Penny & Antonia

To: Jane
From: Jessica
Re: Penny & Antonia

Brief Description:

This is a story about 2 bullfrogs, a mother and daughter with names listed as the title. The main character Penny talks throughout the story about how shes always lived at the same pond (and describes it). She goes over their daily routine of their visitor Jerome. She fondly recalls the time when she met her husband Stanley and how it was love at first sight. She also thought back to the ice skaters. To pass the time Penny would teach Antonia of certain ideals and they both expressed their wishes of companionship. At the end the encounter a frog who used to live in the same pond a few years back who was visiting for the day. Penny decided to savour that moment since it could have been a relative.

Comments/Suggestions:

I thought this was very sweet little tale. I enjoyed the descriptions of Penny's surrounding home and desires. I feel this story was primarily about Penny. At the same time her daughter only has a brief part. Perhaps try to elaborate more on Antonia's part.

Monster

To: Wynter
From: Jessica
Re: Monster

Brief Description:

This story begins with a little girl names Jamie who is in the same room with her mother and step-father arguing. She is trying to get her mom's attention by stating there is a monster in her room. Eventually her mom (Mya) takes Jamie upstairs and states that she is too old to be thinking of monsters in her room. Her mother is then directed to go back downstairs via Ricky's yelling request. When she is gone and monster appears behind Boss the cat and asks Jamie if she would like to rid of the issue at end (Ricky). At first she protests but upon coming back from tucking in her little brother she agrees and states to complete the job overnight. The monster responds by stating it would be his pleasure. Jamie awakens to hear her mothers screams. The trail of blood leads to Jamie bedroom and she is covered in blood as well. Jamie reminder her mother that it was the monster that did it.

Comments/Suggestions:

I really liked this story. This story can be read by people of adults and young teenagers alike. I liked how the story flowed and the young girls personality. I also liked the premise of her being tempted by a monster. Jamie's voice is good throughout. I would maybe try to go into a bit more detail about why the relationship between her mother and Ricky is not that great. Also the whole teeth thing. How do you see the monster's teeth with its mouth closed?

"Schizophrenia" by Charlie

This piece of fiction is about someone having schizophrenia (Dan) and living day to day
in a complex world. He must take his medicine every day just to be able to cope with
living in general. In the first part of the story, the setting takes place in a gym.
The story is written in the first person, which is good for this story, because I
believe we get to know all the facts and little bits of information more.

You presented a very good dialogue between two people - Dan and the speaker.
Your story read well and I do believe this is the way these two people would
behave. You made your story interesting - and you kept up the interest by
adding such lines as: Leroy, Dan's brother, the Christmas party, monster movies,
and Otis Redding music. What appealed to me the most; however, was the fact
that the speaker presented himself as a compassionate, and caring person to
someone who had a very bad mental disorder.
Charlie, I enjoyed having you in class. Keep up your excellent sense of humor.
It will age you well!

Wynter Hall Comments

“Monster” Response:

Wynter, out of all the short stories I’ve read this semester, this one is my favorite. Let me start by saying your portrayal of the little girl was immaculate. I could picture the personality of this girl to a T. You captured her essence, not only in the dialogue, but in every action that she did. A line I think best shows her personality is when she says to her mom, “Nope. Wasn’t that stupid ol’ cat. It was a monster, I’m telling you.” Even a simple phrase like that helps to paint the perfect image of an 11 year old girl. I also love the part when she hisses back at the cat. In a way that was very cute. Your description of the monster was amazing. The way you described the shadows shifting and the light that wouldn’t dare touch it, the teeth that showed through the closed mouth – perfect! I was thrilled when I found out the monster was the girl’s friend. I felt sorry for her in the beginning, so having the monster on her side gives the reader exactly what they want. The ending was wonderful – did the monster kill her stepfather, or did she? I love that mysterious feeling it leaves you with and as I read the ending I got chills down my spine. Because of your detailed descriptions and intriguing plot the entire story played out in my head like a movie. There are one or two minor grammatical errors I circled in the story, but they shouldn’t be hard to fix. Wonderful Wynter!

Jane Aughenbaugh Comments

“Penny and Antonia” Response:

Nice story Jane, it had kind of a hallmark feel to it. Lines like “actually, just a howdy-do or some small chit-chat would have sufficed,” give it its sweet tone. You have a very distinct way of narrating; I can picture you reading the story aloud. I like how you don’t come right out and say their frogs, the way you introduce their physical feature is the third paragraph does that job well. I didn’t realize frogs hibernated. I did some research and found the same page you must have went to. It turns out they actually do say, “jug-a-rum.” It might read better if you introduce Penny and Antonia as mother and daughter in the first paragraph instead of in the middle of the story. I also found myself wondering what happened to Stanley, you only mention him once. Be careful when it comes to sentence structure, some of the sentences read a little choppy. Overall, great story Jane; it was a pleasure to have you in class.

