Carr's Review of Trenise's poems 10-31

To: Trenise
From: Carr

Re: “Daddy” & “Lust”

Trenise:

I think there’s a lot of potential in both these poems for poetic exploration. In “Daddy”, the subject of disappeared/absent fathers is certainly important if not pervasive in our times and circumstances, making it good fodder for a poem. Right now what’s really coming through is the anger, particularly in all the “too lates.”
At the same time, the tone of the poem is predominantly that of the victim – someone who has been righteously wronged and now wants people to know. Does this work? Maybe. It will certainly garner you some sympathy for a few lines. But in the end, readers won’t stick around for long.
So, I’m going to suggest that you approach this from another angle. Look at the penultimate line: “My children will have their father who will forever be in their life.” That’s interesting. How does the narrator know? She doesn’t, or course. Think about this -- what does she think her own mother thought at the time she conceived her? That he would stick around? Probably. Or at least she probably hoped. So what if you wrote this poem as a way for the young woman to connect with her mother? Think about it.

OK. Like “Daddy,” you’ve got a good subject for poetry in “Lust.” I really like the line, “Your skin reminds me of the night.” That would be a great first line – and it would work even better if you followed that up by showing us how his skin reminds her of the night. Why is it night like?
You’ve also got an interesting notion in “Slave to your lust.” Usually one is a slave to one’s own lust, so that’s different. Try and exploit that more.
All right. In the end what I think this poems needs the most is a FRAME. And I even think you have it here: “as I lay beside you.” Try to write this poem from the perspective of a woman who is lying next to her lover just after having sex. This will give her the mindset to contemplate. Now, you can have it build to more desire, but try to start from the beginning and let her move with her emotions and desires – her urges. Let us be the witness to her gathering energy. Along the way, avoid easy words like “Dark/ Wet/Tight.” Those aren’t working here. Make us think. Really explore the idea of his lust trapping her. That would be good stuff.
All right, Trenise. Good luck and see me with questions.

Carr

Carr's Review of Derek's poems 10-31

To: Derek
From: Carr
Re: “A Farewell” and “An Irish Saturday Night Drinking Song”

Derek,
You’ve got a good subject for poetry in your piece, “A Farewell.” And the idea of being on an acid trip in DC for this goodbye is even better. That scenario opens up all sorts of questions and possibilities in the reader’s mind. Good.
At the same time, I’m not sure that you’re capturing the essence of the day –mainly because the poem lacks a FRAME for taking us through the farewell. Is this important? To me it is, for in the end you want the reader to sense the disorientation and bizarre nature of the day. We’re not going to get that if we’re confused. That may sound contradictory, but I think it’s true. Even – and maybe especially – when you want to convey a surreal scene, it’s important to give the reader a sense of grounded-ness. So, consider using the day in DC as the FRAME. Maybe you could even give us some background and context: why is she leaving? Why did you decide to trip? Ground us more in the real to heighten the surreal. Then take us through the day, using the imagery and symbolism and metaphor of the DC scene, of the places (DC is, after all, a city of monuments to loss. Exploit that for all it’s worth). And if I had to say one thing to you this semester, Derek, it would be to try and incorporate more metaphor, more myth into your poetry. Start reading some of the old classics. Go back to the Greeks and see what you can use for your own poetry. To see a great example in a novel, read The Minotaur Takes a Cigarette Break by Steven Sherrill.
OK. Mechanically, you rely on adjectives and adverbs here: “devouring hair”; “lovingly”; “incandescently, strikingly, unnaturally gorgeous”; “ageless beauty.” Work on weeding those from your work, in favor of strong verbs and nouns top convey the same ideas (like “Your hair devours my fingers as I squeeze your skull.”)

All right. “An Irish Saturday Night Drinking Song.” I like the idea of a drinking song as a poem, and I think several of your verses work well in that vein – particularly numbers two, three, and eight. What I also like is the overall theme: the way women do men wrong – or the ways men and women miscommunicate. That seems appropriate for a song about the boys getting together for a drunk on Saturday night.
OK. I have two main comments here. The first has to do with verse 4 – Monk’s dad’s verse. I like that one, but right now it doesn’t fit with the rest of the song. It’s about death and grieving. So why not make it fit. Try to relate Monk’s dad somehow to the ladies – it will be easy and probably even fun to do. You could comment on the looks of the corpse, the way the women were acting at the funeral – the possibilities are enormous.
My second comment has to do with word choice, and ways to make this seem more “Irish.” Look again at words like “lass,” “shit-faced,” and “slut” (you made a good choice with “whore”, which the Irish pronounce like hoo-er). You might even look for a book of Irish slang to help you along there. Some of the Irish expressions are pretty cool, and would be good fodder for poems.

All right. There’s some good material to work with here, Derek. See me with questions.
Carr

A Farewell and An Irish Saturday Night Drinking Song

A Farewell: I noticed this in your other workshop poems, you really have a way of appealing to the senses. A lot of the images you present to us are easily envisioned. My favorite line was "the grasses of the park waving their hands behind you," personification really adds depth to images and enables the reader to actually see them. I feel that because there are so many illusions to drugs, you could give us a little more. I know you are able to create amazing images so lets see some more!

