Carr's Review of Jennifer's poems 4/24

Re: “Heartbreaker” and “Loki”

Jen,

I like the subjects you tackle here in your poems “Heartbreaker” and “Loki.” They both have to do with our youth and education, with our growing up in a certain sense. Good.
“Heartbreaker”, of course, is a lust poem – great – and your best line here is “He’s taught me many things/ of lust and heartbreak.” That seems very true, for these kinds of relationships – the ones that burn so hot they melt your skin – these are the kinds that also tend to lead to the most heartbreak. They burn so hot that they tend to have short lives. But the pain is so sweet!
OK. These are also difficult poems to wrote, these lust poems. For they require that the poet relate in some way the specifics of the cause of that lust. It’s nearly impossible to do in terms of physical description, for the whole nature of the attraction is chemical. So, what I suggest that you focus on in revision is trying to show us what this heartbreaker does, what his hair does. It’s there that you’ll be able to capture some of that feeling, by showing us how he (and his body) acts. We’ll also need plenty of comparisons, and this is where you can use your examples of writing about things you’ve read, about characters you’ve read about. Let them help you to approach this subject.
My favorite part of “Loki” comes at the end. The idea of your only worry being “If,/ I was gonna get carded when I bought my next pack of cigarettes” is so true, and such a nice way to end a poem. That’s very good. And you’ve got some good details, like the “cherry slurpee.” So I think the thing to work on here is showing more, Jen. You start with the details, but then about half-way through you slip into the vague: “Life was light/ Life was fun.” Those are so unspecific that they don’t resonate with the reader. So stick with the real. I think that will also help you to find exactly what it is you want to say about Loki. I’m not sure that’s clear at the moment.
All right. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
CK