Carr's Review of Jennifer's poems 2/20

Re: “My Yesterday” and “Eyes Closed”

Jennifer,

You’ve got a great first line in “My Yesterday”: “I’m lost in my yesterday.” That’s very powerful. And then later you say “”I’ll ignore my today.” I think that’s very strong as well. And overall I like the approach to the subject of love lost – the clinging to yesterday when things were good – when he was there. Good material for a blues poem.
So I have some suggestions for achieving more power and pain here: more details – the specifics. For example, what about him do you miss? Think small. Then you can also use descriptive images of what you don’t have to signal what you once did have. See what I mean? And you can do the same thing with “ignore today.” You can show us what you will ignore today, again highlighting the void in your life. So two things: think small, think personal (this type of poem has to be intensely personal for it to work, I think. That’s when the reader will start to relate.

I also like the topic of “Eyes Closed.” Most of us have felt this way or known someone who we suspected felt this way.
But right now the power of the situation – the emotional pull – isn’t coming out. So one thing to try to get there is to use an anecdote – a little story about this man/boy – something that the narrator (you) observed. And again, give us the little details that will make us see this guy and know him. (One place to really strive for this is in the line “life is easier”. See if you can’t show us that instead of telling us – ie take the line out and then show it to us so we still get the same feeling).

All right, Jennifer. There’s much to like here. Keep working on it and let me know if you have questions.

CK