Review for Christen Chorba

To: Christen
From: Carr

Re: “A Diminishing Season” and “This is Manhattan”

Christen,

I really like some of the sentiments you have to close your poems – particularly here in “A Diminishing Season” (The “Hamster” poem is another one like this). Why I like them, I think, is because you show us a journey of self-discovery in your poems. In this case, you are writing an ode to winter – your least favorite season. Along the way you present us with images that you draw up from you memory. Then you roll the images around, watch them change and progress, until finally you realize that you maybe felt a little different about the subject than you realized at first. I think that’s great stuff for poetry.

And some of the images here are good. I think your choice of the parking lot is a good one. To me it is a good representation of the stasis of winter. I also like the idea of the sky and ground “impersonating” one another, and the “chemical concoctions” spilling from the trucks. Those are good.

So where I suggest you concentrate your efforts here are in the honing of your words and images. It’s as if you need to take the finer grit sandpaper to this piece and give it a polishing. Word Choice is one area in particular to focus on: substantial in size; casing; impersonate; by (line 11); neighboring streets; massive blackened heaps; paved. Those are all words I would look at again.
I also suggest that you try to ground us in your world more. One way to do that is to explain why you chose the parking lot. What does it mean to you? Why are you there looking at it? What do you do there? These are all questions that could be answered in modifiers or single lines, but that would really help the reader see your world.

OK. I also like the idea of “This is Manhattan” a lot. Poems about cities and NYC in particular have so much potential for real life – including the beauty of the grit. So I think that’s what this poem needs more of – more life. One way to do that is to strive for a more first-hand feel. Most of your images here now are kind of stereotypical, the kinds of things we’ve all seen in movies. But your poetry tends to address real life, Christen, so make it do that here. That’s what readers respond to.
So my suggestion is to go back to New York and look around. Take your notebook with you and look for the real details. Listen to the way people talk. Watch what they do, how they act. Smell the air. Taste the food. All those things. And you might also be specific about location. Manhattan is a big place with many characters.

All right. Your poetry shows some good effort and insight, Christen. Keep working on the polishing, the revision. That’s what it’s all about. Getting us to see your real life.
Good luck.

CK