Carr's Review of Dan's Story 4/24

To: Dan Baldwin
From: Carr Kizzier

Re: “Utopia”

Dan,

Reading this story kind of reminds me of reading a Kurt Vonnegut piece. If you haven’t read much or any of his work, I highly recommend it. And I think that you’ve got something to work with here. The story of a man that has started some sort of cult/rebellion, told from a humorous perspective, sounds like a good one. I encourage you to continue along this path.
At the same time, the story itself doesn’t seem anywhere near complete. We know only the bar rudiments of what has happened – that is a fault in a story where so much depends on us being able to immerse ourselves in this world. You don’t have to do it right away, but eventually. For a good example of how this is done over time, read The Handmaid’s Tale. If you want to see how it is done in a straightforward manner, read Kurt Vonnegut.
OK. There are also some technical isues here. Like your first piece, this one has problems with verb tense. You really need to choose one tense and stick with it. There is also the problem of POV here, too. For some reason you switch to third person as Mr. Jenkins is strangling the doctor. Fix that. Overall, though, I would recommend that you change POV here altogether. I think this story would be interesting as a third person narrative, perhaps written from a character other than the doctor. That way you don’t have to probe his psyche. He can be an enigma, slowly revealed through actions and dialogue.
All right. Good luck with this one.
CK

Carr's Review of Jennifer's poems 4/24

Re: “Heartbreaker” and “Loki”

Jen,

I like the subjects you tackle here in your poems “Heartbreaker” and “Loki.” They both have to do with our youth and education, with our growing up in a certain sense. Good.
“Heartbreaker”, of course, is a lust poem – great – and your best line here is “He’s taught me many things/ of lust and heartbreak.” That seems very true, for these kinds of relationships – the ones that burn so hot they melt your skin – these are the kinds that also tend to lead to the most heartbreak. They burn so hot that they tend to have short lives. But the pain is so sweet!
OK. These are also difficult poems to wrote, these lust poems. For they require that the poet relate in some way the specifics of the cause of that lust. It’s nearly impossible to do in terms of physical description, for the whole nature of the attraction is chemical. So, what I suggest that you focus on in revision is trying to show us what this heartbreaker does, what his hair does. It’s there that you’ll be able to capture some of that feeling, by showing us how he (and his body) acts. We’ll also need plenty of comparisons, and this is where you can use your examples of writing about things you’ve read, about characters you’ve read about. Let them help you to approach this subject.
My favorite part of “Loki” comes at the end. The idea of your only worry being “If,/ I was gonna get carded when I bought my next pack of cigarettes” is so true, and such a nice way to end a poem. That’s very good. And you’ve got some good details, like the “cherry slurpee.” So I think the thing to work on here is showing more, Jen. You start with the details, but then about half-way through you slip into the vague: “Life was light/ Life was fun.” Those are so unspecific that they don’t resonate with the reader. So stick with the real. I think that will also help you to find exactly what it is you want to say about Loki. I’m not sure that’s clear at the moment.
All right. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
CK

Carr's Review of Anna's Poems 4/24

Re: “My Giant” and “Songs from the South”

Anna,

One thing I like about both of these poems is that you use everyday experiences to serve as the frame for your poetry. In “My Giant” you take on a difficult subject: the death of a beloved pet. This is a hard subject to write about – one because it’s sentimental, but maybe moreso because it’s hard to write about a sentimental subject with slipping into something sugary sweet (like your honeysuckle). So I think you’ve made the correct choice to focus instead on your father – and the even draw some parallels between him and the dog. That’s good, and it leads to my favorite line of the poem, “First supportive, then a traitor to love.” I actually think “Traitor to Love” would be a better title here.
Anyhow, one thing I think would improve this poem is a re-thinking of the structure. Right now your narrative frame is uneven – you start with the dog, then move to you dad, then finally get to the story at the restaurant. I suggest that you begin at the restaurant and let the details unfold from there. Don’t get us twisted before we begin if you know what I mean.
All right. “Songs from the South” takes a different perspective. There is no grand subject here. This is a poem about one of those finer, simpler experiences – hanging out as a child, drinking tea. I really like that quality here. It works well. And here I like the way you use the “story” as it were to lead us to a change – the roles of friend and “interloper” have changed by the end of the poem. That works well.
So there are two things I suggest for this one: first, I think you would do well to start the poem with the image of child as interloper. The first four lines seem unnecessary to me. Start with “I am ten.” That has some power and will draw us in.
The second thing I suggest is to really ramp up the imagery here. And the way I suggest you do that is to try and write this poem without adjectives and adverbs. This poem I think would improve with more showing and more vivid detail. Avoid the repetition of the word summer as well – we get it. We’re there with you. Draw us in with the details.
OK, Anna. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
CK

Carr's Review of Israel's Poems 4/24

Israel,

In both of these poems you are attempting to tackle large, seemingly important issues. In “The World,” you are trying to weave an image of our world—disjointed, ugly, noisy, wretched. But what I like is that you also offer up a solution, a way out. You get “A glimpse of the Garden of Eden,” an image that I like very much and that I think you could exploit even more here – way more. And then the poem turns – to love as the answer. I like that, Israel. I think that has a bunch of possibility.
OK. Where I think the poem isn’t working right now is in the imagery. I can see your poetic plans here, and I think they are worthy – but the execution isn’t quite on the mark. For example, you say “These are all the colors/ That are the tapestries of our reality.” The “these” refers to the nouns in your first stanza: “Heaven and hell/ Virtue and sin/ Light and dark.” That’s almost good. But how are those things colors? And how are the colors then tapestries? Tapestries are made of cloth. I don’t see it – because the language isn’t precise enough right now, Israel. So my biggest suggestion right now, Israel, is to remove all indefinite pronouns like these and this from your poem. Don’t let yourself fall back on them. It will help you to be specific. We need to know what exactly all these ‘theses’ refer to. It will help you hone your language skills.
OK. When I read “My Sons, My Daughters” I started thinking of the poems of Rumi, so if you haven’t read any of his work, check it out. By the end, though, I think I realized what you’re driving at here. This seems to me to be a poem about impotence – the inability of one person to save another, the inability of one person to infuse another with spirit, with g-d. That’s a good subject. But I think you’re too vague here, Israel. I don’t think readers will connect because you aren’t talking about real people and real actions. Try to write this same poem about a real person – someone that you see who doesn’t recognize his or her own beauty, someone that you see shining with g-d’s love. But give us the real details. I think that poem could really come to life.
OK. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
CK

