Carr's Review of Jessica's poems 9/26

To: Jessica
From: Carr

Re: “Inmate 323214” and “Complete Me”

Jessica,

Great topic for a poem, and I really like the title and how you use it here: 323214. That works very well (try spelling it out and see how that looks. It might be kinda cool). I also think you close the poem well – that’s the first indication that this is coming from the inmate’s spouse or significant other, an important piece of info.
So, where to go from here? Well, I think the poem would be stronger if we were more firmly grounded in one point of view (POV). Right now you switch back and forth from “you” to “me”, a shift that is more confusing than anything at the moment. So try to ground this in the first person, but the first person of 323214’s other. That would work well. And by doing that I think you would enable yourself to include more real details, all those little things that the reader will be able to relate to, and that will make us feel this as truth. Strive to take your poem out of the abstract and move it squarely into the concrete – just like you do with the title.

OK. “Complete Me.” Here you’re writing a nice poem to God, but keeping His identity hidden from us almost until the end – there’s a hint in the line with “Word”, but it’s subtle enough that the reader might overlook it, especially if you take away the capital W (try that and see what it looks like). I also like the pattern established at the beginning: the longer odd lines followed by short even ones. I suggest you keep that pattern through more of the poem. Establish it more in the reader’s mind, so that when you do break it, it will be more noticeable and jarring in effect.
At the same time, I’m going to recommend again that you ground down more firmly in the real. Make this a poem that comes from you, from your own situation. Try to keep it out of the generic. For that’s when we really start to connect – ironic, isn’t it? That we connect when the author is talking only about herself – instead of the other way around.
Think about it and see what you come up with.
OK. Good luck and see me with questions.

CK