An Irish Saturday Night Drinking Song: This was brilliant! In fact, it seems that you made everyone smile with this one. This was unqiue, much different from what I had expected. I like that each character has their own little story going on, it really gives this piece some motion and progression. I really liked the line "turning his home into a revolving door," not only did this make me laugh, but I thought it was also a really clever way to describe just how easy Andy's lady was. The chorus is perfectly placed and time, this song clearly has good rhythm and was by far my favorite piece from you yet!

Daddy and Lust

Daddy: One thing I appreciate about your writing is that you make it so relatable and certainly do not beat around the bush, you get straight to the point! In this poem you have attacked what seems to be an unfortunately all too common experience, especially in this country, of detachment from one of your parents. You give us a lot of good examples of the void in your life, especially the line that says "you would be the first and last thing I saw before going to bed," this one really hits you because you can envision a lonely little girl in bed who just wants love from an absent father. I also liked the repetition you used in many of your lines, I think by doing this it clearly expresses your anger. The only thing I would suggest is a little more depth and detail, I like that you have used this topic, but I don't fully feel it. I suggest adding some more details that the reader can become attached to and assign emotions to.

Lust: Wow. This poem doesn't leave too much to the imagination, which is probably a good thing. In dealing with a topic such as sex, some people are hesitant to let down their barriers and tell it like it is. I like it that your so bold when you write. In this poem especially you describe to us an individual who is confident of their abilities. Although I do appreciate your straight forward approach I feel that you could be a little more abstract. Something like sex should incorporate the senses. What does he taste like? What does his skin feel like? How about the sound? Heaving breathing, moaning, etc.

Farewell and An Irish Saturday Night Drinking Song

"A Farewell" is beautiful. I think the beauty is in the comparision between, the good, the bad and the ugly. For example,

You would look lovely in a cascade of sweat and pear scent,
I would play the part of the broken hearted misanthrope,
sweating and reeking of smoke and sadness.

This set of lines is wonderful:

You were nothing but color that long day,
incandescently, strikingly, unnaturally gorgeous,
a brilliant plumage of greens and blues

Two more of my favorite lines:

the grasses of the park waving their hands behind you.
I burned the palaces of your beauty down


"Drinking Song"

This was soo much fun, and really reminded me of my grandfatherand his old drinking buddy's when i was a little girl. Ha. the stories each of them had and how they just get to together to get wasted and forget their problems, so realistic. The repeated chorus tied it up and made the image of these singing drunk irish men stand so much stronger in my mind. Well done.

Lust and Daddy

WOW! Both of these poems are so blunt. I love it.

In Daddy, the time progression works well to demonstrate exactly how much a fatherless child endures by themself. I like how you give insight on the big milestones in a person's life, but I think just some of the most basic everyday tasks that a father misses out on should be touched upon.

In Lust, you give alot of vivid images, to be interpretted for what they are. A few that stood out are,
Our bodies intertwine

Dark
Wet
Tight

I drink your soul

Your use of repetition is also nice here, with Darkness Blackness, and, in and out
In and out. I can appreciate the straight up approach.

Lust and Daddy

In the poem ‘Daddy’ Trenise tackles difficult subject matter, and does a good job of depicting what a dead beat dad misses or more appropriately what he does to try and attempt to be a decent father, and how it dosent pass. I particularly like the line "Why have you done me wrong?" this screams blues music, which I think if you’re going to keep this poem impersonal would be a good way to go. If not, a more personal, introspective approach would help get your anger and anguish across much better.
In ‘Lust’ you describe a very sexual encounter completely unhidden from the reader, which may work in a different context, i.e. had you bared you soul to this person, how ever its his soul that you take, not the other way around. There are a few lines I really like that work very well "As we tumble through ecstasy in and out" and "In and out of reality and fantasy I" these seem to be about the basic physical act of sex but are well hidden in the abstract. Personally I think this poem could work very well in the abstract, not everything has to be a narrative! Imagine very close up photographs of eyes and lips and what ever other body parts you feel like tossing in, describe those with the solid words you already used like tight, wet, dark. Also answer what it’s like to be a slave to lust, you describe all the physical but never the mental. Slave is a very strong word to use, so let the reader know more about it. I think this has a lot of potential, keep working on it.

Review: Trenise McClean

Lust: This poem is Raw. Emotional.Passionate. I like the rhythm of the poem, and this line in particular,
"As we tumble through ecstasy in and out
In and out of reality and fantasy I"
There is a struggle between desires: "reality" and "fantasy" and "Love" and "lust."
Sex can be a little messy at the end, and this poem is, too. For me, the last two lines, "Unjust it is But unjust it(?) life," lost the rhythm and seemed anticlimactic after all that passion.

Daddy lists the disappointment and unmet expectations a child with an absent father has to deal with. I like the progression of the time line: Childhood, prom, college, engagement, wedding, grandchild, and how there is resolution and closure at end of the poem, "Unlike me my children will not have to sacrifice."There are alot of typos in this poem, easy enough to fix. The line, "For leaving me alone in the world, you dint care" seems a bit awkward. Maybe "I was alone in the world..." or "You left me alone in the world..."