Review for Jen:

Heartbreaker

I like the images in this poem. "Pulls in the smoke and lets it out" "long dark curly hair" "long embracing kiss" These are good. You speak of this person as if they have broken many hearts before, and i was wondering while reading how you knew this. Perhaps delve a bit deeper into this relationship. The images are strong, and give structure to what can be an intriguing story. Who is this guy with the Marlboro reds and long curly hair?

Loki

The first thing to really jump out at me was the line "our boots smashing the blades of grass" I really like this image, and am jealous i didn't think of it first... I definitely think this is the stronger of the two poems. Again, some strong imagery, and i could relate to the feeling of being young and having such unimportant concerns such as "if i was gonna get carded when i bought my next pack of cigarettes." It brought back memories of my own past.

Review for Anna:

My Giant

This poem made me sad, but in a positive way. The process of aging is a good subject i think, because it is something everyone will experience, no matter how hard people try to avoid it in this day and age. You describe the father of your past and the father of your present very well. "My dad, once young, strong, intimidating." and "body weighted with age and disease" these are both strong images. I like that you used Pandy, the dog, to sort of symbolize a strength that will never age. Never die.

Songs from the South

With this poem i can close my eyes and picture this perfectly. "The smell on summer breezes" "Yellow and black bees and butterflies" "billowy white clouds..." These are all images that evoke the south in ones mind. It makes you almost forgot you are grown up, and i find myself reverting back to my childhood. My mother is from North Carolina, and i would spend summers there so perhaps this poem speaks to me from experience. I really enjoyed this one.

Jen comments

Heart breaker: short, sweet and to the point.
Loki: i like how it started off like a war story
"I remember walking across
the field with you
Our boots smashing the blades
of grass
We were armed with Marlboro's
" then goes about lost love i really like this one.

Israel comments

The World: this one made me thing of ying and yang (think i spelled that right) the duallaty of man good and evil all that jazz but it made me think i like how he compared emotions with seasons.

My Sons, My Daughters: um i like its deep just like all of Israels piece makes you think. i like it

Jen Burghardt Comments

“Heartbreaker” Response:

Nice poem, I really like the title. The first several lines are full of good imagery. The line, “He lights his Marlboro Red…pulls in the smoke and lets it out,” gives me a good visualization of this person. When I read those lines I started to picture James Dean, which in a way gave the poem an initial sense of coolness and poise. I also like that you included the brand of cigarettes he’s smoking, being specific never hurts. You come out and tell us the mood in line three when you write, “He sits there with that cool look about him…” That line works, but I would consider showing us instead of telling us like the way you did in the first two lines. I also found myself wanting to know more about the setting. For example, maybe the character could be sitting on the roof of a car or maybe on a park bench. The best line of the poem is obviously, “I’ll be his next broken heart.” It’s a great line to end with. Despite the lingering feeling of sadness it gives the reader, the last line inexplicably maintains that feeling of coolness.

“Loki” Response:

I enjoyed this poem and in a way it was written very eloquently. I love the imagery of the boots smashing the blades of grass as you walk across the field. Like your first poem, you mention Marlboros and I’m beginning to think you fancy them. My favorite line is when you write, “And I could still believe then it would be like this forever…” It’s a very deep line and like most people who read this poem, I found a way to relate to it. The thought of looking back on life and thinking of memories that are far gone send chills down your spine. It wasn’t clear to me whether you’re main focus was on a past relationship or just the past in general. The first half of the poem puts an emphasis on this relationship, but the last half seems to look at other aspects of the past, especially the last line. In retrospect it may not even matter. If I were you I’d listen to the last two minutes of Meat Loaf’s “Objects In The Rear View Mirror.” It’s very similar to your poem and would be a good source of inspiration if you decide to change anything.

Dan Baldwin Comments

“Utopia” Response:

This story was a fun read; I couldn’t wait to get to the end to find out what crimes the doctor had committed. The first paragraph does a good job of introducing the doctor and helps the reader get an understanding of how his mind works. It’s written in a tone that suggests maybe he’s crazy or at the very least a megalomaniac. I thought the dialogue was well versed, especially in the scene when the doctor realizes who his cell mate is. One of the most important lines of the story is when the guard says, “Tax payers want to watch him die…” In real life under these circumstances, a man wouldn’t be sentenced to death; he would be put into a mental health facility. In the story however, the doctor’s fate creates the image of a martyrdom which in turn transcends his physical death into the death of ideals. I could be overanalyzing it, but I got the impression you’re story was intended to have a greater meaning.

