Carr's review of Felicia's poems 10/03

To: Felicia
From: Carr

Re: “Bright Red” and “Thank You”

Felicia:

First let’s talk about “Bright Red,” a poem with the potential for vivid imagery and a heavy effect. Right now you’ve got one very good image: “the silver slit of fear in her eyes.” I like that a lot. And with this subject matter, strive to include more of those kinds of images – fresh and powerful. Try not to rely on the cliché: “drops like tears”; “gash of pain.” Look for things that are real.
All right. As for the overall effect of your poem, I think it would be stronger if you could ground your poem more strongly in the concrete. Right now the scene is unclear to me. You start with gashes on legs – accident? – and close with gashes on wrists – suicide. I’m not sure that I make the connection, or was ready for the final image. So I suggest you spend some time setting us up for that – primarily by getting more specific and real with your images. If you do that, I think the lines, “Who can help you now?” will really work.
On a line level, I think your poem would be more coherent and cogent if you stuck with a neutral, third person POV. The addition of “If you look hard enough…” in line three has the effect of taking us out of the narrative and causes confusion in the “Who” lines. So I suggest you come out of second POV in line three and maybe even put the Who lines in italics to indicate thought. Try it and see.

OK. I like the idea behind “Thank You” a lot. I like to call this technique a mistaken impression. The reader expects you to thank this person for something positive, and thus when it turns out that you are thanking him for many negative things, that serves your purposes well. It helps to jar the reader into a keener attention to the poem. That’s good. You might even consider drawing out the effect at the beginning. This poem could use more length and substance in general, and that might be a good place to start, by opening the poem with some ambiguous images – images that are neither negative or positive. This would heighten the sense of irony when it becomes clear that he has done you wrong. Think about it.
On a line level, I suggest two things: first, as always, intensify your images by becoming more concrete and specific. There’s no need to rely on single words. Try to give us images instead. Second, use your pattern to its full advantage. For example, after the second “Thank you” you have the line, “For not being there…” That’s good. So keep going. Give us a few more “For …” lines. Then you could have a whole other section to capture your last few ideas. See what I mean? Play with it and let me know if you have questions.