review 6: April Meehan and Erin Wilson

April:
This piece works well in so many ways I don't know where to start. The observations like "We grew up learning to be grateful for his presence", and "the United States Marine Corp, 'OORah!' had used him up, squeezed him dry and ditched him like an empty tube of toothpaste", and belting out curse words "like other kids, normal kids, with normal fathers, would sing rounds of Row,Row,Row Your Boat"... there are so many examples, all well chosen and well placed in the narrative. In The Wonder Boys (have you seen it? good writer's movie) it's said that fiction is all about making choices. I think you've made good choices here, including just the information that we need to imagine the larger picture, or what's below the surface to use the metaphor from class. Criticisms... this is hard. You could tighten phrasing here and there. I assumed that the gunshot at the end was his suicide but it's a little unclear. I don't think it should be too obvious but there are ways of saying it without saying it. I think that's the meaning in "We are still waiting. Amputees experience phantom pain where their missing limb used to be...", but I don't think it would hurt to add another clue somewhere, maybe even earlier in the story, foreshadowing. Also, I almost forgot, you are very good with voice, as we've seen in your other pieces, and you've done it again! I hope you will keep writing when the semester's over.

Erin:
"Prematurely Picked" gave me chills. I know that's cliche but too bad. There is a lot of potential in the flower metaphor. Sex, for example. At least Georgia O'Keeffe thought so. I like your opening line but (you know what I'm going to say next) I think the poem would be better served by images in the lines that follow "I am taken/ I am quiet/ I am reserved". You already peaked my interest with your opener, how and why is a married hibiscus shy? What does marriage mean here? A type of restraint? I was hoping for more information. Also, it might help to contrast images of restraint against vivid imagery of the liberated hibiscus in all it's glory. This is the fun part, describing the ultimate sex symbol.
"The Night Life" has a good central story. I especially like the twist in characterization, celebrity in the beginning and shame at the end. You might extend the illusion longer before hitting us with the reality. I think you could cut out the moral at the end too, let the scene speak for itself. The shoes are a good detail, "my open toed shoes the next morning/ covered in mud", "my heels digging deeper and deeper/ into the earth,/ as if to say,/ stay here". It might be nice to describe them earlier, maybe they're new, maybe you got them especially for this night and they make you feel glamorous. Extend the metaphor.