Anna Ransom Comments

“My Giant” Response:

I was extremely impressed with the emotion you were able to convey in the reader. A clear example of this can be found in the line “Dad is alone now, divorced and resigned to daily calls from children who have children of their own…” Another line that stood out for me was “My giant of a man – my dad. Longing for one more day with an aged, arthritic dog…” Those lines and several others throughout the poem left me with a deep feeling of sorrow, which from a literary standpoint is probably a good thing. Your descriptions were also amazing. I love how you compare the noise you hear in the restaurant to a symphony and how the words lingered in the room after your dad had spoken. You also did great in describing you’re father’s love for the dog. This was a very well written poem and I don’t think I would change a thing.

“Songs from the South” Response:

This poem has many of the same descriptive qualities as your first one. It makes me think of my own childhood when I used to play in the field behind my house. I can picture everything so clearly, the smell of the honeysuckles, the noise of the ice cubes as they clang inside the cup. My favorite part of the poem is when you describe the butterflies and the bees and how they’re drawn to the nectar on your fingers. I thought it was funny when you referred to them as interlopers, especially after I read the definition: One that interferes with the affairs of others, often for selfish reasons. For some reason the thought of bees and butterflies being described in such human terms comes across as funny. I also noticed the repetition of the word summer which was used in front of several things, “summer bronzed fingers,” “summer tea.” That works well because it lets the readers know you associate those things with summer. Great poem, I wouldn’t change a think in this one either.

Israel Comments

“The World” Response:

Israel, you’re poem is very deep. I like how you compared good and evil to colors on a tapestry and the four seasons to different emotions. Your short stanzas and word choice help to create a nice rhythmical flow. Furthermore, I think the philosophical and moral views you were trying to convey are admirable. The importance of love is certainly not understated and you do a good job of giving examples. There are however major things I would consider revising. Though I agree with your assertions on the human condition, others may not, mainly because they’re too direct and leave little room for disagreement. It’s been my experience that when you tell someone 2 + 2 = 4, their first reaction will be to disagree with you. I suggest that instead of telling you’re readers what to think, show them. Take a more descriptive approach and drawl the reader in by allowing them to visualize virtue, sin, tenderness, passion…

My Sons, My Daughters:

This poem is very strong and like the first one it flows very well. I had trouble determining who it was addressed to, God, a child, or maybe just all people in general, but how much you care about your subject is certainly evident. This is clear when you write lines like “Do you realize that the only reason why I’m here is for my eyes to gaze upon you,” and “When you smile angels are born…” Strong lines like those tell the reader how passionate you are toward who you’re writing about. My favorite line is “Why the shame that haunts your eyes, why the mocking laughter that taunts your waking hours?” The words flow so well together and the reader gets a strong sense of urgency and depth when you talk about the mocking laughter and how it taunts your every hour. Overall, I thought this poem was very well written and enjoyable to read.

Felicia Plato Comments

“The Anti-Valentines Day Story” Response:

I enjoyed this story. I got real excited in the first paragraph when I read, “…this time Melisa and Sarah would be doing something different.” I guess I thought the story was going in another direction. I like the way you step back and explain certain things. For example, how Melisa and Sarah compliment each other and how the Hand-Me-Down house got its name. I like that after the Vodka is poured into the water bottles you write, “…and Melisa drank them like they were water.” Lines like that give the story a humorous, yet realistic feel. It had a few spelling mistakes that I noticed: “done,” in paragraph twelve should be down, and “he,” in paragraph thirty should be her. I thought the ending was good, but I think you should include what Sarah said in the message to Kevin.

Marybeth Comments

“Hey, It Happens” Response:

Wow, this is a great story! First of all, I love the point of view you decided to write in. Putting the reader in the main characters shoes is very unique and it worked extremely well in this story. Secondly, I was very impressed with your humor. One of my favorite lines was, “Before you go inside, he has to get on his tip-toes to peer through the high window in the front door to make sure that his obese mother isn’t walking around naked…” I don’t know how you think of these things, but lines like that really make the story what it is. I also love the fact that you gave this story a moral. In the last sentence you write, “You’ve learned a valuable lesson about judging someone by his taste in music.” This line is my favorite because it gives the story a meaning, yet at the same time it enforces the theme of humor. Great story! I would not change a thing!

Matt Comments

“Slip Away” Response:

Your poem is very deep. I love the descriptive words you’ve used in many of your lines. For example, “shades of darkened grays,” “wine tinted smile” and “churning in the bitter dark.” Lines like that not only give description, but they create the mood of the poem. The mood, to me, was sad and almost hopeless. Another line I really loved was, “silence was the answer to questions we sustained.” I could be wrong, but that line gave me the impression of two people questioning their relationship who were to afraid to say anything. I was a little puzzled with the line, “traction in the city drew me towards this fate.” It would be nice if you added a few lines telling us what role the city had in creating your fate. Overall, it’s a great poem.

“Untitled” Response:

The first several lines of this poem had the same feel as “Slip Away.” I love the lines, “Glass stained of longing. Nestled in an ivory cage.” Glass is a good metaphor for a shattered heart, but what does the ivory cage represent? Is it a metaphor for the body? My favorite line from this poem is the last line, “I am main lining on dreams.” I don’t even know what main lining means, but the words sound really good together. There’s a point in the poem about halfway through where you seem to go in another direction. The first six lines describe the shattered heart, but the last nine lines talk about how it’s affecting you, how it changes you’ve view of the world. I love this poem; it’s one of my favorites. It’s probably a good idea, however, to think of a title for it.

