quest for whatever he’s looking for. Along those lines, I think I would make Frederich more normal. Maybe he does have a medical quirk, but I don’t think I would go so far as to make him a real “plant-boy.” You don’t put much emphasis on it here anyway, so that makes me think it could change.
Speaking of emphasis, I think the second thing you would do well to try here is to take more time. The story needs to be longer. Let the relationship between the two of them develop. Can Fred go over to J’s house? Can they interact outside the office (if only once or twice – and even then unsuccessfully might work as well)? Taking more time would let the end feel more earned. And then if you are in Fred’s POV, I think I would definitely let the story end with him. Then again, one question I had was why this flight seemed like a final goodbye. What is it about her flying that is going to necessitate her leaving for good? Just a thought.

OK. I like it. Your prose is very sharp, Marybeth. Very sharp. Keep working on this one and let me know how it’s going. Two reads: “A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings” and “Zooanthropy.”
Good luck.

Carr's Review of Israel's Poems 2/27

Israel,

“My Quest” revolves around a great topic for a poem – the search for meaning, the quest for love, happiness, peace, in a world that is seemingly unjust, violent, chaotic and mean. Excellent idea. And I like the questions you ask in the first section – “Do you feel an emotion so strongly/ That it is almost tangible?” Good. Now what your task is as a poet is to make all those intangibles tangible to us. How? By giving us concrete images. Go for the vivid here. Look to your own life for the true things around you. Look and think small. Find the real.
Similarly, in the seventh stanza when you talk about the “innocent child/ Corrupted/ Into a bloodless hound”, your image gets lost in the cliché. Innocent children? Maybe. But that seems like something you’d hear on the news. “Bloodless hound”? Where? Are children really that corrupted?
So instead of relying on our newsreel imagination, SHOW us the little kid you see. Then let us make our own judgments about her. See what I mean?
OK. This is a good draft. Now take it down to the real level of the poet – the image and the true emotion that it evokes.

I like the idea in the last line of “Life” that the answer lies in the dance. That’s interesting. I also like the idea that the Self here was blacked out for some of the ride – that it had been overly intoxicated with love and didn’t see. That’s good. Overall, though, I have the same issue with this poem as with the previous one: it’s not specific enough for me. I think you’ll find that readers can relate more to the real, little details of your life than the broad generalizations. So give us some real examples: why are you crying? What happened to your face? What scars do you have? What does death smell like to you? What faces do you see? What do you remember about your loves? Be specific.

All right. Think about it, Israel. I have the feeling that you know what you want to say, which is awesome. Now let’s refine the way you’re saying it. Be a poet!

Carr's Review of Heather's Poems 2/27

Heather,

“when he stops the tears” is a good old fashioned love poem, which I like. And this is the kind of love that springs from a cheat, which is also a good topic to exploit – for it’s there that you can relate the way that despair can transform into heat quicktime. And here I think you succeed in that regard. You start with all the “sinking further down”, and just a few lines later his hands are “grazing my bare skin.” That’s nice, and I think you do a nice job with the physical contact that takes place here – you just give us a hint, but it is a powerful hint in its suggestion. The pulling towards is palpable there. Good.
So two things: first, the opening of the poem is too abstract for me right now. Can you be more concrete in your description? What are you doing there? Why? Be specific. Second, I think the ending of the poem needs more development. It’s too quick to “we’re perfect together.” Seems like there should be some doubt, some hesitation, something. Even if the woman doesn’t stop, or even if she is deluding herself, she should know that. So maybe try to achieve that by slowing down and showing more of what the woman was thinking, feeling, seeing, etc during the moment. Then the ending might feel earned.
All right. Think about it.

OK. There are some things I like a lot about “horizon bound.” First, the opening is very nice: “a broken heart behind the wheel of a/ brand-new Chevrolet.” I like how that makes us identify with the heart rather than the person. That’s cool. I also really like the line, “keeping pirate eyes on the horizon.” That’s a great line, and my biggest suggestion for the poem is to use that metaphor – of the woman as a pirate – throughout the poem. Play with it. Let he be a pirate on the road. Let her tell you and us what it is like out there: what she’s looking for, what she’s hoping to find, what she can take advantage of. For that’s what pirates do – they take advantage of others for their own gain. And they’re not afraid to fight, but would probably prefer to be rewarded with the least effort possible. Yeah, that could be very interesting.

All right. There’s some very good stuff to work with here, Heather. Good luck with these and see me with questions.

Carr's Review of Dan's Story 2/27

Dan,

When I first started reading “see No Evil,” I thought, ‘ Well, he doesn’t quite have the blind thing down.’ I mean, missing the cake? That’s a bit much to swallow. Then I got to p. 2 where the mother says, “If you are real good, do everything that you are told, stay out of trouble, and pray really hard, then on your sixteenth birthday, God will let you see.” And I thought, ‘Here it is. This is the creepshow.’ And I liked that. I liked the idea that this was going to be some freaky mom who basically is whacked and taking it out on her son. Yikes. That has a bunch of potential, a la Stephen King. Then I get to the end, and I discover that this isn’t a story, but the set up for a joke, and I was truly disappointed, Dan. I mean, the joke isn’t even funny.

So anyhow, if you want to keep working on this, I have a couple of suggestions. The first is to ramp up the creep. Make the mom truly weird. My wife suggested having her sleep with him under the guise of being his girlfriend or a prostitute. Now, that’s sick. Something like that, though, is what this story needs if it’s going to appeal. But then you’re going to have to make a choice about POV. Of course you’d probably want to go with Billy’s. But then you’ve got to do some serious research about blind people – which it doesn’t seem like you’ve done here.

Mechanically you need to watch that your verb tense is consistent in your work. You shift here on p. 3 and it really drags the story down. So pay closer attention.

All right. You’ve got some things to work with. See me with questions.

To Marybeth

From Heather

I enjoyed this short story because it was about something abnormal and mutant. It took these two people who were considered “freaks” and put them in perspective as human beings with feelings, dreams, desires…etc. I liked the initial description of the two characters and how the story only focuses on those two; no one else even has a name. The line “like two strings humming together on the same pitch” is a excellent simile to explain how these two people relate to the world around them and how they relate to each other. I like how a majority of the short story is a dialogue between the two characters because it provides a real insight into their thoughts and explains why they do some of the things they do. It helps to elaborate on them as characters. I thought the ending was quite brief, and shouldn’t have been so blunt. More could be done to explain what happened to her after she jumped. Good job referencing the movie, I have seen it and it relates to the story.

To Dan

From Heather

I feel really feel bad for Billy and I dislike his mother because she has a sick sense of humor. The title is really nice and gives a good foreshadow to the rest of the story. Personally, I think it’s a little too much “Billy did this, then Billy did that.” More details could be added, i.e. describe the birthday cake so we (the reader) can have the same visual in their mind that you did writing this piece. You could improve the piece by adding more atmospheric details and how Billy feels about things; add his thoughts and feelings as much as you can to give us the insight into his mind. Put his inner thoughts as dialogue. Some of these sentences could be combined to make more complex sentences, and a more detailed story. I really like the paragraph where it describes every thing Billy did to be a “good person” so God would allow him to see on his 16^th birthday.

To Israel

From Heather

I like these two poems. The second one was a bit long for my personal taste and kind of confused me, but I felt I could relate to the feelings they expressed. The first one creates very strong visuals towards the end of the poem when it mentions the haunting eyes of the child. It evokes an image of those children from the third world countries with the deep stares and their eyes. The second poem, “Life,” was moderately creepy in the beginning with the images of death, and the violent actions of fighting. The line “the faces in the night haunt me” brought to my mind the images of 1000 souls, like the faces of the souls trapped in Purgatory, or the million haunted souls from the first poem. I like how these two poems kind of seem to run together with a common thread, like two poems in a series. The two lines “Am I running in place / slowly slipping backwards?” spoke to me because those two lines put into words how I feel during times in my life, a feeling I’m sure we’ve all felt at one time. I think your use of imagery works well in your pieces and allows the reader to relate to your work. Your stanzas are all basically the same length, and it would work nicely if they were all about the same length with one long stanza at the beginning and end.

Dan Baldwin Comments

“See No Evil” Summary:

“See No Evil” is about a blind boy who wants to see more than anything else. His mother promised him that God would let him see when he turned 16 on April 1^st. It turns out, it was just an April Fools joke.

