Carr's Review of Israel's Poems 4/24

Israel,

In both of these poems you are attempting to tackle large, seemingly important issues. In “The World,” you are trying to weave an image of our world—disjointed, ugly, noisy, wretched. But what I like is that you also offer up a solution, a way out. You get “A glimpse of the Garden of Eden,” an image that I like very much and that I think you could exploit even more here – way more. And then the poem turns – to love as the answer. I like that, Israel. I think that has a bunch of possibility.
OK. Where I think the poem isn’t working right now is in the imagery. I can see your poetic plans here, and I think they are worthy – but the execution isn’t quite on the mark. For example, you say “These are all the colors/ That are the tapestries of our reality.” The “these” refers to the nouns in your first stanza: “Heaven and hell/ Virtue and sin/ Light and dark.” That’s almost good. But how are those things colors? And how are the colors then tapestries? Tapestries are made of cloth. I don’t see it – because the language isn’t precise enough right now, Israel. So my biggest suggestion right now, Israel, is to remove all indefinite pronouns like these and this from your poem. Don’t let yourself fall back on them. It will help you to be specific. We need to know what exactly all these ‘theses’ refer to. It will help you hone your language skills.
OK. When I read “My Sons, My Daughters” I started thinking of the poems of Rumi, so if you haven’t read any of his work, check it out. By the end, though, I think I realized what you’re driving at here. This seems to me to be a poem about impotence – the inability of one person to save another, the inability of one person to infuse another with spirit, with g-d. That’s a good subject. But I think you’re too vague here, Israel. I don’t think readers will connect because you aren’t talking about real people and real actions. Try to write this same poem about a real person – someone that you see who doesn’t recognize his or her own beauty, someone that you see shining with g-d’s love. But give us the real details. I think that poem could really come to life.
OK. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
CK