Jessica Fugate Comments

“Facade” Response:

I like this poem. You do an excellent job of conveying your emotion to the reader. I think my favorite line is, “Allow me to be the person I am afraid of.” That’s a great way to put it because a lot of people are afraid of just being themselves. Another line I liked was “I want to be freed,” that line really sums up the whole poem. It’s as if you’re trapped and you have to be freed before you can truly be yourself. You gave some good examples of what you would be like without your façade; throwing your shoes in a pile of clothes on the floor, wiping off all your makeup. The examples you gave were both physical actions, I would love it if you went into detail about how your personality changes, what kind of things you may think or say differently. There isn’t much I would change, nice work.

“Entangled” Response:

I enjoyed this poem as well. The first line, “Slowly watch it drop, from the ceiling,” gets the readers attention. It made me curious as to what you were describing and what was dropping from the ceiling. Though you never come out and say it, I assumed the poem is about a relationship. On the other hand, it could easily be about a friend or a family member. When I read the line, “Now trapped, in a web you have created,” I would have liked more detail. Maybe talk in less metaphoric terms and describe the events creating this web. I love the ending, how the other person gets caught up in his own web and is forced to cut you both loose. It’s a very creative ending and helps to unify the poem.

Heather Wiegand Comments

“The Only Way I Can Say This To You” Response:

I enjoyed reading this poem; you can tell it’s from the heart. I like the first line of the poem that asks the question, “Why do we keep running back to each other?” The lines that follow do a pretty good job of answering that question. A line I was very curious about was, “when love runs out romance ends.” When I first read that line I assumed that your love ran out, but as I continued reading it became clear that you didn’t want the romance to end. It makes me wonder whether or not your love actually ran out. One of my favorite lines is, “worth tears shed and miles driven.” I can kind of relate to this because when I’m going through a rough time, the only thing that clears my head is getting in my car and just driving. This is a great poem and there isn’t much I would change.

“I Won’t Crash…Not This Time” Response:

First of all, I love the title “I Won’t Crash…Not This Time”, it’s very funny. The first line is a great start to this poem, “loud exhaust, not so loud boy.” The first line gives the poem a sort of laid back and cool feel. I love when you use the one word lines, “one, two, me, and you…” Because of the fast pace it’s kind of like your writing a stream of consciousness which works great in this poem. When I read the line, “the words come easy, stories make us laugh,” I thought you could have been more descriptive. It might be a good idea to include a story or two that made you laugh. Another line I was curious about was, “I feel jaded.” What exactly do you mean by this line, what kind of life experiences cause you to feel jaded? Overall, it’s a very good poem.

Heart Breaker

To: Jen Burghart
From: Jessica
Re: Heart breaker

I really liked the rhyme scheme in this poem. But I would try to go into more detail about this so called heart breaker. You describe him as cool and irresistible. What makes him those things? Show us what you think is cool and irresistible.

Loki

To: Jen Burghart
From: Jessica
Re: Loki

This poem is a definite improvement from your previous work. This poem provides us more of an insight into you as a person and writer. The suggestions I would have is the line, "it would be like this forever". What would be like this forever? Go into more detail with this point you are trying to make. Also the title. Not sure if it means low key or something else.

My Sons, My Daughters

To: Israel Loeb
From: Jessica
Re: My Sons, My Daughters

I really enjoyed this poem and thought it expressed a different side of you. This poem exudes a great deal of heartache and yearning. I really liked the second stanza, "Do you know that the earth walks with you, the sun shines for you...". Also liked" I wonder, do you truly believe, do you understand, hearts melt at the sight of you, the world turns in different directions, because of you". Very well written and my favorite thus far.

The World

To: Israel Loeb
From: Jessica
Re: The World

This poems was a personal look into the lightness and darkness of today's society. The cure/hope for change in this poem is love. I liked the ending in this poem, thought it summed it up nicely. "Emotion, that no longer make g-ds notes sing the blues, and perhaps, at last will turn, hell into heaven, sin into virtue, and dark into light". The only suggestions I would have is to describe the colors in the opening line. What colors come to mind that represent darkness? Also describe the woman's eyes. What do they look like turned dead?

"Songs from the South" - By Anna

This ten year old is enjoying daydreaming in the grass because there is no
school on this summer's day. The poem reminds me what I did when I
was ten years old. Instead of picking honeysuckle, I remember looking for
three-leaf clover. Anyway, the poem was enjoyable to read and I liked
the descriptions that were used by the poet; such as, "mint and honeysuckle",
"soft green grass","brewed summer tea" and "sugary sweet nectar".

Utopia

To: Dan Baldwin
From: Jessica
Re: Utopia

Brief Description:
This is a story about a man named Dr. Campbell who is put into jail for what he terms as "experiments" on his patients. Some die or as the doctor refers to are "causalities of war". He claims to have done something for the good of the greater majority and the he never received a thank you or a smile. The only thanks Dr. Campbell received, if you want to call it a thank you, was lawsuit after lawsuit. Only to eventually end up in the same jail cell as a previous patient by the name of Mr. Jenkins. Upon his removal from the cell into one of his own, Dr. Campbell discusses his lack of remorse for him and states that he realizes he lied to hundreds of people. But he also states that politicians lie to hundreds upon thousands of people and they get away with it.