“See No Evil” Response:

Dan, your story was brilliant. I am extremely impressed with your creativity. In fiction, nothing beats a good surprise ending. The title, by the way, is very fitting. You give great sensory detail in the beginning of the story. I love the part where Billy is describing the cake: “He knew this for now he could feel the heat from the flames warm on his face and a mixture of smoke and chocolate tickled his nose.” This detail gives the reader a great sensory description and makes him feel as if he was actually there. Up until the end of the story, the reader is in a constant state of suspense and anticipation wondering if the boy will actually get his sight back. The reader is really able to connect with the boy and through out the story he is hoping Billy will get his wish. When I read the end I was filled with anger toward the mother; like the title foreshadows, she truly is evil. I loved the story and I wouldn’t change a thing. Any story that can bring out such strong emotions in the reader is truly great.

Israel Comments

“My Quest” Summary:

“My Quest” is about the struggle against all of the horrible things in this world and who you turn to for answers about these things.

“My Quest” Response:

This is a beautiful poem Israel. It’s very inspiring. I love the beginning where it starts with “let me ask you a question.” That line does a good job of drawing the reader in. You have a very good way of giving descriptions to make a statement and to prove your point. My favorite is the line, “The haunting eyes of yet another innocent child corrupted.” The whole poem flows very well together. I also love how you ask the reader so many deep questions. As I was reading the poem, the questions made me want to reflect on myself and maybe try to answer them. I like how in the middle of the poem you wrote, “I do not forsake the idea of god, but perhaps I do at times question his answers,” then in the very last line you go on to write, “for without that dear god I am forever lost.” Those two lines help unify the poem and answer some of the questions you posed in the beginning. It’s a great poem, I loved it.

“Life” Summary:

This poem shows life as a struggle and a fight. The one thing that makes everything better is being able to dance.

“Life” Response:

This is a great poem to. I love the first four lines, “the fight, the struggle, the battle, it hurts.” It’s very fast-paced and intense. I love when you write, “I want to close my eyes, sleep a dreamless night, just the comfort of darkness to enfold me.” I got the impression that this was a metaphor for death. When you think of sleep, you don’t usually think of it as dreamless. I love how you continue with this metaphor and write “Is this nightmare truly worth it?” Not only do you refer to death as dreamless, but you refer to life as a nightmare. I don’t know if this was intended, but I think it’s great. I also like the repetition of the word old on the second page. When you talk about dace, do you mean it literally, or is dance another metaphor for everything in life that makes you happy? My favorite part of the poem is the last seven lines because they sound so aesthetic together.

Anna Ransom Comments

“Trees” Summary:

The poem “Trees” describes different aspects of trees and goes into great detail about them.

“Trees” Response:

I enjoyed reading this poem Anna. It’s very descriptive and I think that’s great. I love how you describe how the tree looks in every season. My favorite description is when you compare the tree to a musician in the fall because the wind whistles through the branches. I also like your spring description when you write, “finger tips adorned with jewels ready to burst.” Your descriptions give the reader a very vivid idea of what the trees look like in the different seasons. I love the beginning when you write, “Elegant and poised, arms reaching to heaven.” The first sentence and the last sentence, “Nevertheless confined to give, not take, coolness, frolicking beckoning beauties,” help to give the poem an overall tone of peacefulness and beauty. If I were to change one thing it would be in line eleven when you describe dead leaves as “wax paper treasures.” When I picture a dead leaf I just can’t see it as being waxy, I picture it more as crumbled up and decaying. Overall I thought your poem was very good.

“Love is a Season” Summary:

The poem “Love is a Season” compares a woman’s love for a man to the different seasons of the year.

“Love is a Season” Response:

I like how you’re keeping with the nature theme as in your first poem. You do a very good job of comparing love to the different seasons. My favorite comparison is when he first enters your life in the spring, “He sauntered in like a breeze, cool, refreshing, bringing with him blossoming love.” When you describe love in the spring it changes the mood of the poem from the loneliness of the cold winter to something a little warmer and refreshing. I love the phrase “blossoming love.” I think it’s a perfect way to convey love as a season. The same is true of your sentence, “His arms, lazy, warm.” If I were to change one thing it would be the wording in line eight. You write, “Then I fell. It was fall.” I would make it clear to the reader that you fell in love, not down the stairs. It’s a very good poem, I really enjoyed reading it.

Marybeth Mareski Comments

“Flight” Summary:

“Flight” is about a plant man and a woman with wings who work on the same floor. Their friendship feeds off one another until the plant man enables the woman with wings to finally take flight.

“Flight” Response:

This is a good story, I enjoyed reading it. A man whose skin is like a plants, and a woman that has wings is a great concept to work with. I like how you leave the reader wondering in the end: Did she fly; if so, where did she go? I love how you use metaphor in the first paragraph: “there was a certain note of disgust that sang between them, like two strings humming together on the same pitch.” It gives the reader a great description of how Frederich and Josephine interact with one another. When you wrote the line, “How do you like Fourteen,” it took me a while to realize you where talking about the floor. I would consider maybe revising that sentence. Another sentence that confused me a little was, “I Have had to take a moment several times, for fear of the vapors.” What does this sentence mean, what are the vapors? Overall, I thought it was a very good story, there’s not much I would change.

When He StopsThe Tears

I really liked this poem. It reminds me of something I would write. I could really relate to it. I liked the description of when they are kissing and are holding each other. I could remember what that feels like through that description. I liked this simile, “my eyes brown dark as the richest chocolate”. I thought it was really creative. I thought this poem flowed and fit together nicely. Nice poem.

Horizon Bound

I liked this poem, I liked the subject matter. I liked the first two lines. “a broken heart behind the wheel of a, brand-new Chevrolet”. I could just really relate to that line. I’ve been heartbroken many times by many different thing and I have a Chevy. I also liked the word choice “private eyes”. I just liked the way the words fit together. I would like to know more about more the girl in the poem. Maybe make it a little more descriptive to give the reader a clearer picture.

Life

I loved this poem. I loved the message behind it. I tend to think negatively about life a lot and this poem reminds me life can be pretty good. I liked how the poem started off dark and depressing but gets lighter as it continues on. Like your other poem it catches the reader in beginning and is descriptive. There are two lines I really like from this poem. The first one is “Just the comfort of darkness to enfold me.” I thought it was a beautifully written line and enfold was a great word choice. I also liked the line “The intoxication of love”. I loved that line because I know when I first fall in love with someone new it is like being intoxicated. I wouldn’t change a thing about this poem.

My Quest

I liked this poem a lot. I liked how you opened it with questions, it catches the readers attention. I like how you continue to use the questions throughout the poem. This poem can really make you think, I don’t how it couldn’t. It’s very descriptive so a reader could really feel the emotion behind the poem. “Where is the goddess of love? Who is the goddess of peace? What is the goddess of harmony? And why is there no goddess of happiness?” I really liked this stanza. I guess because I could relate to it. I think most people could. I can’t really think of anything I’d change.

Flight

I enjoyed reading this story. It has a nice flow to it and it kept me wanting to read more. I didn’t want to put it down. I thought “Flight” had very good descriptive language. I can get a good picture in my head of these two characters. The whole story itself was pretty descriptive. There were really creative lines in the story as well. “…but there was a certain note of disgust that sang between them, like two strings humming together on the same pitch. “ This line stood out to me, it was very clever. I can’t really think of much to change or to improve. I would like to know if Josephine could fly though.

israel's poems

my quest

Very dark and dramatic, railing against some sort of injustice and briefly questioning faith.

I found compelling the traditional use of 'g-d' in lieu of 'God' even while questioning 'the method to his "madness,"' I think it shows the struggling with the concept. Also the phrase 'bloodless hound,' is vivid and the bloodless part suggests the undead without outright saying it. But to me this poem felt unfocused, and it railed against 'this justice/In an unjust world' and 'this mockery of peace.' I have no idea what this means, except possibly the way this country is run, which wasn't even hinted at. This poem is deeply righteous without any suggestion as to what, though given how it ends perhaps it is a cry for personal connection instead of impersonal society? Is that your quest?


Life

The speaker is deeply distraught about 'the fight,' and extols the importance of always choosing to dance.

What fight? What struggle? What is this speaker so angry and distraught about? Might it be the sort of zombie-ish-ness of living day to day to make money and no longer enjoying living (the only thing I can think of)? And if so, what might it have to do with 'scars [that] never seem to heal'? Is that a Star Wars reference? I'm so lost.