A Farewell and An Irish Saturday Night Drinking Song

All right to get it out of the way, I have nothing negative to say about An Irish Saturday Night Drinking Song, BRILLIANT. I actually laughed aloud when reading it at work, got a few funny looks, but it was worth it. My favorite part was "Monk saw in the back a fine young lass. Stevie-Boy told him she takes it in the....", I appriciate your sense of humor.

With "A Farewell" a see sort of a repeat of a contrast between chaotic/broken images with beauty and love as we saw in your last workshop, and I think you should keep working with that, because so far it's great. Your iamges in this story are wonderful and can easily be envisioned even if sober, which I believe is key - you allow the reader into drug manifested world without needing experiences themselves. I don't think you need to outwardly state "Hey I'm tripping and I'm in love!", I think the images speak for themselves.

Review: Daddy and Lust.

I agree when it is said that the topic of Daddy is relaitable and all too familiar with many people now a days. The repition of "Too late" adds a few levels to the poem, at first seeming that the author is stating a sort of "Look what I did without you" tone, but this underlying "I wanted you there" tone struck me after reading the poem a few times over. Great! Near the end of the poem though I feel that you in a way revert back to a childs viewpoint as opposed to this strong independant woman the author is made out to be. "if you did you would be the first and last thing i saw before going to bed" - I'd stick with either the adult view or a child's veiw of an absent father, or balance them out more, I think that'd be extremely interesting.

The poem Lust... WHOA GIRL! ha! While very telling, I believe that the detail you put into the poem should be applauded, that took some guts to put out there. A few things: In relation to line 5, "Love, lust, which I should decide" I think a new title might help seeing as how you are questioning if it is love or lust you are experiencing. But I also think that would be more intriguing to explore. Explain the lust and love side of the encounter, maybe why you can't decide or whats leading to the confusion. The wording of the last two lines is a bit awkward for me, maybe rewording them might help.

Review: Derek Salisbury

I just read an Irish Drinking Song to my my old man. Thanks to ye and his Irish heritage he's off to fetch a stout. Oh! Great fun. I liked Meaghan's verse suggestion, but this is your drinking song. Here's mud in yer eye, laddie!

A Farewell: Every life
except
this
one.
I like this end stop. It is effective and stands out from the rest of the text. It shows a technique used in several of the poems that we've read. For example: Mary Jo Bang's poem "The Dog" Bark,
"...Lucky

To Be Alive"
You revisit some themes introduced in Temptation has a Beautiful Face( a.k.a. On a Bus to Port Coquitlam), references to kaleidoscopic colors,"You were nothing but color that day, incandescently, strikingly, unnaturally gorgeous, a brilliant plummage of greens and blues," drugs, "Gently, from the cover of tall shadows, I put the paper in," and "flame" imagery, "all the grace of flame," and sex, of course! The line, "I asked you to shut your eyes and open your mouth," caused flashbacks. There is something romantic and pragmatic about these poems. Simultaneously, they are harsh and ugly, "We were lovers in a cheap motel bed!" and hopeful and lovely, "... and a kiss to last forever and a day longer."

review 7: Trenise McLean

I have to say Daddy is perfect timing because I'm bringing Sylvia Plath's famous poem by the same title next week. So welcome to the club. Apparently, bad fathers are good for poetry if nothing else. You have a good timeline going here with all the holes he left. I was thinking something more concrete to illustrate his absence would be his empty place at the table on Thanksgiving. That would go along with the birthday and Christmas cards which are a good detail too, maybe dig them out if you have any old ones and use his words against him. What he said and what he didn't say. Unfortunately, because this seems to be a common experience, I think you need to personalize it a bit more. You don't need to call him a nazi like Plath does, but give us a fuller picture of your frustration. These are all generic experiences-graduation, engagement, wedding- what about something more unique to your life that he missed? Think of it as free therapy (and in good company- read some Anne Sexton and Plath just don't follow their example too closely). Like Natalie Goldberg said, "go for the jugular".
In Lust, I didn't think I'd ever say this, be more vague and mysterious. You have some good images like "my heart starts to pound", "we tumble through ecstacy", "every touch.. wanting to last an eternity". All those explicit words are good, "dark/ wet/ tight", but they would be better if you hid them a little so they became an allusion to the sex act. Say your throat is tight. Say you swallow in anticipation. Say your lips are wet. Etc... But once you put it out there so obviously, the reader lights a cigarette and turns on the tv, so to speak. This needs to be a build up. More foreplay. Give us the images that evoke lust first. Be coy.