Comments/Suggsestions
I like the idea/premise of this story. I am curious to find out what these so called experiments where, and how they supposedly help (will help) people. I am also curious to know more about the title character Dr. Campbell. What does he look like? Where did he practice? Who is this man? Describe the character's personality a bit more.

Songs from the South

To: Anna Ransom
From: Jessica
Re: Songs from the South

Nice imagery throughout with the theme of nature. Reminds me of how we appreciate things more at a younger age. No worries and just plain carefree. The place described within the poem definitely seems like a place for a poet to write. Relaxation and ideas abound.

My Giant

To: Anna Ransom
From: Jessica
Re: My Giant

I liked the imagery this poem displays. It's as if I could see myself there. This poem exudes a sense of admiration and sadness. I liked your choice of wording throughout with lines like: Clanging plates and glasses, mixed with humor and conversation are the symphony we hear. I also like the way you described the food. Overall this is your best poem yet, very well written.

Carr's Review of Marybeth's Story 4/3

To: Marybeth Mareski
From: Carr Kizzier

Re: “It Happens”

Marybeth,

I like the way that you start the story. The meeting of George in a “community college photography class has a certain compellingness to it – maybe because we’re at a community college evening class, but also because it seems so real and personal on a certain level. And I also like some of the details of the voice here. We start to get a sense of who we are: someone who likes pot and would take a community college photography class. But also someone who is nice to people her friends don’t like, and the kind of person who has eccentric music tastes and is “vaguely ironic”. That’s good.
Overall, though, I don’t think this is a story per se. It is a sketch or fragment of a story, sure. But I don’t see the there there. First of all, the central “you” isn’t really developed enough for us to feel secure in her/our actions. I mean, why do we continue to hang around with someone who is dim like a 40 watt bulb? And who calls people ‘retards’? What is our motivation? Are we horny? Lonely? Cruel? (that latter seems unlikely, and isn’t supported in the end). There must be something motivating us, but I don’t see it here now. So that’s one thing – the lack of character development.
The second thing about this piece is that it doesn’t have what Flannery O’Connor calls that action on the part of the central character that comes as a surprise/not a surprise, and that signals a kind of shift in the universe of that character. Now here you’ve set us up for that moment when you have us go to George’s house (which is appropriately quirky by the way). But then nothing happens. We don’t kiss him (or worse), or have a near death experience, or have a big belly laugh, nothing. And that’s what is really missing here right now – that piece that will give the reader the sense that this is a story. So think about that.
OK. Finally, I would personally reconsider the second person POV. It’s hard to sustain (you’re sticking with it nicely here) when you really need to give us some background about a character. So think about that, too.
All right, Marybeth. I found a copy of “Sculpture I’. Read it and see how that one plays out. Good luck.

CK

Carr's Review of Mike's Story 4/3

To: Mike Rocks
From: Carr Kizzier

Re: “To Protect”

Mike:

Like in the first chapter, you start off with some really nice imagery and description here. “The sun still buried behind the mountains as if hiding from the night” is an excellent line, and I also like how Kibin describes his early morning routine – “Like a wave would wash footprints away off a beach.” That’s also very nice, and it’s good to have that come from Kibin here.
OK. Another thing I think you do well here is getting closer to Kibin. This section feels much more grounded in his perspective than the first chapter, which is what you needed. So good work.
All right. My main comment is again going to be to show more than tell. Right now you have a lot of expository dialogue, Mike, probably too much. It’s okay to have characters reveal things to us in their dialogue, but we also just need to see things happen. So try to show more, to describe the scene and action more. Your writing is strongest when you are describing, so do it a lot more. In addition, I don’t think you’ve quite nailed Mary’s voice. She is a master, right? So she probably doesn’t need to talk so much. And she will definitely not be surprised by much that Kibin does. Right?
OK. A final issue here for me is the pace of the story. I think in this second chapter you need to give Kibin a problem to solve. It’s fine to get him to the weapon master, but he needs to be going there for a purpose. He needs something concrete to do. So think about backing up a little and giving him a problem to solve, a goal to attain.

All right, Mike. This shows some real improvement in presentation as well. Keep it up. Keep on truckin with this one and see where it leads you. Good luck.

CK

Carr's Review of Felicia's Story 4/3

To: Felicia Plato
From: Carr Kizzier

Re: “The Anti-Valentines Day Story”

Felicia,

You’ve set us up here with an interesting scenario – the anti-valentine’s day party. That’s good. And you’ve got an intriguing locale, the Hand-Me-Down House in the city. I found myself curious about that – the history, where it is, etc. And then you’ve got your characters, Melissa and Sarah, each of whom has a mission or desire here. And I like the fact that you set them up as kind of opposite, but in a way which is complementary rather than difficult. That works well, I think.
OK. One thing I’d recommend right away is to choose one of these characters to tell your story about, to get closer to. At first I was thinking that this was Melissa’s story, because we get into her head more at the beginning. She seems to comment on Sarah’s situation, and she makes the plans. When we get to the end, though, this is clearly Sarah’s story. She is the one who ends her slump at the party, and she is the one who acts at the end by calling Kevin. I’m not sure that works here. Can you shift into one of their POV?