"See No Evil"

I really liked this story. I thought the story was very creative. No where did I see that ending coming. It was hysterical. It had a good title too, “See No Evil”. I thought it was a good title considering Billy was blind and what his mother did. This story was also very nicely written, it flowed nicely and didn’t have a bunch of extra un-needed details. I honestly can’t think of anything I would change about it. Good job!

See No Evil

To: Dan Baldwin
From: Jessica
Re: See No Evil

This story is about a boy named Billy who's mother (no name provided) has taken care of little blind Billy his whole life. On his 15th b-day he makes a wish that on his 16th he will be able to see. So his mother tells him to be a good little boy and he will be given the gift of sight. So little Billy prays, cleans, does his homework a week in advance etc. So on the day before his b-day his mom gives him keys to his car. Then the next day on his 16th bday he awakens only to find that he is still blind. He calls for his mother and asks how this could be but all his mother could do was laugh and say "April Fools!" As for comments/suggestions, the authors voice is not very strong in this story, too many Billy's. The overall theme of this story seems to me a bit harsh. Its as if this boy's entire life was a joke to his mother. That he himself is a joke. Just the idea of a person being blind is not a funny sort of thing. Not sure I get the purpose or point of this story other than sarcasm. Honestly I did not find it amusing.

Life

To: Israel Loeb
From: Jessica
Re: Life

Another well written poem. I sense a theme of a struggle between a dark painful side and a perseverance to push through the negativity. As if the author is striving for better things in life. A reminder of what was and still could be was the line, "joy as you dance as you lose yourself in the sounds" or "the thrill of new places and new faces the intoxication of love". As for suggestions perhaps change a bit of the wording (weary instead of wary) and (but the tortured of the past instead of tortures) and the tense shifts at times. Overall another good poem.

My Quest

To: Israel Loeb
From: Jessica
Re: My Quest

This poem is well written and very powerful. It describes an inner struggle with god and all of the unanswered questions surrounding the authors place in society. It seems as though the author yearns for a purpose in "an unjust world". I get the sense of sorrow, regret, and pain from this poem. As far as suggestions go I don't have any.

Flight

To: Marybeth Mareski

From: Jessica

Re: Flight



This story is quite imaginative. It talks about a man and a woman who work together. One day they happen to meet through a door marked 'roof access'. On this roof they each share a bit of themselves such as Frederich who is a plant and needs sunlight and Josephine who has feathered wings. This story is basically a journey of discovery and challenge. It outlines Frederich's trying to get her to fly. You did a nice job describing the appearances (posture) of the characters. As for suggestions, I would like to have read a bit more about why the characters ended up with such interesting features. Also a little bit more about their personalities. Good story.

Horizon Bound

To: Heather Wiegand
From: Jessica
Re: Horizon Bound


Again I like the emotion this poem conveys, a somber yet renewing effect. Two of my favorite lines would have to be, "A broken heart behind the wheel" and "Keeping pirate eyes on the horizon". As for suggestiond perhaps take out a few "hers" and maybe a little bit more imagery. Try describing the surroundings...what this horizon looks like. The one line "hands gripping the stereo and steering wheel" needs to be changed. Overall though I like the idea.

When he stops the tears

To: Heather Wiegand
From: Jessica
Re: When he stops the tears

I like the emotion this poem displays. The feeling that you want to trust this person but are not sure. As if you are tempted but at the same time innocent. I like the line, " My eyes dark as the richest chocolate". As for suggestions perhaps a different title, maybe something the describes the emotion that is put through in the poem.

Dan's story

See No Evil

A blind boy's mother has convinced him that if he prays and is a righteous boy, God will reward him with sight on his sixteenth birthday, which happens to be April 1. She even buys him a car in preparation for the day when he still wakes up blind and she gets to yell 'April Fools!'


First off, there's some phrases and word choice that I enjoyed, such as the candle flames failing to even 'twitch' from Billy's 'explosive exhale' (vivid, and alliterative), Billy 'lava red in the face.' I like the setup for the following line here: "Billy couldn't believe what he was looking at. He saw nothing.' I think setup for the whole story is clever, almost as a joke itself with the last line serving as the punchline. But why is she so hateful? I didn't get a single hint as to why. I can speculate resentment, but that wasn't hinted at in the story, either. If it's simply a mystery, I suppose I'm willing to accept that. One obvious problem, easily solved: you keep tense shifting in the story. Given that the story takes place over the period of a year, it might make more sense to put in past tense, but then again it might not. Cheers.

heather's poems

horizon bound

Of a girl driving away from heartbreak and towards the horizon.

A few things I liked right away: the juxtaposition of the broken heart vs. the brand-new Chevrolet, perhaps suggesting a renewal? Her 'hands gripping the stereo and steering wheel / once held love tight,' suddenly moving from corporeal to incorporeal grasping (though I think the gripping of the wheel is a much more vivid image -- hands on faux-leather at 10 and 2 -- than gripping a stereo knob). I like the phrase 'keeping pirate eyes on the horizon' -- suggesting a sort of opportunistic squint. A few other observations: there is a period in the 3rd to last line and the last line, and nowhere else, and I was wondering the intent of that. Also, the closing -- sudden satisfaction after a poem about the start of a journey -- seemed somewhat abrupt. Finally, I wanted to see this explore the impossibility of reaching the horizon, since it is always equally distant, and that seemed especially in contrast with the facile ending. But the poem itself had a lot of elements that I appreciated.


when he stops the tears

The poem is perfectly summarized by the title.

I appreciated that there seemed to be a theme of falling early in the poem, evidenced by the words 'sinking,' 'falling,' and 'fall,' in the first 11 lines, with the last immediately juxtaposed as words falling 'forth from the soft lips you kiss,' against the expectation of the poem. Assuming I got it right, the line 'the strength you press your body to mine,' is more of a comforting embrace rather than a sexual embrace -- there's a few lines about fingers grazing bare skin as well, as in 'only to pull me closer' but in an embracing and nonsexual way. That wasn't what I expected and I appreciated being surprised. There's a line at the end 'we're perfect together,' which I had a question about -- does he say it or is it a statement? Because it seems from the evidence that he is more perfect for the speaker, as in he fulfills her needs. There's some aspects of this poem that I sincerely enjoyed, but it raises some questions for me -- why is this girl crying? Where are these people? Why are they perfect together?

sara's poems

Intentions of the Intentional

I do now know the intent behind the poem, but to be fair, initially I recall feeling completely puzzled. References to Fats Domino, crying lovers, young girls being appraised by strangers.


I initally fell for the usage. I simply enjoy the sound of the first stanza, the unexpected rhymes and alliteration. Did you possibly mean 'Rome to Paris perish'? Just a thought. It seems that you write often, there's confidence here to move away from the conventional and employ your own developed voice. 'the sound of sweetness/strike on the sun swept bracken' richly alliterative, 'the dry execution of one tender palm to the next' vividly suggesting to me the dry chafing noise and action of two rubbing hands. I have only one real complaint: 'those damned starvation ghouls,' seems impossible for me to decipher and clumsy to say. It trips me up. Natually, overall impressed nonetheless.


Manakaure and Khamerernebty

Based on Google evidence, seems to me the mournful cry of once vital, powerful lovers finding themselves crumbling as sad and simple stone.

Antiquated tone, provided by some syntax and word choice: 'speakest silence,' 'to-morrow,' 'to-day,' -- 'thou' always a dead giveaway. Comes off pretty natural. I love the turn of phrase 'viral cry,' I do envision a scream multiplying, virus-like, as it bounces off the walls of a city, spreading through the area. I love this: 'That by which existence measures northward, escapes;/if not steepled as to break some northward walls.' I can't quite grasp the meaning of this, though I have intimations of looking heavenward -- I cannot imagine it being north of Egypt -- and if not heavenward (heav'nward! to keep with your archaic tone) then I simply do not know. Anyway, right, lots of catching imagery and word choice -- I might like to see some sort of symmetry or reason to the shape of these words on the page, but that could be a love for order.

Matt's poems

The Anti Utopian Experience

Speaker addressing reader or character with some urgency, seems disaffected, and then avers that something (the message?) is the anti-utopian experience.