review 7: Derek Salisbury

One of my favorite lines in A Farewell is "a brilliant plumage of greens and blues". All the ways you've brought us into the trip- she melted to the bench, the sweating, the colors- these are the details I want from this piece. In the middle you get ginsbergian, "We were lovers in a cheap motel bed!/ We were soldiers in an unwinnable war!/ We were always together in every past life!" which is good for this poem, passion! hallucinations of love! I think he'd approve. Now, this is what I want, LOVE IS AN ACID TRIP. What do you think? Give us the mind bending, the crazy visions, the intense emotion, how it feels endless, everything's beautiful and then there are premonitions, irrational fears, the come down, and the next day it kicks your ass. Isn't that the kind of love you're talking about? The parallel could be brilliant. I like that it takes place in the nation's captial. All that idealism and pomp sets the stage, "the glowing domes of our nation's dying capital". I think you could strengthen that parallel too.
An Irish Saturday Night gets a staggering two..no, three, no..how many thumbs are there? Anyway, thumbs up. Fun to read. One thing I'd suggest is adding more of the language, some of the real gaelic slang. You've done well with the storytelling, very true to the subject matter of Irish pub songs. (I was in southern Ireland a few summers ago so I'm a little biased for this piece.) I get the feeling you're trying to modernize it a bit, the traditional songs I've heard don't say "slut" outright. The Irish are fond of riddles and trueisms, maybe try to say these things with more irony, in a more indirect or round about way. Think dirty limericks. "Dear ol' Monk sings to grieve for his dad,/ he left Monk everything that he had./ So we raise our mugs high/ with tears in our eyes/ 'cause that man left a bitch of a tab".
Both of these are worth the work of revision. Great material.

Prematurely Picked and The Night Life

Prematurely Picked: I loved the two phrases "married hibiscus" and "savored trumpet", these two sets of words, which initially do not appear to have any relation, are bonded together by your use of description. I really liked the lines "Nor am I blossoming, turned inward..." I got a good visual in my head of this flower and can actually understand the anger that is expressed. Generally anger is something that a lot of people tend to hide and keep inside, much like the flower that has not blossomed yet. I also really liked the line "My colors misrepresent me. I am not showy". I think I liked this so much because it is basically a way of saying don't judge a book by it's cover, but in a very creative and insightful way. The only thing I think you could fix would be the overall unity of the poem. I feel that although I really like the images you presented, there could be something that ties them together.

The Night Life: This poem is so real to me because it really portrays life. People really come alive when they have had some alcohol and do things that are sometimes unexpected. The line "I am kinetic and full of potential" because both of these words deal with energy, which it is clear you have plenty of. I like being able to see things as I read them so I really enjoyed the stanza that begins "I remember walking out of the bar," this made me laugh because I could actually visualize the drunken "walk of shame" if you will. Overall I like the ability you have to create reality in your poem, nothing is so drowned in symbolism that it loses its meaning. I feel that this poem was kind of choppy at parts, I think there could be a smoother transition or you may just be able to take out the part that says "I am once again, Just the plump, White girl, Down on vacation from the states." Somehow I think this stanza almost adds a negativity to the poem which isn't present anywhere else.

Grunt

April,
I read this story many many times because I absolutely loved it. You have established a true voice here, in both your word choice and transitions from one paragraph to the next. In the first paragraph I like how you introduced the father as "Yes Sir! No Sir!" I think this works really well because it reflects not just his marine background but the way in which he deals with his children. You used a lot of visual elements in this story like "altar of big, black, shiny combat boots," "tattooed with inky bruises"...I could actually see these things as I was reading the story. I also really liked how you used the acronyms to describe each one of the girls, I just thought this was really unique and it really stuck out to me. I honestly don't think I've read a short story that I have enjoyed as much as this one, you have a wonderful way with words. My only suggestion would be to elaborate just a little bit more. I was a slightly confused about the gunshot and also feel you could have shed some more light on what happened to each of the girls. Other than that I enjoyed this story very much and I hope you keep writing because I would love to read more of your work!

Grunt

This is an excellent story, very well written, concise and emotional. I like how it explores the emotional detachment a soldier is forced to breed while in war and also how this detachment and violence is brought back to the home when the war is done. The line "the United States Marine Corp, "OORah!" had used him up, squeezed him dry and ditched him like an empty tube of toothpaste." Showed how the narrator saw not only her father but the United States Marine Corps. I think the most poignant line of the story was "the heroes in this war were five little girls", this to me seems to sum up the entire story very well. I cant really find anything wrong with this, except that I want it to be longer only because I enjoyed reading it.

Review for Erin Wilson 10-24

To: Erin
From: Carr

Re: “Prematurely Picked” and “The Night Life”