Another thing I think needs to happen here is to have their personalities and styles develop more. You tell us how different they are right away, but then kind of drop it. So I would take more time here, let the story develop over the course of the night, so that the reader can begin to get a feel for how these two really operate on different planes.
Finally, I think the party needs to have more of a climax, an event that spurs us forward into the ending where Sarah calls Kevin (or maybe that plot line will fall way altogether).
You might check out two things fort ideas about this type of story: “Greasy Lake” by TC Boyle and Swingers, a film by Doug Lymon.

All right, Felicia. This story has the potential for both comedy and vivid description. So jump into it more. Show us what’s really going on in this world. Give us a reason to care about these two. I think we’ll be willing to go along for the ride.
Good luck.

CK

Carr's Review of Heather's Poems 4/3

To: Heather Wiegand
From: Carr Kizzier

Re: “the only way I can say this to you” and “I won’t crash … not this time”

Heather,

First of all, the titles here for your poems I really like. They are understated, and set the tone for the poems to follow. So good choices there. And this is an interesting pairing. The first poem, “the only way” is a poem about someone who loves her partner more than he loves her. Good topic. It happens to everybody at some point, right? And it is painful. Ouch. The second poem, “I won’t crash”, isn’t exactly the opposite of the first, but it’s fro ma sharply different angle – that of the woman who has been burned, and who now is afraid to take the plunge while at the same time is excited by this new prospect. Good.
OK. So there are some things to work on. Overall, I would say that “the only way” needs to show more than it is right now. You have a great line about having a heart in Dixie. Excellent. So exploit that more. A.) What does that mean, and where does it come from? Give us some more background to that. And B.) How does that inform the current situation? Is there something about southern attitudes towards love and/or women that make this relationship the way that it is? I think that’s something you really need to think about, and which could make this poem really take off. This is the kind of poem where you might want to make direct reference to a work you have read by another author – in this case a southern one. Try that and see where it leads you.
In “I won’t crash” I think you need more showing as well, but here I would suggest a shift in organization as the primary revision strategy. You start off here strongly: “loud exhaust/ not so loud boy” leads to “thoughts of more/ going through my mind.” I really like that progression. It’s taking us to a place where we want to go. You make us curious. And then you have a big old shift when you get to “jaded.” Here you become “numb” and hesitant. That’s interesting, but the jump is unclear. So I suggest you write this more like a narrative. Tell us the story of meeting this “not so loud boy” and what he does to you. Show us the feelings that arise, and then the reaction against those feelings because of past experiences. Try to show us that you are jaded and afraid without telling us that or even using those words. Let us figure it out. Know what I mean?

OK. Give it a shot, Heather. There’s some very good material here to mine. So start digging. Yeah you right!
Good luck,
Carr

Review for Heather

"The Only Way I Can Say This To You"

You make the theme of the poem obvious from the start. We're clearly talking about relationship issues. You use some good imagery such as "My heart lies in Dixie" "Late nights and sluggish mornings. There were certain words that jumped out at me. I wanted to know more. I think it could be longer and more detail oriented. So many people write poems abut love and romance, and the trick is finding a way to write about it in a way that it hasn't been done before. You have great structure here. I would just like to see some elaboration.

"I Won't Crash...Not This Time"

Of the two poems, i liked this one more. It seemed more genuine to me. I really felt the emotion here. "Jaded by life's experience" "Afraid of excitement" I believed you. Again, i still thought it could be elaborated on a little, but it is clear that you have suffered, and are trying to make a change. Good job.

Review for felicia

The Anti-Valentines Day story:

To start, i definitely liked the idea of an "anti-valintines day." The idea alone grabed my interests and made me want to read the story. Like a few others have mentioned, i enjoyed the clash in personalities between Mellisa and Sara. It was neat to throw these two seemingly different entities together. Kinda like an Odd Couple sorta thing. The pace of the story was good. I followed everything with ease, and clarity for the most part. I did feel that the story didn't realy live up to what i originally thought it would. For it being about an anti-Valentines Day, the characters didn't really seem to be commiting to the idea. The ending left me desiring more. I think i would expand on the concept, and draw it out more. great idea though.

Review for Marybeth

Hey, It happens:

This was a fun story to read. I think alot of people can relate to the subject matter. Judging someone too soon. Wanting to believe that someone is what you perceive them to be... It's always a let down. You do a great job of flowing words together, and making the story breezy and enjoyable to read. Parts were humorous, and parts left me feeling sorta bad for this "George" kid. You give some great descriptions. Some of my favorites being "Bloated like a water logged corpse" "There's a basic disconnect, like you're on different planes, close enough to wave at each other but not really meet each others eyes." My only issue was that at times i felt like i was reading a letter from a friend rather than a short story. It felt almost too formal maybe? Like something i would read on a blog. I am curious to know if the story holds any truth? I think i would prefer if i didn't. Overall, your writing is definitely something i enjoy, and you have a knack for story telling. Awesome.

Review for Michael.

To Protect (Chapter Two):

I'll start by saying that i like the direction you seem to be going in. The relationship between Kibin and Mary is something you seem to be focusing on a lot, and i think that works very well. You're doing a good job of creating a fantasy environment, and there is some good descriptions at times. " There in front of them stood a huge stone wall going on for about half a mile till it met the mountains..." The description in that paragraph is nice. While reading i still found myself having to stop and figure out certain misuses with spelling and grammar. I would definitely suggest using some kind of spell check to help you out. It really distracted me at times, and made me lose the pace of the story. I think if you work on tightening the structure, the overall piece will become much stronger.