Aggressive, almost hostile tone, perhaps because of the imperatives, or possibly the imagve of crushing the subject's bones with the speaker's words. As a result, to me, the 'we are the anti-love/this is the anti-utopian experience' seems like the menacing mesage of some sort of sinister underground society. Also, for some reason I really connected with the lines "back away from the hollywood/it is a deadly weapon." I've sort of been contemplating the television/film industry as a mechanism of promoting impossible dreams that make it difficult to obtain happiness. I have one big question -- 'this' is referred to several times in the poem, once in each stanza actually: 'this is of the utmost importance,' 'this wasn't the purpose,' 'this is in our best interest,' 'this is the anti-utopian experience.' It seems pressing to discern what exactly 'this' is -- the poem? The message of the poem? But I don't feel like I was given any hints. Nonetheless, I was intriguied by the poem.


Madmans Lullabye

Possibly the dyspeptic ranting of a madman in a nightmarish dystopia, or downtrodden response to modern life.

I am possibly because of the Big Brother reference totally envisioning the setting of this poem as the filmic 1984. I found some vivid images in this poem, the first stanza with the sheep 'all caught on the fence,' as if in midjump, though i might have liked 'riding the fence' better, to reference the colloquialism. Also 'if I was able to unclench my fist/ I would dig myself out of the hole.' I like the unexpected juxtaposition of 'counted' to 'slaughtered.' And I like slaughter as a vivid word. I felt that both poems had strong endings, as well.

Sara Nell

“The Intentions of the Intentional” Summary:

“The Intentions of the Intentional” is about something. I think. It talks a little about jazz, and crying, and strangers.

“The Intentions of the Intentional” Response:

The first word that comes to mind is WOW!! Maybe I’m just a poem illiterate, but “The Intentions of the Intentional” just didn’t make much sense to me. I tried following the suggestions from “Sleeping on the Wing,” but after reading it five times I’m still a little confused. Because the meaning of the poem is beyond me, I’m left only to critique its poetic form. I love the first stanza, “When in every weep, the weary reap. And Rome to Paris parish quick to follow feet of fast and fettered fools.” That line flows perfectly and it’s a well worded and intriguing way to start the poem. I also liked the form of a stanza followed by another stanza, followed by repetition of a word. If I were to change one thing, I would consider removing the “/” marks, because it can confuse some readers as to what to say if they are reading aloud.

“Mankaure and Khamerernebty” Summary:

If I were to take my best guess, I’d say this poem is about a girl who broke up with her boyfriend.

“Mankaure and Khamerernebty” Response:

Reminiscent of the first poem, this one’s also a bit hard to follow. I noticed it has a lot of contradiction in it, for example, “love and lover not,” and “time not time for minute’s sake.” I found this contradiction interesting in a good way. I also like that the poem includes quoted dialogue such as “I never knew it, but I loved you then.” The dialogue takes a sharp turn from the poetically structured stanzas, and gives the reader a sudden sense of reality. One thing that really confused me was the word, “lamitisoflate.” Is that a combination of words, or just a made up word? If it’s made up, what does it mean? I’m also puzzled on your use of the term philosophy. What philosophical views are held in the sentence, “We are already to-morrow; to-day is nothing but what we used to be.” Furthermore, in mid-sentence, a thing is replaced with a person. Maybe it’s supposed to be, I just don’t know anymore.

Mike Rocks

“To Protect” Summary:

The beginning of the story depicts a father killing his son with a sword. We then find out that the son is a demon and the whole thing is just a dream. The next segment of the story describes the morning chores of a young man, who by the end of the story is forced to go to the “kingdom” to see the “weapon master.”

“To Protect” Response:

Overall, the story was good, but there are a lot of changes that need to be made. Grammatically, I counted over 30 errors, most of which are in the first three paragraphs. These errors include misspellings, verb usage, and run-on sentences. The story itself felt too much like a Harry Potter novel. Similarities to Harry Potter include a “magic academe,” a scar on the boy’s body, and an unexplained past where the main character was the only one found alive. The similarities are too strong and the story comes off as sounding less original. Also, I’m not sure what the dream in the first paragraph has to do with anything. In a longer work of fiction the dream might be acceptable, but in something so short it’s best to stick to the main story line. As for the story line, it didn’t have much explanation. What is the boy training for? who are the knights? Why do they need weapons? Why does Mary force the main character to go with her? It’s a good start, but I think it needs a lot more work to make it perfect.

Matt Comments

“The Anti Utopian Experience” Summary:

“The Anti Utopian Experience” is written in a way that addresses another person. It talks about purpose and the here and now, though it’s unclear to me what is exactly being addressed.

“The Anti Utopian Experience” Response:

This is a great poem. I love the first line, “Stare at me, don’t lose focus, this is of the utmost importance.” It’s a very strong sentence, and it draws the reader in as if he were personally being addressed and told to focus. For some reason the next line, “your eyes are the only thing still evolving, everything else has ceased production” gives it a sort of mechanical feel. It’s kind of like the feeling you get when you listen to Pink Floyd’s “Welcome to the Machine.” I love the line “here and now – hear me now.” I think those words sound cool together. I was a little confused as to what the poem was actually addressing. I would love it if you included an explanation of the line, “Back away from Hollywood, it is a deadly weapon.” It seems to me that this line is very important, but its meaning isn’t very clear.

“Madmans Lullabye” Summary:

“Madmans Lullabye,” in my opinion, is about a crazy person. He talks about his twisted thoughts, his nightmares, and a few of his societal beliefs.

“Madmans Lullabye” Response:

Out of all the poems I’ve read this week, “Madmans Lullabye” is by far my favorite. It gives you such a strong feeling of both unrest and intrigue. The first line, “How many sheep have you counted? Mine are all caught on the fence,” is worded very eloquently. It lets the reader know exactly how twisted the mind of the person is. When I read the line “How many sheep have you slaughtered? It still never helps with the silence,” I immediately thought of “Silence of the Lambs.” I don’t know if it was intentional or not, but it’s a good reference to make in such a poem. The rhyming words such as “passé” and “day,” “cringe” and “binge,” really help the poem to flow. The poem is very very deep, for example, the line “And if I died in a world like this I could never rest my soul.” My favorite line is “how many sheep have you counted? Child, you will never be free.” That line sends chills down my spine. I think it’s most effective word is “child” because it gives the madman a feeling of superiority and wisdom. I can honestly say that I would not change a thing.

Jessica Fugate Comments

“Surrender” Summary:

The poem “Surrender” is about a woman’s who expresses her feelings toward a man. She describes what it’s like when he’s around her.

“Surrender” Response:

I really enjoyed reading this poem. It’s written very well. I love the short three or four word lines, they flow together perfectly. My favorite line is, “Around you I am me, Free.” I think that line alone sums up everything she is feeling. I also love how descriptive the poem is when it comes to her specific feelings and desires. Words like “satisfaction” and “truth” really help to convey what she feels. Furthermore, these words help to give the poem an overall feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment. As far as what I would change, there isn’t very much. I suppose I would change the last line. Instead of “to let you know, that I see you,” I would write a line that has to do with the theme of satisfaction, or maybe a line that reflects the poems title of “Surrender.” Overall, it’s one of my favorite poems that I’ve read so far.

“Obscure” Summary:

The poem “Obscure” is about someone how is opening herself up, laying all of her cards on the table to the person she is with.

“Obscure” Response:

I like “obscure” as well. It’s very short and easy to read. The poem gets right to the point, for example, “Try and test to look for proof when all you need is in front of you.” Its meaning is clear, it’s about someone who is “bearing her soul” to the man she is with. My favorite line is the last one, “I have nothing to hide from you, look into my eyes for unsaid truths.” It’s very deep. One thing I would do is make the poem a little longer, go into detail about how reveling her “unsaid truths” makes her feel. The title confused me a little bit, is it implying that the person opening herself up is usually obscure and hard to read? Another thing I would consider revising is line eight, “with conformation.” All of the other lines had at least three words, and I thing this two word line interrupts the flow of the poem.

Jen Burghardt Comments

“My Yesterday” Summary:

“My Yesterday” is about a girl who doesn’t like the present because she no longer has the person she loves. Therefore, she takes the present for granted and attempts to live life in the past.