Erin,

In both of your poems here you have some great lines. In “Prematurely” you even open with your best shot: “I am as shy as a married hibiscus.” That’s so nice. It’s intriguing and just sounds good. You also close that poem with a nice image – the vibrating woman who hasn’t flowered. Again, intriguing.
So what I would say is that your whole poem should strive to show us what a married hibiscus is like, starting from line 2. You have a line here that I think would work very well as that second line: “My colors misrepresent me.” I like that a lot. It gives us a much more interesting example of how you are like a married hibiscus than your current line: “I am taken.” That just doesn’t measure up to the vibrancy of the first line. And after that line, your whole poem is going to have to vibrate on that same wavelength. So keep working on those images. And I would try to make them consistent. Right now you kind of switch motifs in that fourth stanza to music. I don’t see the angry trumpets in the same room with the married hibiscus. It doesn’t ring as true to me. Think about it.
In “The Night Life” you’ve also got some good lines and images, and here they are well-served by the FRAME of the poem – a night out in Barbados with the drunk white girl who struts her stuff, finally free from restraint. What’s even better, however, is that some of the feeling of freedom sticks with her the next morning, even amidst all the pangs of shame and remorse that are the natural result of the “golden rum”: “A little fun,/ would make things/ that were not so beautiful/At the very least/ seem that way.” That’s a nice way to close the poem. It really gives your piece some movement.
OK. There are also a couple of openings here I like. I think you do a nice job in stanzas 7 and 8 with “But I was in Barbados” and “I remember … Well, not really.” Those work really well.
The main thing to work on here, I think, is the transition from the star of the show to the “plump,/ white girl”. That transformation seemed sudden and unearned to me. What happened there in the lights from the bar? Why did she “come to”? I think we need another stanza or two to get that.
And there’s another line here that I think you would do well to work on. That is the line “the double doors” between stanza two and three. That’s the kind of line that is perfect for carrying weight in both of those stanzas. Try to think of a way that you can get it to belong in both, so that the reader has to pause for just a moment, deciding which direction to take. See what I mean? There is a similar moment in “Prematurely” with “turned inward.” See what you can do with that.

All right, Erin. I definitely think you’ve got some good material to work with here. See me with questions or comments. Good luck.

CK

Review for April Meehan 10-24

To: April Meehan
From: Carr

Re: “Grunt: A True War Story”

April,

There’s an awful lot to like here in your story, “Grunt: A True War Story.” Right away you capture a certain mood and the voice of the narrator by giving the father an unusual nickname: Yes Sir! No Sir! That’s very good. And there are a number of excellent little details here in your story: the image of rocketing through space (2); the list of names they heard (3); the “rustle of the leaves printed on his camouflage uniform” (6); the use of the military acronyms (6-7). Those all serve to really ground us in these little girls’ world.
I also think you’ve got the hint of a kind of pivotal scene here, an event which throws these girls’ world even farther off kilter. You mention a gunshot on 6, and I know that’s important. How I’m not sure yet.
So, my primary suggestion for you with this story, April, is that you establish a FRAME for the story. Right now there is no discrete time frame within which the reader and narrator travel. Thus I think you would be served by creating one. Perhaps this can occur during a fall, or even a month. But don’t be vague about it. Tell us the story about these girls’ lives during that month or season. Tell us what they do, what they want to do. And include all the great details you have now within that context. Doing that will help to ground the reader, and I think it will enrich your story. For in a certain sense that’s what you need here – the story. I think you have it in your head now, but it’s not translating to the page. So work on describing MORE SCENES – from start to finish.
There are some more minor points – like about the organization of your first two pages (the separation of paragraphs one and four is confusing – in comp class it would be called incoherent). But I think that kind of thing would be cleared up by the establishment of a frame.
There are also some issues of word choice, etc, which you will notice in the manuscript. One thing to really work on here is choosing words that create and evoke a military feel.

All right. Overall I think this is very promising work, April. I definitely encourage you to continue working on this. Definitely.
Please see me with questions and/or comments. Good luck.

Carr

review 6: April Meehan and Erin Wilson

April:
This piece works well in so many ways I don't know where to start. The observations like "We grew up learning to be grateful for his presence", and "the United States Marine Corp, 'OORah!' had used him up, squeezed him dry and ditched him like an empty tube of toothpaste", and belting out curse words "like other kids, normal kids, with normal fathers, would sing rounds of Row,Row,Row Your Boat"... there are so many examples, all well chosen and well placed in the narrative. In The Wonder Boys (have you seen it? good writer's movie) it's said that fiction is all about making choices. I think you've made good choices here, including just the information that we need to imagine the larger picture, or what's below the surface to use the metaphor from class. Criticisms... this is hard. You could tighten phrasing here and there. I assumed that the gunshot at the end was his suicide but it's a little unclear. I don't think it should be too obvious but there are ways of saying it without saying it. I think that's the meaning in "We are still waiting. Amputees experience phantom pain where their missing limb used to be...", but I don't think it would hurt to add another clue somewhere, maybe even earlier in the story, foreshadowing. Also, I almost forgot, you are very good with voice, as we've seen in your other pieces, and you've done it again! I hope you will keep writing when the semester's over.

Erin:
"Prematurely Picked" gave me chills. I know that's cliche but too bad. There is a lot of potential in the flower metaphor. Sex, for example. At least Georgia O'Keeffe thought so. I like your opening line but (you know what I'm going to say next) I think the poem would be better served by images in the lines that follow "I am taken/ I am quiet/ I am reserved". You already peaked my interest with your opener, how and why is a married hibiscus shy? What does marriage mean here? A type of restraint? I was hoping for more information. Also, it might help to contrast images of restraint against vivid imagery of the liberated hibiscus in all it's glory. This is the fun part, describing the ultimate sex symbol.
"The Night Life" has a good central story. I especially like the twist in characterization, celebrity in the beginning and shame at the end. You might extend the illusion longer before hitting us with the reality. I think you could cut out the moral at the end too, let the scene speak for itself. The shoes are a good detail, "my open toed shoes the next morning/ covered in mud", "my heels digging deeper and deeper/ into the earth,/ as if to say,/ stay here". It might be nice to describe them earlier, maybe they're new, maybe you got them especially for this night and they make you feel glamorous. Extend the metaphor.

