Critiques for May Day

Charlie’s Story
Schizophrenia

A man works at a gym with a billiards-loving, schizophrenic janitor with whom he has a cordial relationship.

A few lines that really rang true with me – the way Dan brings up his schizophrenia “in the nonchalant fashion most people use when they talk about the weather.” Dan’s politician-like drive to fulfill his duties. The way he lists off monster movies – I can almost hear the sing-song tone in my head. The way at the party how the narrator and Dan sit together and “share a similar disconnection.” Which is a party feeling I have fought with myself, but why are they disconnected in this instance? Dan doesn’t have any traits, besides mentioning schizophrenia, that one assumes a schizophrenic might have – my big question: what does Dan teach the narrator? What does he gain from Dan’s acquaintance? That seemed to be the direction this story was going in, but I didn’t see a lesson, really.


Jane’s Story
Penny and Antonia

A mother and daughter pair of bullfrogs reminisce about their life on the pond, before the daughter meets a charming frog gentlemen.

This is a really cute idea for a story. I especially like how their phrasing seems sort of Victorian, like they are Victorian bullfrogs, which is just irresistible. A few nit-picky things. “Most of all, when ‘jug-a-rum’ was shouted, the significant other knew who was calling.” This is clever but distracting; significant other is an established term for romantic partner. “More often, the sighting of bluejays and mockingbirds were seen.” The double ‘seeing’ is redundant. I feel as though I’m not sure what this story is about. The ending seems a bit tacked on.

Wynter’s Story
Monster

A young girl has a monster under her bed offering to ‘take care’ of her jerk of a stepfather. Gradually she becomes convinced that this is the best thing to do for the family, but the monster doesn’t take care of things in the manner the girl expected.

I like the fantasy theme applied to a modern setting. A few times, in the descriptions, I felt like I was reliving your dragon story, and like in that one, the descriptions of the creature are strong – “The long, serpentine form seemed to stretch endlessly from the dark corner in which it had been lurking.” There’s a few of Jamie’s actions that read strange to me, such as smiling at the end when she’s explaining what happened. I think a girl in that situation would be panicked and stricken. “She … made a rather good show of looking sullen.” Sounds like she’s making a display of it. Is she sullen, or is she trying to be (and thus being weird)? I like this story, I like the point of this story, I like that it follows an arc and wraps up in a satisfying way. Would you give more solid examples (that is to say, show) why the stepfather deserves to die, or is the moral ambiguity part of the point of the story? At any rate, good work.