“My Yesterday” Response:

I think this is a great poem because it’s so forward and direct. I like the way it comes right out and says, “My today doesn’t have him.” It lets the reader know the feeling of the poem right from the start. I also found the repetition of the word “yesterday” to be very aesthetic, especially in line three where it simply reiterates the phrase, “My yesterday.” I like the internal rhyme in line nine which reads, “In my today his smile is far away,” I don’t know if that was intentional or not, but it works. I also like the phrase in line ten, “I long for my yesterday to return.” It gives the poem a certain feeling of sophistication. If I were to change one thing, however, it would be the word “lackluster” in line five. The word lackluster means dull or lacking radiance, which fits the poem perfectly; the word itself, however, stands out and interrupts the flow of the poem. I would replace it with a similar word such as dull.

“Eyes Closed” Summary:

“Eyes Closed” is about a boy who was hurting. No one noticed because he kept it to himself and didn’t show anyone his pain. For him, life was just easier keeping the pain inside.

“Eyes Closed” Response:

The poem “Eyes Closed” really makes you wonder. It’s very vague and gives no reference as to what kind of factors are causing the boy to hurt. Its vagueness is probably a good thing because it lets the reader use his own imagination, which in my experience is never bad. I also found the poem style to be interesting. Because the lines are so short and to the point the poem comes across as sounding fast passed, almost as if it were a stream of consciousness. Similarly to “My Yesterday,” I enjoyed the repetition of the phrase, “He kept it” in lines three and four. Another thing I liked was the last line where the words “eyes closed” ended the poem. Though the poems abruptness evokes a certain feeling, I think it wouldn’t hurt to include more detail. By “detail” I don’t mean explanation of the boy’s feelings, but rather a larger description of the feelings themselves.

Heather Wiegand Comments

“Horizon Bound” Summary:

This poem is about a girl how just broke up with her boyfriend and is driving away to find a better life and maybe a little peace of mind.

“Horizon Bound” Response:

“Horizon Bound” is a very simple, to the point poem. It gives you the feeling of sorrow, but at the same time a feeling of comfort. I can imagine the feelings she has depicted; driving fast down the highway with nothing on your mind but the horizon before you. The thought of the horizon and the comfort it holds replaces the feeling of anger or sorrow with something a little more serene. I like the line, “the horizon in front of her, shed tears behind her.” It gives a feeling of acceptance, like she is moving forward and not backward. I would love if there was a better description of the setting. For example, describe the time of day, the level and brightness of the sun, the feeling of the wind in your hair, and the kind of music playing on the radio.

“When he Stops the Tears” Summary:

This poem is about a girl who has probably had a lot of guy trouble in the past, but is comforted by the person she is with. He stops her tears and assures her that they are right for one another.

“When he Stops the Tears” Response:

“When he Stops the Tears” is a very deep poem. I love the use of descriptive words such as desolate, despair, and sinking, to give the initial feeling of sadness. The turning point is with the line, “somehow you find your way to me,” and that sadness is slowly replaced with the feeling of warmth and love. I like that you included the dialogue “baby, please don’t cry,” because it gives the poem a more realistic feeling. I also like how he listed all of the good qualities between them: faithfulness, honesty, sincerity. It strengthens his point that he really is different, and not like the others. I wouldn’t change much with this poem, it flows well and it’s very deep and meaningful.

Brendon Watts Comments

“I Think the ‘Run Like Hell’ was Implied” Summary:

This story is in first person. The main character gets knocked out and tied up by his co-worker, who steels from the business and runs off with the owner’s wife. The main character escapes his restraints and tracks his co-worker down. After he finds him, the owner of the business comes in and shoots the main character in the face.

“Think the ‘Run Like Hell’ was Implied” Response:

This story is very funny and a bit gross. I love the first paragraph. The thought of Marshmallow Men really gets the reader wondering and it sets the humorous tone of the entire story. You don’t find out until latter that the “Marshmallow Men” are in fact men in bio-hazard suits. Not only does the dialogue flow very well, but a comical tone is clearly present. One of my favorite lines is “Sunday went fast because I had a concussion and I don’t remember it.” I also like the line “Um. I said, and meant it,” which was used through out the story. The character getting shot in the face was written in painful detail. It was almost too disgusting to read. I did notice one possible mistake. When the main character is arguing with the front desk clerk, the clerk gives him the room number, only to be followed by another demand for the room number. I don’t know if this was intentional or not, but if it was an attempt to be funny, it just didn’t work. The story also left me with a few questions I would have liked better explained. Why is the title called, “I Think the ‘Run Like Hell’ was implies,” and what’s the deal with the three mice in the suitcase? Overall, I thought it was very entertaining.

to protect

Gentleman awakes from awful dream of being killed by his father for being a wife-killing demon, spends a lot of time preparing for the day, masters a new magical skill, and is led to the kingdom to choose a weapon.

It starts out very vividly, and the line, to the son, "You're the damn demon that killed my wife!" resonated with me for some reason, perhaps because I haven't seen that setup before in fantasy. And I do love a fantasy story with a strong female character, I do so hate the boys' club atmosphere of fantasy writing. But to be honest, one of the first things I noticed was the indifferent punctuation and spelling, and I had an awful time getting over it. The story didn't come off right in my head, so it was difficult to imagine, so I had difficulty responding to it. All the same, I was starting to get into it and then it just up and ended. Whom is he protecting? I personally have an awful time finishing fantasy fiction myself, I personally find it lends itself more to an epic than a short story. But I hope to see yours finished.

run like hell

Gentleman's coworker assaults him, robs their place of employment, kidnaps him and runs away with his boss' wife (I think). Gentleman (Mike) wakes from coworker-inflicted head-trauma, escapes his captivity, runs into marshmallow men, threatens a desk clerk, ends up brutually mutilated. That's what you get for threatening the staff.

I assumed straight out of the gate that this would be a humorous story, the grisly violence sort of took me by surprise. It did have sort of a humorous tone, and it wasn't forced, it was actually pulled off pretty well. There were a few recurring words and sentences (references to marshmallow men repeated verbatim), and that did sort of tie the story back to the beginning effectively. And the descriptions of people were very well done, one especially vivid image was bangs as 'shiny plastic fingers clutching at his eyebrows.' Besides a sort of major one -- what's Karl's motivation? -- the few questions/suggestions I have are mostly nitpicky. It's a kind of weak, unlikely anecdote about the gentlemen's prior experience at the difficult-to-recall discount motel chain. Mille/Minnie's death was completely unexpected, I sort of like to see a heroin overdose hinted at in advance. Also, could have used some explanation of Mike's rationale for telling Dorlan there was a cop behind him. But overall, I thought it was a strong story with a well-developed narrative voice and I definitely enjoyed reading it.

Jessica's poems

Surrender

Summary: Seems to me this is a poem about having a special connection to someone who brings out the best in you, and striving to please him/her.

Reponse: I like the somewhat irregular rhyming (rhymey-ness?) right out of the gate. I am a big fan of rhyming without a solid rhyme scheme. I do like the title, too, 'surrender' is a good word for the tone of this poem. That said, perhaps it's my feminist background, I found the theme of surrender a little disconcerting in one particular line, 'I have no limits/So it's easier to please you.' I understand intellectually that this person makes the speaker feel free, but I would like to see some examples of the kind of actions or feelings this entails, so that I could understand it emotionally as well, viscerally. Also, the lines 'But I am not trying to compete/Or even win' kind of threw me off, I don't know where the theme of competition came from, and it doesn't seem to mesh with the rest of the poem. But I liked the renewing of the rhymey-ness again at the end.


Obscure

Summary: I think it's about a lover who is trying to convince her counterpart that her love is for real.

Response: I like the ending line, 'Look into my eyes/For unsaid truths,' I like how it contrasts the acts of looking and speaking, and body language vs. spoken language. Is this about an overly rational lover who is suspicious of pure feeling and needs data, like a scientist lover? I found it hard to decipher/connect with this poem, because there weren't a lot of details. I had to read it several times to come up with a hypothesis. It evoked a sort of vague situation that I couldn't relate to, but wasn't specific enough to evoke a specific image that I could imagine. I sort of see a girl standing there looking at ... someone, but I get no sense of the other person. That said, I think you've chosen some pretty good one-word titles.

Jen's poems

Eyes Closed

Summary: A male is hurting on the inside; he denies it and lives his life with his 'eyes closed.'

Response: This effectively portrays a person who is depressed. In a literal sense, it makes me think of someone who sleeps all of the time. On the other hand, I don't know why this person is hurt or what he's hiding from, and the language is very straightfoward, and not very evocative. I'd like to see some sensory words. I think, finally, it may have been a little too simple for me. I'd like to see some more detail.

