Israel Comments

“The World” Response:

Israel, you’re poem is very deep. I like how you compared good and evil to colors on a tapestry and the four seasons to different emotions. Your short stanzas and word choice help to create a nice rhythmical flow. Furthermore, I think the philosophical and moral views you were trying to convey are admirable. The importance of love is certainly not understated and you do a good job of giving examples. There are however major things I would consider revising. Though I agree with your assertions on the human condition, others may not, mainly because they’re too direct and leave little room for disagreement. It’s been my experience that when you tell someone 2 + 2 = 4, their first reaction will be to disagree with you. I suggest that instead of telling you’re readers what to think, show them. Take a more descriptive approach and drawl the reader in by allowing them to visualize virtue, sin, tenderness, passion…

My Sons, My Daughters:

This poem is very strong and like the first one it flows very well. I had trouble determining who it was addressed to, God, a child, or maybe just all people in general, but how much you care about your subject is certainly evident. This is clear when you write lines like “Do you realize that the only reason why I’m here is for my eyes to gaze upon you,” and “When you smile angels are born…” Strong lines like those tell the reader how passionate you are toward who you’re writing about. My favorite line is “Why the shame that haunts your eyes, why the mocking laughter that taunts your waking hours?” The words flow so well together and the reader gets a strong sense of urgency and depth when you talk about the mocking laughter and how it taunts your every hour. Overall, I thought this poem was very well written and enjoyable to read.