Carr's Review of Heather's Poems 4/3

To: Heather Wiegand
From: Carr Kizzier

Re: “the only way I can say this to you” and “I won’t crash … not this time”

Heather,

First of all, the titles here for your poems I really like. They are understated, and set the tone for the poems to follow. So good choices there. And this is an interesting pairing. The first poem, “the only way” is a poem about someone who loves her partner more than he loves her. Good topic. It happens to everybody at some point, right? And it is painful. Ouch. The second poem, “I won’t crash”, isn’t exactly the opposite of the first, but it’s fro ma sharply different angle – that of the woman who has been burned, and who now is afraid to take the plunge while at the same time is excited by this new prospect. Good.
OK. So there are some things to work on. Overall, I would say that “the only way” needs to show more than it is right now. You have a great line about having a heart in Dixie. Excellent. So exploit that more. A.) What does that mean, and where does it come from? Give us some more background to that. And B.) How does that inform the current situation? Is there something about southern attitudes towards love and/or women that make this relationship the way that it is? I think that’s something you really need to think about, and which could make this poem really take off. This is the kind of poem where you might want to make direct reference to a work you have read by another author – in this case a southern one. Try that and see where it leads you.
In “I won’t crash” I think you need more showing as well, but here I would suggest a shift in organization as the primary revision strategy. You start off here strongly: “loud exhaust/ not so loud boy” leads to “thoughts of more/ going through my mind.” I really like that progression. It’s taking us to a place where we want to go. You make us curious. And then you have a big old shift when you get to “jaded.” Here you become “numb” and hesitant. That’s interesting, but the jump is unclear. So I suggest you write this more like a narrative. Tell us the story of meeting this “not so loud boy” and what he does to you. Show us the feelings that arise, and then the reaction against those feelings because of past experiences. Try to show us that you are jaded and afraid without telling us that or even using those words. Let us figure it out. Know what I mean?

OK. Give it a shot, Heather. There’s some very good material here to mine. So start digging. Yeah you right!
Good luck,
Carr