Carr's Review of Brendan's Story 2/20

Re: “I Think the ‘Run Like Hell’ Was Implied”

Brendan,

There are some things that are working well here now. I like the overall tone. This is absurdist fiction, and you’ve got Mike’s voice down for that. He is so detached most of the time that it works (one of my favorite lines is on p. 2, where he spins his chair, “enjoying the slight dizziness it induced.” That’s great). You also doa very nice job of describing Dorlan on p.11. That’s one of your best moments here.
OK. That said, I have a number of questions, and I think having the answers somehow, somewhere in the story will help this piece to work more as story. First, who is Mike? We know he’s sarcastic, wise, and has an attitude, but what flaw of his gets him into this mess?
Second, who is Karl? We don’t know nearly enough about him. Or about the situation here at the carpet business. I think Mike needs to give us a lot more background about their situation. Who is Dorlan? Why does he shoot Mike?
I also have a comment about Mike’s reaction on p.7, where he gets angry. That seems out of character for him. Can you let him be cool, or at least let us know that he is only acting? Mike seems like the kind of guy who wouldn’t be pissed off even if he had been tied up for several days. And speaking of the hostage scene, I found the logistics there unclear. Mike is handcuffed to the bed, yet he can eat, and then unscrew the top? I don’t see it. Just one hand is handcuffed? I don’t know.
All right. There’s one stylistic thing I’ll mention as well. In your writing, Brendan, work on reducing the number of adverbs you use. Instead look for specific verbs to replace those.

OK. This was a fun read. Keep working on it and se me with questions.
CK