Prematurely Picked and The Night Life

In Prematurely Picked I liked the imagery a lot, the references to flowers and music work very well, but could be more descriptive especially if flowers are involved in the comparison. I really enjoy the introspective nature of the poem, particularly the lines ‘conformed, yet internally defiant." These lines to me show the kind of interesting clash that many people have between their inner self and their outer self and how they chose to portray that ‘outer’ self.
The Night Life is a poem that seems to speak of the very natural human behavior that takes place when someone is on a vacation far from home, where they have a chance not necessarily be someone else, but to not have to worry about the responsibilities that life normally bogs them down with. "After a bottle of gold rum, I am kinetic and full of potential, I am so fast and friendly" But the poem also talks about the downside of this situation, the realization that you must return to your ‘normal’ life. "Don't go back. Stay in this escaped moment forever." Also the last stanza of the poemwraps the emotion up very nicely.

Review: Erin Wilson

Review: Erin Wilson
Prematurely Picked & The Night Life

The Night Life describes the liberation that comes from anonymity (on vacation), from being placed in another context (Barbados) and emboldened by some liquid courage (golden rum).These three circumstances occurred simultaneously and created an opportunity that lead to self discovery (“I know that nothing lasts forever. Although I learned, That having a little fun, Would make things That were not so beautiful, At the very least, Seem that way.”) This poem also has some nice phrasing and imagery that speak to the dichotomies that lie within us, (“I am kinetic and full of potential/I am once again, Just the plump, White girl”). I liked the line, “My heels digging into the earth…Stay in this escaped moment forever.” I also liked, “And said, Thank you and Goodnight” as if everything in between was just a blur. I would suggest losing the quotation marks around the word Really in the last verse. Maybe you could show the frustration of that expectation by using words rather than punctuation to make your point.

Prematurely Picked speaks to the fact that externals and internals are often in opposition to each other, (“My colors misrepresent me/ Internally defiant”) A hibiscus is a brightly colored, tropical flower that requires certain unique conditions for it to reach its full potential. The unfulfilled promise of the hibiscus (woman) in this poem is obvious, (“…never Completely bloomed.”) I think the reason for this is made clear by the title of the poem, but I would like to know more about the circumstances that lead to being prematurely picked.

Review for Christen Chorba

To: Christen
From: Carr

Re: “A Diminishing Season” and “This is Manhattan”

Christen,

I really like some of the sentiments you have to close your poems – particularly here in “A Diminishing Season” (The “Hamster” poem is another one like this). Why I like them, I think, is because you show us a journey of self-discovery in your poems. In this case, you are writing an ode to winter – your least favorite season. Along the way you present us with images that you draw up from you memory. Then you roll the images around, watch them change and progress, until finally you realize that you maybe felt a little different about the subject than you realized at first. I think that’s great stuff for poetry.

And some of the images here are good. I think your choice of the parking lot is a good one. To me it is a good representation of the stasis of winter. I also like the idea of the sky and ground “impersonating” one another, and the “chemical concoctions” spilling from the trucks. Those are good.

So where I suggest you concentrate your efforts here are in the honing of your words and images. It’s as if you need to take the finer grit sandpaper to this piece and give it a polishing. Word Choice is one area in particular to focus on: substantial in size; casing; impersonate; by (line 11); neighboring streets; massive blackened heaps; paved. Those are all words I would look at again.
I also suggest that you try to ground us in your world more. One way to do that is to explain why you chose the parking lot. What does it mean to you? Why are you there looking at it? What do you do there? These are all questions that could be answered in modifiers or single lines, but that would really help the reader see your world.

OK. I also like the idea of “This is Manhattan” a lot. Poems about cities and NYC in particular have so much potential for real life – including the beauty of the grit. So I think that’s what this poem needs more of – more life. One way to do that is to strive for a more first-hand feel. Most of your images here now are kind of stereotypical, the kinds of things we’ve all seen in movies. But your poetry tends to address real life, Christen, so make it do that here. That’s what readers respond to.
So my suggestion is to go back to New York and look around. Take your notebook with you and look for the real details. Listen to the way people talk. Watch what they do, how they act. Smell the air. Taste the food. All those things. And you might also be specific about location. Manhattan is a big place with many characters.

All right. Your poetry shows some good effort and insight, Christen. Keep working on the polishing, the revision. That’s what it’s all about. Getting us to see your real life.
Good luck.

