Carr's Review of Mike's Story 2/20

Re: “Untitled”

Mike:

You’ve obviously set up a world here that you’ve imagined in detail, with a school, a routine for the young knights, a ritual or two, an elder. That’s good. And I can see that you’ve got a plan for the story. You’ve given your central character, Kibin, a past, and a mysterious one at that (it seems that people think of him as a killer – of his own father!). And here it seems clear Kibin is going to face the demons of his past – and come to grow as a person as a result.
That all sounds like good stuff for a story, Mike. So I suggest that first of all, you finish the story that you’ve got going there in your head. Let it play out on the page before you start tinkering with the individual parts. OK. But as you are going along, try to get closer to Kibin’s perspective. I think we need to be very close to Kibin here – to see what he sees, to feel what he feels. Work on showing more and telling less. You are already working on your descriptive powers and comparisons on the first page (that’s excellent), so bring those powers more to bear in the rest of the story. But again, stay with Kibin. Let us see the world from his perspective.
OK. As you know, Mike, there are some mechanical issues here. And these are important, for people won’t take you seriously as a writer if your mechanics are all over the map. So work on it, Mike. Use the resources around you. Turn your weakness into your strength. And one thing that you’ve got to get straight immediately is how to punctuate dialogue. All right. Your next story I want to see clean as a whistle, Mike. Seriously.

All right. This shows some real promise, Mike. Good luck. Let me know if you have questions, and read more. (That will help you with the mechanics). Read Phillip Pullman and TC Boyle.

CK