Carr's Review of Derek's poems 10-31

To: Derek
From: Carr
Re: “A Farewell” and “An Irish Saturday Night Drinking Song”

Derek,
You’ve got a good subject for poetry in your piece, “A Farewell.” And the idea of being on an acid trip in DC for this goodbye is even better. That scenario opens up all sorts of questions and possibilities in the reader’s mind. Good.
At the same time, I’m not sure that you’re capturing the essence of the day –mainly because the poem lacks a FRAME for taking us through the farewell. Is this important? To me it is, for in the end you want the reader to sense the disorientation and bizarre nature of the day. We’re not going to get that if we’re confused. That may sound contradictory, but I think it’s true. Even – and maybe especially – when you want to convey a surreal scene, it’s important to give the reader a sense of grounded-ness. So, consider using the day in DC as the FRAME. Maybe you could even give us some background and context: why is she leaving? Why did you decide to trip? Ground us more in the real to heighten the surreal. Then take us through the day, using the imagery and symbolism and metaphor of the DC scene, of the places (DC is, after all, a city of monuments to loss. Exploit that for all it’s worth). And if I had to say one thing to you this semester, Derek, it would be to try and incorporate more metaphor, more myth into your poetry. Start reading some of the old classics. Go back to the Greeks and see what you can use for your own poetry. To see a great example in a novel, read The Minotaur Takes a Cigarette Break by Steven Sherrill.
OK. Mechanically, you rely on adjectives and adverbs here: “devouring hair”; “lovingly”; “incandescently, strikingly, unnaturally gorgeous”; “ageless beauty.” Work on weeding those from your work, in favor of strong verbs and nouns top convey the same ideas (like “Your hair devours my fingers as I squeeze your skull.”)

All right. “An Irish Saturday Night Drinking Song.” I like the idea of a drinking song as a poem, and I think several of your verses work well in that vein – particularly numbers two, three, and eight. What I also like is the overall theme: the way women do men wrong – or the ways men and women miscommunicate. That seems appropriate for a song about the boys getting together for a drunk on Saturday night.
OK. I have two main comments here. The first has to do with verse 4 – Monk’s dad’s verse. I like that one, but right now it doesn’t fit with the rest of the song. It’s about death and grieving. So why not make it fit. Try to relate Monk’s dad somehow to the ladies – it will be easy and probably even fun to do. You could comment on the looks of the corpse, the way the women were acting at the funeral – the possibilities are enormous.
My second comment has to do with word choice, and ways to make this seem more “Irish.” Look again at words like “lass,” “shit-faced,” and “slut” (you made a good choice with “whore”, which the Irish pronounce like hoo-er). You might even look for a book of Irish slang to help you along there. Some of the Irish expressions are pretty cool, and would be good fodder for poems.

All right. There’s some good material to work with here, Derek. See me with questions.
Carr