Carr's Review of Felicia's Story 4/3

To: Felicia Plato
From: Carr Kizzier

Re: “The Anti-Valentines Day Story”

Felicia,

You’ve set us up here with an interesting scenario – the anti-valentine’s day party. That’s good. And you’ve got an intriguing locale, the Hand-Me-Down House in the city. I found myself curious about that – the history, where it is, etc. And then you’ve got your characters, Melissa and Sarah, each of whom has a mission or desire here. And I like the fact that you set them up as kind of opposite, but in a way which is complementary rather than difficult. That works well, I think.
OK. One thing I’d recommend right away is to choose one of these characters to tell your story about, to get closer to. At first I was thinking that this was Melissa’s story, because we get into her head more at the beginning. She seems to comment on Sarah’s situation, and she makes the plans. When we get to the end, though, this is clearly Sarah’s story. She is the one who ends her slump at the party, and she is the one who acts at the end by calling Kevin. I’m not sure that works here. Can you shift into one of their POV?

Another thing I think needs to happen here is to have their personalities and styles develop more. You tell us how different they are right away, but then kind of drop it. So I would take more time here, let the story develop over the course of the night, so that the reader can begin to get a feel for how these two really operate on different planes.
Finally, I think the party needs to have more of a climax, an event that spurs us forward into the ending where Sarah calls Kevin (or maybe that plot line will fall way altogether).
You might check out two things fort ideas about this type of story: “Greasy Lake” by TC Boyle and Swingers, a film by Doug Lymon.

All right, Felicia. This story has the potential for both comedy and vivid description. So jump into it more. Show us what’s really going on in this world. Give us a reason to care about these two. I think we’ll be willing to go along for the ride.
Good luck.

CK