My Yesterday

Summary: A person is living in the past, yearning for yesterday because it has 'his warm loving smile,' and today is lackluster in comparison.

Reponse: This poem evokes a mood of sadness and longing for the past. I like the use of 'lackluster,' I feel as though it implies an automatic comparison to the lustre of the past. Again, it is very literal and straightfoward and could use some examples to explain for instance the way that his smile made the character feel, and contrast it to the way that the character feels now.

The Madman's Utopian Experience

Hmm...this is hard. Without getting into personal politics (that's the hard part), these poems spoke to me with anarchical ring. They were very structured though. Was that intentional? I'd say rebel make the whole poem the title and the poem: Fuck. in twelve point courier font. Grease the wheels, man. Throw Webster's unabridged dictionary at'em. I was in a riot once. Never slept better. Some poor schmo got the crap beat out of him by some cops and his whole borough threw a riot while I was at a concert, shut down public transport and I had to walk home forty miles. I never slept better. Love the structure in the beats on nonconformist words. Rock on! Wait a minute who are we fighting again? I got lost.

Carr's Review of Matt's Poems 2/20

Re: “The Anti Utopian Experience” and “Madmans Lullabye”

Matt,

I really like the idea behind the poem “The Anti Utopian Experience”: “We are the anti love/ This is the anti utopian experience.” That’s cool. It’s as if this group of “we” is here to teach the reader something about modern living. I like that. It has a militant, futuristic feel to it. Cool.
So I think that along those lines each stanza preceding the final one needs some development of the images. For example, in the first stanza, “Eyes are the only things evolving” is good. But what happened to the rest of the body? How have those parts stopped? And what do the eyes do that keeps them evolving?
The second stanza I found the most unclear – although I think it’s fine to have a moment of being unsure in your purpose – it’s almost like the “we” are conferring. But the images need more focus, I think. And the third stanza could maybe explain the philosophy behind the movement, maybe.
All right. Keep working on this one, Matt. It’s cool.

OK. So in “Madmans Lullabye” the “insomnia binge” (good line) is evident and a cool angle for the poem. And right now I think the tone really works. There is some anxiety, angst, and anger coming through – perfect for the subject.
So again, work on stronger images. For example, in the first stanza you say your sheep are “caught in the fence.” So what do they look like? That lines begs for some follow up. Similarly, you set us up for big things with the great lines “eyes are like faucets/ Dripping with truth.” But then we are left with the “truth” of “I am weak, not strong.” That seems way too weak for the moment of revelation.

OK. So keep working on it, on these poems, Matt. There is much potential here. Good luck and let me know if you have questions.
CK

Fugate

Perhaps I should not have read these poems just after Brendan’s story, because I kept waiting for raunch. Not to say that these poems needed that; I just thought I would preface with that little side note. Love poems are hard. As writers we are God to the audience—not in an “I own you, do what I say or suffer my lightning bolt” sort of way, but and omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent sort of way. It is the writer who tells, who knows, knows all sides, and is willing to tell. It’s hard to write a love poem because you’re always in it, always there, and it is hard to gain perspective on a moment, on the present. It’s hard because you care. Hindsight is twenty-twenty for a reason. Look back in a few months. If the poem is still great, it’s great. But you might find you want to change some things.

Carr's Review of Sara's poems 2/20

Re: “The Intentions of the Intentional” and “Mankaure and Khamerernebty”

Sara,

There are a number of interesting and vivid images and sounds in “The Intentions of the Intentional”: “Itwastheheat, thehotspot;/ the center of the world, man”; “I was crying last night, baby …mornings’ tears”; “sound of sweetness …one tender palm to the next.” There is a nice rhythm to those lines, and they are both thought and feeling-provoking. I also like the last line, “the careful diagnosis of strangers”, even though I don’t really know what it means. But it definitely sounds good.
Overall, though, the poem doesn’t cohere for me – all these interesting images don’t come together as a whole. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but here are some suggestions for revision. One thing you might try is reorganizing your poem. Try putting stanzas 1,3,5 right together and then following with 2,4,6. I know that breaks up your pattern ,but see how it sounds. It might be cool.
OK. In “Mankaure and Khamerernebty” my favorite section begins with “Time, not …” and ends with “I am no more a woman than a photograph.” That passage is powerful – it speaks volumes on the transitional nature of love, and also of the unreliability of memory. That’s very good.
I also like much of the end of the poem – from the philosophy spouting to the closing line – but I particularly like the question about being a “replica of some broken statue.” Again, I think the searching, the sadness, really came through there.
So there’s rerally just one section that doesn’t work for me – the opening (until “Time”). I’m also confused by “Iamitisoflate” – is that necessary? – and the closing two lines. But overall those are minor details.
All right. I really enjoyed reading these. They were fun and interesting to play with. Cool. Good luck and let me know if you have questions.

CK

Carr's Review of Jessica's Poems 2/20

Re: “Surrender” and “Obscure”

Jessica,

The ways that a lover helps us to be who we really are or want to be is an excellent subject for a poem – of course. These kinds of things are what we read poetry for after all – to learn how to be human.
OK. You’ve got some good lines here: “Around you I am me”; “The looks I get are proof of my effect”; “To let you know/That I see you” are all lines that seem honest and tender. Good.
One question I have concerns the title: “Surrender.” I don’t get a strong feeling of that here, or surrender. Can you give us more of a sense of resistance here – for surrender implies that there was a struggle to get there, a fight against. Or perhaps the title needs changing. Just make sure that you are clear in your intention.
All right. One thing to work on is the details, especially the small ones. Those small details are really the ones that make the work seem real to us. For example, when you say, “Around you I am me,” I want to know what kinds of things you can do∫ around this person that make you feel like you. Don’t be afraid to think small, and to be personal. For it is in the personal, the specific, that we will get a sense of the general.

OK. “Obscure” is another poem with a subject ripe for exploration: the attempt to overanalyze love. That’s good. And I really like the last two lines: “Look into my eyes/ For unsaid truths.” That’s very nice. So try to lead into that nice ending with more real details. One place to go is to describe where this person is looking if not in your eyes. That would give the closing a certain weight that it wants to carry now but isn’t being asked to. See what I mean? Be specific. Be real.

All right. Good luck. Let me know if you have questions.
CK

Carr's Review of Jennifer's poems 2/20

Re: “My Yesterday” and “Eyes Closed”

Jennifer,

You’ve got a great first line in “My Yesterday”: “I’m lost in my yesterday.” That’s very powerful. And then later you say “”I’ll ignore my today.” I think that’s very strong as well. And overall I like the approach to the subject of love lost – the clinging to yesterday when things were good – when he was there. Good material for a blues poem.
So I have some suggestions for achieving more power and pain here: more details – the specifics. For example, what about him do you miss? Think small. Then you can also use descriptive images of what you don’t have to signal what you once did have. See what I mean? And you can do the same thing with “ignore today.” You can show us what you will ignore today, again highlighting the void in your life. So two things: think small, think personal (this type of poem has to be intensely personal for it to work, I think. That’s when the reader will start to relate.

I also like the topic of “Eyes Closed.” Most of us have felt this way or known someone who we suspected felt this way.
But right now the power of the situation – the emotional pull – isn’t coming out. So one thing to try to get there is to use an anecdote – a little story about this man/boy – something that the narrator (you) observed. And again, give us the little details that will make us see this guy and know him. (One place to really strive for this is in the line “life is easier”. See if you can’t show us that instead of telling us – ie take the line out and then show it to us so we still get the same feeling).

All right, Jennifer. There’s much to like here. Keep working on it and let me know if you have questions.

CK

Carr's Review of Brendan's Story 2/20

Re: “I Think the ‘Run Like Hell’ Was Implied”

Brendan,

There are some things that are working well here now. I like the overall tone. This is absurdist fiction, and you’ve got Mike’s voice down for that. He is so detached most of the time that it works (one of my favorite lines is on p. 2, where he spins his chair, “enjoying the slight dizziness it induced.” That’s great). You also doa very nice job of describing Dorlan on p.11. That’s one of your best moments here.
OK. That said, I have a number of questions, and I think having the answers somehow, somewhere in the story will help this piece to work more as story. First, who is Mike? We know he’s sarcastic, wise, and has an attitude, but what flaw of his gets him into this mess?
Second, who is Karl? We don’t know nearly enough about him. Or about the situation here at the carpet business. I think Mike needs to give us a lot more background about their situation. Who is Dorlan? Why does he shoot Mike?
I also have a comment about Mike’s reaction on p.7, where he gets angry. That seems out of character for him. Can you let him be cool, or at least let us know that he is only acting? Mike seems like the kind of guy who wouldn’t be pissed off even if he had been tied up for several days. And speaking of the hostage scene, I found the logistics there unclear. Mike is handcuffed to the bed, yet he can eat, and then unscrew the top? I don’t see it. Just one hand is handcuffed? I don’t know.
All right. There’s one stylistic thing I’ll mention as well. In your writing, Brendan, work on reducing the number of adverbs you use. Instead look for specific verbs to replace those.