To...Felicia

I immediately was drawn in to the story when it mentioned the first two characters and how they were polar opposites. I like the mention of Stoli vanilla, although I have never heard of it put anywhere near ginger ale. To each their own, I assume. The idea of an Anti-Valentine’s Day party is something intriguing, and makes me wonder if this story has any real-life experience attached to it. However, I do not think setting off fireworks in the city is a good idea at all. It ends on a cliff-hanger? What? (I was typing this as I read the story.) I wanna know how it goes with Kevin. Or…maybe I don’t.

To...Marybeth

I like how this was written because it immediately throws you (me), the reader into the story and puts it like we’re living it because the detail describes vaguely scenarios we have all seen before (a church, a diner…etc.) I laughed a lot at this short piece of fiction because it is comical, especially the sentence “He once claims to have ‘jungle fever,’ but you cannot imagine any actual African-American women consenting to sleep with him.” I especially loved the excerpt…” Someone drops a french fry into a cup of water near him, where over the course of your conversations it becomes bloated like a water-logged corpse, loses its structural integrity, and begins to shed flecks of potato into the surrounding fluid. You later realize that the water is missing and the sad fry has slumped weakly to the bottom. “ because I can envision it because I have once dropped a French fry into a liquid. Well done and see my version for more notes, comments and goodness.

felicia's story

Felicia's story was about two friends going to anti-valentine party where no one can hook up. both charters just sat around "double fisting" drinks. nothing really happens only that one of the charters thinks "Kevin 's" hot.

Comments: I feel like it could use more details and a bit more action. in one part of the story cops came to the house and nothing happen other then they went in the house, maybe some more detail there or like someone got smart with the cop.

Hey, It Happens

To: Marybeth Mareski
From: Jessica
Re: Hey, It Happens

Brief Description:
This story is about a guy named George whom the author met in a photography class. The writer describes how the friendship began, is personality traits and looks, their outing together every Wednesday night, and George's family. Eventually the writer comes to a point where George starts to annoy her by his strange stories and the fact that her best friend doesn't want him around anymore. She like nice people but after summer the class ends and so does their friendship. The story has a warning at the end that basically states: Be careful with whom you choose to become friends with. Don't just become friends with that person based solely on their taste of music.

Comments/Suggestions:
The author's voice is very strong throughout this story. I can definetly hear Marybeth come through. I also enjoyed the lesson learned ending. Quiet an interesting story if I may say so.

The Anti-Valentines Day Story

To: Felicia Plato
From: Jessica
Re: The Anti-Valentines Day Story

Brief Description:
This is a story about two friends named Sarah and Melissa and their trip to a party to celebrate their disdain of Valentine's Day. (ie the title)
They are told by Kevin once they arrive at the party held at the hand me down house that there will be no kissing, no hooking up, and no couples allowed.However, later in the story it seems that Sarah has a growing interest in Kevin and eventually gets his number. During the party some people set off fireworks which triggers the cops arrival. Once they leave the party ends and Sarah tried to call Kevin but doesn't reach him.

Comments/Suggestions:
The author's voice is okay but not strong. The wording in this story could use some work since there are times when the detail is slim. I would suggest going into more of the background of the main characters. Why/How did they become friends? What makes them different besides their tastes in music and clothing. What about their looks? I would spend some time describing what the girls look like, what their surroundings look like.

I won't crash not this time

To: Heather Wiegand
From: Jessica
Re: I won't crash not this time

I would assume this poem is about the hopeful prospect of a nice guy. It seems as though you are trying to get across that this one makes you comfortable and is easy to talk to. You are in a struggle with yourself demonstrated by the line, "I will not lie I feel jaded" and "Jaded by life experience." I would try to elaborate more on the experience. Why are you "numb" when a nice one comes along? Why would it break you? I am unsure of the opening line "Loud exhaust not so loud boy". This doesnt seem to relate to the rest of the poem. Perhaps change the title by calling it simply Crash.

The only way I can say this to you

To: Heather Wiegand
From: Jessica
Re: The only was I can say this to you

I like the opening part of the poem and the lines, "I'm back into your arms exactly where I wanna be, my heart lies in Dixie". This poem is similar to your past writings in that of the theme and style. I am not sure though of the layout here. You are happy to be back in this persons arms because this person knows you better than you know yourself. If the romance ended then it sort of conflicts. I understand that you are probably trying to say that you have broken up and now you are running back. Then again the poem does not state which person ran back to the other. If the romance ended why? If he was worth it of course.

To Protect (Chapter 2)

To: Michael Rocks
From: Jessica
Re: To Protect (Chapter 2)

Brief Description:

The story begins on a lone road in the field where Kibin and Mary are walking. They are walking toward a mountain and talking about Kibin and his training. They are deep into conversation about this subject but Kibin grows upset when Mary announces that he will meet the weapons master the following day. Eventually they walked their way to a gate where they heard some sort of noise. They had arrived to attend the academy where men train to become knights. The story ends with Kibin opening the door to the academy so that he may be able to train in hopes of becoming a knight.

Comments/Suggestions
There is a tense shift throughout this story. I would change some of the wording throughout. Try describing more in depth certain details as if you are the character speaking. In other words Kibin needs a stronger voice.