CK

Review for Christen Chorba

In "This is Manhattan" Christen explores the social realities of Manhattan. The first stanza shows the shiny side, the side that maybe only a tourist would see, the side that the city tries to project and the second stanza shows the reality of Manhattan. I like how Christen easily creates a scene with in the poem. I like this poem but I thought it could use a little more description, I wanted to know more about the models and actresses, but especially about the people who are exhausted and underpaid. What do they look like in comparison to the Models? What do they do while the models and actresses are driven around in their town cars? I think this would help create a bigger separation between the reality and the projection.In "A Diminishing Season" what struck me first was the revelation of the author at the end, which I like. The description in this poem was also very well done, it was easy to imagine the snow and the parking lots, but I also feel just a little more description is needed only because some people never see snow so they don’t really have a point of reference.

Review: Christen Chorba

Review: Christen Chorba
A Diminishing Season
This poem offered an unexpected perspective on a season that I, too, am not overly fond of, “that it was never winter that I didn’t favor, But our desire to subdue its beauty.” Just as you say, instead of accommodating and acclimating to nature, we distort and disfigure it to meet our needs. There are some strong contrasts in this poem, “blanketed by white/flashing lights and oversized trucks and plows,” that reinforce the man vs. nature theme. I liked the alliteration of “chemical concoctions” and the image that it evoked. I loved the line, “the sky and ground impersonate one another.” To me, this poem feels like winter. Suggestion: change “one another” to “each other”?

This is Manhattan
Strong words emphasize the dichotomy of wealth and poverty in this poem. The images of wealth, “Bistros, boutiques, town cars and Chanel suits,” juxtaposed to the images of poverty, “…everyday people are Exhausted and Underpaid, the scent of urine and cigarettes,” work well. The line “And the New York City skyline Of expensive Chanel suits” created a strong visual image that offers a fresh perspective from the usual image of bricks and buildings. My favorite line in this poem is, “The truth wears its disguise well.” Suggestion: I would consider omitting the word severely from “severely selective,” I think that line makes its point strongly, yet subtly, without it. Maybe another word choice for “repulsive”?

Review for Christen Chorba for "A Diminishing Season" and "This is Manhattan"

In the poem "This is Manhattan", I liked the way the first stanza is written. I love how you introduce each sentence in the first stanza with "This is..." I really liked that and it gave the poem personality. In the second stanza I like dhow you told the reality of Manhattan. I love the lines " Where the streets soak up the sent of urine and cigarettes" and "The truth wears its disguise well..." one thing that I thought might be cool would be to keep the flow going when u had in the first stanza "this is" I think that would be cool. Maybe u did it on purpose though. In the poem “A Diminishing Season", I love how you describe the season I love the most actually. It’s so true that when the fist snow fall falls, it’s beautiful! I mean it’s really breath taking to see the sight. And when humans interrupt nature like always, it gets all messed up and becomes ugly. I like the final line, “I can’t help but to think during the destruction of this season that it was never the winter I didn’t favor, but our desire to subdue its beauty.” To subdue means to control or tame. I really like this poem. I also like how at the end you change your feelings for this season and realize that it’s what the people make of this quiet but alive season and that is what you do not like.

review 5: Christen Chorba

These are some very nice pieces, first of all. In each, you conjure a scene with specfic images we can visualize; images in This is Manhatan like "Where cabs line the sidewalks at/ Bistros and/ Boutiques", "Chanel suits/ And sleek black town cars", and in A Diminishing Season, "orange flashing lights on oversized trucks...dumping chemical concoctions", "massive blackened heaps", "icicles hanging from car bumpers". These are good details and you use them well, with purpose. Alliteration can be very nice but I ask myself when I'm tempted to do that- are they the right words in meaning? And, do they deserve emphasis? In This is Manhattan, I think Bistros and Boutiques is nice but I'm not sure about Cold and Callous. I like "severely selective" but not as a broad statement. You've done such a good job describing the scene here, I think you could let the reader draw these conclusions without giving the meaning outright. For instance, if you took out
"importance and significance", "busy", "reality", "repulsive", "exhausted and underpaid", "life", "cold, callous", "severely selective", and expanded your descriptions to communicate these ideas, we would feel them more strongly.
In A Diminishing Season, some of the phrasing can be streamlined a bit more, the intro lines for example. Again, by deepening the descriptions, you could create the contrast of snow against plow without saying "unsightly", "harsh", "serenity", or "purity". Since you're good at creating atmosphere, it should be easy for you to imply everything you want to say in your images.