OK. This was a fun read. Keep working on it and se me with questions.
CK

Carr's Review of Mike's Story 2/20

Re: “Untitled”

Mike:

You’ve obviously set up a world here that you’ve imagined in detail, with a school, a routine for the young knights, a ritual or two, an elder. That’s good. And I can see that you’ve got a plan for the story. You’ve given your central character, Kibin, a past, and a mysterious one at that (it seems that people think of him as a killer – of his own father!). And here it seems clear Kibin is going to face the demons of his past – and come to grow as a person as a result.
That all sounds like good stuff for a story, Mike. So I suggest that first of all, you finish the story that you’ve got going there in your head. Let it play out on the page before you start tinkering with the individual parts. OK. But as you are going along, try to get closer to Kibin’s perspective. I think we need to be very close to Kibin here – to see what he sees, to feel what he feels. Work on showing more and telling less. You are already working on your descriptive powers and comparisons on the first page (that’s excellent), so bring those powers more to bear in the rest of the story. But again, stay with Kibin. Let us see the world from his perspective.
OK. As you know, Mike, there are some mechanical issues here. And these are important, for people won’t take you seriously as a writer if your mechanics are all over the map. So work on it, Mike. Use the resources around you. Turn your weakness into your strength. And one thing that you’ve got to get straight immediately is how to punctuate dialogue. All right. Your next story I want to see clean as a whistle, Mike. Seriously.

All right. This shows some real promise, Mike. Good luck. Let me know if you have questions, and read more. (That will help you with the mechanics). Read Phillip Pullman and TC Boyle.

CK

Of Running Like Hell

I enjoy violence. Like profanity, it is wonderfully descriptive of degenerative humanity. I favor the action of your story, however, it simply remained story. I couldn’t grasp it. I wanted more—and sometimes less. I was starved with language at times gratuitously full of it at other points. There is no doubt the story was well written, but there were too many peaks and valleys of too much and not enough. There were, at times, so many adjectives/adverbs the story was more painted than living. At other times, I wanted to know more. When you were tussling with Karl, did any spit drool from his mouth into your, were you pressed so hard together you were like lovers, and why don’t you know his last name? How did your eyeball taste, since there was no cheek to shield your mouth? People are violence…Thank you for your story, it was fresh. Only one other thing…and it’s a big one…Aleve is naprosyn, not aspirin.

To Jessica

The 1^st poem reminds me of how I may have felt towards a boyfriend in the beginning of the relationship. I love the line “but where’s the harm in truth,” because I feel honesty is a good thing because they’re more harm in lying to someone. The end of the first poem shows how she is trying to explain her feelings to someone and they probably don’t understand. The 2^nd poem seems to be a continuation of the 1^st poem because the speaker is still trying to get this person to see her and understand things. The 2^nd poem has a good, strong closing line because it ties everything up and closes the poem on a strong note.

To Matt

“Madmans Lullabye” had good metaphors in them, while I’m not sure what the sheep were metaphors for, I think they were metaphors for the human race. The 6^th line of “Madmans Lullabye,” “down here we live for each day,” brought a few questions to mine of where “down here” may possibly be. I imagined it to be a land full of those suffering from insomnia. The 3^rd stanza about Big Brother was one I really liked because I felt I could relate to the feeling of pretending and hiding things from people. “My eyes are like faucets” was a nice way to describe crying, by relating your eyes to a faucet. The closing line to “Madmans Lullabye” was one I liked because it closed the poem well, and wrapped everything up for the reader, telling them that everything they just read is false and not to be believed. “The Anti Utopian Experience” reminds me of something Tyler Durden from Fight Club would have written and when I reread this poem, I imagined Brad Pitt standing in a dungy basement reading the poem to his crew of space monkeys. In this poem, I felt a thread of cynicism and overall negative attitude, which I liked because sometimes, I’m a sort of tired of reading romantic positive poems; I like the darker side of writing, while I more lately have been writing the romantic side of things. The line “purpose ran off with distraction years ago” spoke to me for a reason I am not quite sure of right now. The stanza about Hollywood, the 3^rd stanza, was one I liked because it was strong and forceful. The last stanza was my absolute favorite because it gives an identity to the poem. I am a fan of the closing stanza because it is a nice summary to the poem, but makes me wonder who the “we” is.

To Brendan

This story reminded me of Fight Club, the book, not the movie, because it begins with the narrator describing an event close to the end of the story, and Brendan’s writing style is reminiscent of Chuck Palahniuk’s style. In the beginning I did not understand the marshmallow men reference, but towards the end of the story, I understood it and it made much more sense. The visual in the beginning with Mike flipping the cards is nice because I can see it happening, plus it seems to only make Karl more irritated, and builds tension, while Mike remains calm. Two words on the first page, “mad disarray,” stuck out to me and created a nice visual for the introduction of Karl. The sentence “Sunday went fast because I had a concussion and I don’t remember it.” made me chuckle to myself. The scene where Mike’s face is practically blown off from being shot is a detailed visual of what Mike is experiencing and I can envision the entire scene in my mind. This entire story reads like the screenplay of a movie, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I am curious to see if it continues in the future to see what happens to Mike.

Mike,

I Think the ‘Run Like Hell’ Was Implied

I thought this was really well written, and it kept my attention from start to finish (which isn't an easy task.) The descriptions you use for your characters and for their surroundings are so vivid. I had a clear mental image of what was happening in the story, in my head the whole time. It had so many different levels. It was funny at times, and it was dramatic at times. The time frame that this took place in was made clear. You made the characters seem accessible. I'm not even sure of any suggestion I could give to you. I think you delivered a story that you obviously took time to nurture and craft. My only advice is to keep on writing.

-Matt

Jessica,

Surrender

I think the use of the word 'seduce' in this poem really makes it clear what the poem is about. The whole poem flows and slithers through the words in a very seductive way. I also get a bit of an anxious undertone here. Like you are unsure if your efforts are enough. But at the end you make it clear that you are not overly eager, and that you are 'not trying to compete.' The poem does an overall good job of setting this flirtatious tone that stays with you after reading. The only suggestion would be to be a bit more descriptive with your wording.

Obscure

Again, this poem set a tone very much like the previous one, though with this one I sense a little more mystery. It feels almost as if this could be exact dialogue going on in your mind. your watching, and hoping that this person will notice. Almost as if you wish this person could read your thoughts, so you wont have to go through the anxiety of verbalizing them. I enjoy the structure of your poems, and you're certainly not afraid to let your intentions be known. Only suggestion is to maybe expand on this idea. Make the poem longer and plunge a little deeper into these thoughts.

-Matt

I think the run like hell was implied

To: Brendan Watts
From: Jessica
Re: I think the Run Like Hell was implied

This story was very creative and written with a great deal of detail. It was easy to read and kept me very interested. The story was fast paced and well written and kept me intrigued throughout the story. I would say it was one of the best short stories I have ever read. Though I wonder if Mike will live and continue on his journey of running. This story makes me feel as if I am the title character, full or anger and anxiety. The only suggestions I would have to change would be to slow the story down a bit. Overall great story.

Madman's Lullaby

To: Matt Forster
From: Jessica
Re: Madman's Lullaby

When I read this poem I think of war within this person’s self. It’s as if something is being kept within. The author does a good job of writing this poem. It conveys a sense of disgust and anger. However the ending seems to give off the idea that this may be just an idea or thought not necessarily a struggle within. This poem makes me feel a sense of wonder. It makes you look within yourself to figure out what the author is trying to convey, perhaps just something to think about. As for suggestions I honestly don’t have any.

