Carr's Review of Anna's Poems 4/24

Re: “My Giant” and “Songs from the South”

Anna,

One thing I like about both of these poems is that you use everyday experiences to serve as the frame for your poetry. In “My Giant” you take on a difficult subject: the death of a beloved pet. This is a hard subject to write about – one because it’s sentimental, but maybe moreso because it’s hard to write about a sentimental subject with slipping into something sugary sweet (like your honeysuckle). So I think you’ve made the correct choice to focus instead on your father – and the even draw some parallels between him and the dog. That’s good, and it leads to my favorite line of the poem, “First supportive, then a traitor to love.” I actually think “Traitor to Love” would be a better title here.
Anyhow, one thing I think would improve this poem is a re-thinking of the structure. Right now your narrative frame is uneven – you start with the dog, then move to you dad, then finally get to the story at the restaurant. I suggest that you begin at the restaurant and let the details unfold from there. Don’t get us twisted before we begin if you know what I mean.
All right. “Songs from the South” takes a different perspective. There is no grand subject here. This is a poem about one of those finer, simpler experiences – hanging out as a child, drinking tea. I really like that quality here. It works well. And here I like the way you use the “story” as it were to lead us to a change – the roles of friend and “interloper” have changed by the end of the poem. That works well.
So there are two things I suggest for this one: first, I think you would do well to start the poem with the image of child as interloper. The first four lines seem unnecessary to me. Start with “I am ten.” That has some power and will draw us in.
The second thing I suggest is to really ramp up the imagery here. And the way I suggest you do that is to try and write this poem without adjectives and adverbs. This poem I think would improve with more showing and more vivid detail. Avoid the repetition of the word summer as well – we get it. We’re there with you. Draw us in with the details.
OK, Anna. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
CK