Martin O'malley campaign

I am looking for volunteers to wave O'malley signs on a street corner in the Timonium area either this Saturday or next. Signs and t-shirts will be provided by the O'malley camp. Anyone interested can e-mail me at iseenjohanna@aol.com Thanks!
(If you need to register to vote or are unsure of your polling place you can go to canivote.org)

Carr's review of Felicia's poems 10/03

To: Felicia
From: Carr

Re: “Bright Red” and “Thank You”

Felicia:

First let’s talk about “Bright Red,” a poem with the potential for vivid imagery and a heavy effect. Right now you’ve got one very good image: “the silver slit of fear in her eyes.” I like that a lot. And with this subject matter, strive to include more of those kinds of images – fresh and powerful. Try not to rely on the cliché: “drops like tears”; “gash of pain.” Look for things that are real.
All right. As for the overall effect of your poem, I think it would be stronger if you could ground your poem more strongly in the concrete. Right now the scene is unclear to me. You start with gashes on legs – accident? – and close with gashes on wrists – suicide. I’m not sure that I make the connection, or was ready for the final image. So I suggest you spend some time setting us up for that – primarily by getting more specific and real with your images. If you do that, I think the lines, “Who can help you now?” will really work.
On a line level, I think your poem would be more coherent and cogent if you stuck with a neutral, third person POV. The addition of “If you look hard enough…” in line three has the effect of taking us out of the narrative and causes confusion in the “Who” lines. So I suggest you come out of second POV in line three and maybe even put the Who lines in italics to indicate thought. Try it and see.

OK. I like the idea behind “Thank You” a lot. I like to call this technique a mistaken impression. The reader expects you to thank this person for something positive, and thus when it turns out that you are thanking him for many negative things, that serves your purposes well. It helps to jar the reader into a keener attention to the poem. That’s good. You might even consider drawing out the effect at the beginning. This poem could use more length and substance in general, and that might be a good place to start, by opening the poem with some ambiguous images – images that are neither negative or positive. This would heighten the sense of irony when it becomes clear that he has done you wrong. Think about it.
On a line level, I suggest two things: first, as always, intensify your images by becoming more concrete and specific. There’s no need to rely on single words. Try to give us images instead. Second, use your pattern to its full advantage. For example, after the second “Thank you” you have the line, “For not being there…” That’s good. So keep going. Give us a few more “For …” lines. Then you could have a whole other section to capture your last few ideas. See what I mean? Play with it and let me know if you have questions.

Review For Felicia

In the poem “Bright Red”, I love how you talk about suicide and what a person thinks about when they are about to do it or what they might think about while in the process. I love how you put the great simile of "The blood drops like the tears from her eyes." this shows that she is crying and how the tears fall, so does the blood. I really liked that! In the poem "Thank You" I really enjoyed reading! I love how you tackle bad relationships. I love the line,”Every time you told me I was worthless, I found out I was priceless" by this line it shows that this person has found there true self and there happy in the place that there in now.

Review for Felicia

The topics that you chose here are very deep and hit you in the heart. In Bright Red:
"The blood drops like the tears from her eyes.
If you look hard enough you can see the silver slit of fear in her eyes."

I love the descriptive details here.

I think that Thank You, describes a wonderful way to turn such a negative relationship, into positive qualities. I really like:
"Every time you told me I was worthless,
I found out I was priceless"

I like the use of these two words in comparision to one another.

In terms of what to do to improve the poems, i think that you have just touched the surface of the severity of the two topics. Try adding more depth to each "story". The reader can definately see the picture you're creating, but try making them really feel it.

Review for Felicia

Bright Red:
I highly enjoy poems of taboo topics, they make for an interesting read. You consistantly use such strong words to convey the issue very well. Color for one is always most striking to me.
"The blood drops like the tears from her eyes." great similie. Here are a few questions that the poem left me with: Why was it such a bad day? What out of this bad day lead to the cutting, as opposed to other days? Who is the secret being kept from, and why?

Thank You:
The emotion in Thank You is great, the feeling of empowerment as opposed to a total woe is me take is GREAT, and I think should be explored more. "Every time you told me I was worthless,
I found out I was priceless.", really spoke to me, I think anyone could take this line and apply it somewhere in life, I think relatability is a difficult task to meet. When did you need the person the most? Give solid real examples of thier faults that eventually lead you to realize how great you are.

Review: Bright Red and Thank You

Review: Bright Red and Thank You
Right away, I liked the image evoked by the title of Bright Red, and the title Thank You caught my attention, too; “Thank You for what?”
I was bummed out before I read Bright Red and felt worse after I read it, “It’s been a bad day,” so this poem was successful in eliciting an emotional response from this reader. The sarcasm in Thank You created a tone that changed victim to victor. These poems are pithy, despite their terseness. More words do not always = more meaning and you don’t always need to see the body to know that someone died.
One suggestion: Point of view, “Who can help you now” to “Who can help her now?”

Bright Red and Thank You

I like that you chose topics regarding suicide and a bad relationship. Not that either one is a good thing, but they are great topics to write about because they can evoke so much emotion. In "Bright Red" you talk about a woman who has been cutting herself and eventually slits her own wrist. I wanted to know a lot of things at the end, like why was she cutting and for how long? I feel that you could have added more description because I didn't feel enough emotion in what I feel would be an emotionally draining experience. In your poem "Thank You" felt kind of empowered after I read it. Many people experience these "one sided" relationships in their life and I think that is what you were expressing here. I don't know if this poem is directly about you and an ex, but it is relatable nonetheless. I like that you titled it "Thank You" because it really is about self realization. I have been in a relationship like this before and I really connected when I read this. As I had mentioned about your last poem, I think you could have added a little more detail and description, because although it is clear what the subject is, it is lacking the emotional depth I would expect.