Carr's Review of Trenise's poems 9/26

To: Trenise
From: Carr Kizzier
Re: “Ode to Shelby” and “My furry”

Trenise:

I like the idea of your poem, “Ode to Shelby.” One of the things I like about it is the tone. Right from the title, the poem has a very pastoral feel to it, which is a nice irony considering the subject is the opposite of pastoral. There are some good lines here, too: “You leek (sic) oil and fluids”; You’re more in the shop then (sic) going by”. I also think the line “Or shall I seel your ass” works well. It breaks the tone, which is nice, because it gives us a sense that you are really forcing yourself to maintain this calm demeanor throughout. And you slip back into calm after that one line. Good.
So think about a few things. First, it might be interesting to actually make your ode to Carolo Shelby. Do some research and see what he was like. See if that fits in with your mission here. Second, the closing lines are kind of weak for the poem. Look for something stronger – not necessarily more powerful, just stronger. And you really have to watch your spelling and word choice. There are a number of instances where you use the wrong word. Remember that poets are all about WORDS. Work on that.
OK. On to “My furry.” This poem stays much more in the realm of the abstract, and even borders on the cliché – I mean, you use so many of them here that it is hard to really see what you are driving at. The idea of using clichés to make your point can be done, but the tone has to be spot on, and your isn’t right now. So my suggestion here, Trenise, is to write this poem with real feelings and emotions. Try to give us real things that we can see and smell and touch. Try to convey your real pain and anger. And again, is the title meant to be fury? That seems like it would make more sense, but I’m unsure.
All right. You’ve got some material to work with here. Good luck and se me with questions.

CK