The Anti Utopian Experience

To: Matt Forster
From: Jessica
Re: The Anti-Utopian Experience

This poem has good structure and may also be considered a song. It seems to be talking about the author’s idea of setting himself apart from mainstream society. This is understood by the line, “back away from Hollywood, it is a deadly weapon”. The idea that it is anti of course also suggests a theme of rebellion. This poem makes me feel curious due to the fact of the title. As for suggestions the only thing that comes to mind is this experience? Perhaps go into a bit more detail about the experience.

I think the "Run Like Hell" was implied

At times funny, at times suspenseful, at times a little gory, this one has it all. I had to read it twice and I have to say it has grown on me a lot. The way that you describe things - like Karl's bangs- "shiny plastic fingers clutching at his eyebrows" and the "king...underneath its queen exterior" - you are very witty. I liked the time sequence - the way that we were able to track the last few days up to Tuesday. The characters were interesting to say the least. Poor Mike, seemed like he was trying to help his buddy, but he ended up knocking out the desk clerk. The boss, who loves three little mice...Karl, not my favorite person and the best part of the story - the way you integrated Millie.Minnie.Whatever - That was priceless!
Great job on the story.

Mike's story

Mike,
I agree that you did a good job in setting up the conflict of the story. Am I correct that this is the beginning of a story and that you are writing more? You did leave me wanting to learn more about Kibin (his adventure in the Kingdom, etc?). You did a GREAT job in setting up details: the sound and imagery of the storm, the details of the dream, Kibin's features and his clothing and the beauty outside of his home. I would be interested in reading another chapter to find out how the conflict is resolved.

You may want to check spelling and grammar in the future. Some of the interpretation was lost to misspelled words and punctuation. Just give your writing a quick read or perhaps have a friend proof it before submitting.

Your writing was great though! Looking forward to reading more!

Mankaure and Khamerernebty

Again, your structure is different and I really like it. Now this poem was bittersweet for me. It tells of lost love and remembrance, brokenness. I enjoyed the sentence "I am no more a woman than a photograph." It tells of a memory. I think that you write beautifully. Other phrases that captured my attention: summer still stale on our lips, a heap of broken shells or pebbles, what we used to be. I really enjoyed reading this.

The Intentions of the Intentional

I really like the way that this poem flows. Your choice of words and the structure was very interesting. The tone was sad, but the poem didn't make me feel sad. I felt cool in the hotspot, and I felt your desperation as you watched time float by. Sound striking, fast and fettered fools, Fat Domi Dot.Dot.Dot were some of my favorite word pairs. Very nice job on this poem.

My Eyes Closed Yesterday

From Sara Nell

The themes behind these poems are very concrete. As far as My Yesterday is concerned, a longing for what we once lived is something we all experience. The picture painted, however, is that of a perfect past juxtaposed to a melancholy present. What of the future? I wanted more out of both of these poems. What was your yesterday? I know it had a warm smile, but could it sing, tightrope walk, speak Hebrew? I really dig personification. My taste for it was tantalized, but not quenched. I had no connection to the character of Eyes Closed, for I had no basis in which to plug in. Was he get knocked-out cold on the sidewalk, bleeding from his right eyes, counting each swallow of blood as he recounted the last ten minutes of Fight Club? Or was he sad? Or was he swallowed up by that kind of starving sorrow that completely consumes the body so that his mattress swallows him at night as Bukowski’s did? Or is he so alone that he, himself, has forgotten his name? Is he a junkie on the streets Marrakech? Or more so a reflection of everything?

Story

From Sara Nell

The thing with poetry is that there are not that many words, so each word must be concentrated. As a piece of fiction is considerably longer, most water their words down in favor of length. It is my personal belief that this is unnecessary. There is no need to sacrifice strength for length—need we forget Ulysses or the Brothers K.? The ideas are all there. They always are. It is obvious there is a story played out, in refined detail in the writer’s head; however, it does not translate into my head. Perhaps it is personal taste. I will always prefer the detail of Steinbeck and the flowery language of Hardy to the simplicity of Vonnegut or the stream of thought best defined to Kerouac. I would recommend Burroughs—especially Queer or Naked Lunch. Even though his story/characters did not transition from dream to reality, but from drugged-out-coma to inevitable decay; Burroughs draws the reader seamlessly from plausible, to ludicrous, to gut-punchingly-honest.

To: Mike
From: Matt

To Protect: I thought the whole concept of the story was great. I enjoyed the switch between dream and reality. It was an effective way to help give background into the story. You gave some good descriptions that helped me visualize the characters surroundings, such as describing the summer breeze, and the grassy fields, and the stary skies. you also did a good job of introducing conflict into the storty early on. From the beggining i could tell the character was in distress over something, and this made me want to keep reading, and find out what... The only problem is i didn't feel like i ever did find out what the deal was with the whole dream sequence. It left me feeling like there should be more. Maybe there are other parts to the story? Also, i would go back through and read the story for yourself, and do some editing. Some of the word usages were off, and at times it confused me. Overall, i think the direction you're going in works, it just needs to be tweaked to give the reader more information into what's going on.

To: Sarah
From: Matt

The Intentions of the Intentional: I really enjoyed this poem. The descriptions are vivid and it makes me feel like i could be sitting in a smokey coffee shop somewhere listening to this poem being read. And eventhough it seems some people were confused by the structure, that's one thing in particular that i really liked. It was unique to you. It made me remember the poem. I especially love the ending. When i first started reading, the poem seemed light and fun. The last few lines fliped it around for me, and it left me feeling kind of sad. Overall, i would say it was quite effective.


Mankaure and Khamerernebty: This poem felt very criptic to me. Like there were these deep hidden messages i had to seek out. I liked the fact that i had to read through it 3 or 4 times to get a good understanding of it. Again, you use some great description. I especially like the lines: "Time not time for minutes' sake, but the insecurities of our most false memories." As if you were observing the fact that we can all, at times, take memories and rework them in our minds to better suit us. Remembering things not quite how they actually were... The only thing i think that could possibly better the poem is to give a little more background into what you're talking about. help the reader get a sense of the message early on, so they don't find themselves confused throughout.

To: Jen
From: Matt

My Yesterday: I like the fact that you are using the passing of time to help describe your feelings. Longing for the past, and certain past events is something i think we can all relate to. You do a good job of convincing me that you're feeling despair over losing someone; however, i would like to know more about who this person is, and why they are no longer around. So i really like the direction of the poem, and i think you do a great job of expressing yourself, i just think you could add more description to help the reader get an even better picture of the situation.

Eyes Closed: This was actually my favorite of the two poems. Where as i think the other one needed to be longer, i think this one is short, yet sweet and to the point. This poem paints a clear mental image for me, and you make it clear to the reader that the poem is from the perspective of another person. I think the last line in particular "Life is easier with your eyes closed" really pulls the reader in. Its a great way to end. I didnt feel like i needed more. I felt like that line alone really held the poem together.

To Mike

From:Jen
I’ve never been a huge fan of science fiction, but I did actually enjoy this story. I liked how in beginning how you thought a father was really killing his son but it turns out he was dreaming. That really got me hooked on the story. As I kept reading the story, it kept me wanting to read and not put it down which is always a good thing. I thought the story was pretty original and I am interested to see what happens to Kibin in the future, if it continues. On a personal note, the physical description of Kibin reminds me of a really good friend of mine who is really into science fiction. And he also got blamed for something which made a lot of people turn on him so I liked that it reminded me of him. I also really liked the storm description in the beginning because I really love thunderstorms and lighting. I found that your story was very enjoyable.

To: Mike

From: Heather

I really liked how the beginning started out really intense and then it was all a dream. It reads like the beginning of a movie and the visuals were good; I could imagine the scenery in my mind and saw the characters acting out the story. I liked the ending because it left in an important part of the story and I am curious to see what becomes of this half-man, half-wolf creature in the kingdom. I’m excited to read the continuation of this short story, if there is one. Well done Mike. I commend you because my ability to write serious fiction or even to have the attention span to write fiction of any type is serious lacking. I really love the line “the sky was filled with stars with a warm summer breeze blowing” because it reminds me of summer time at my house when I lay outside on my front lawn staring at the sky for what seems like days, but is actually only a few hours.

Recommendations: I think Mike needs to pay a tad bit more attention to punctuation and capitalization. Some sentences could be combined to make longer, more detailed sentences. “The boy was about eighteen years old he had short black hair and brown eyes, He was slim and muscular. He looked like any eighteen year old except for one major deferent’s he had a tail like a wolfs.” (could be combined to 1 or 2 good sentences, instead of 4 sentences.)