The Anti-Valentines Day Story by Felicia

This story is about two girlfriends who decide to go out and party on Valentine's Day.
Since they don't have dates; hence, the title, "Anti-Valentines Day" comes into play.
Melissa and Sarah seem to enjoy themselves that night.

For me, the story seemed to roll along smoothly. I mean, the many scenes were
in proper order. Thought was given to the story so that the night progressed
in a natural way. I liked the last line of the story.

Carr's Review of Matt's Poems 3/27

Matt,

In each of these poems I think you are striving for something that I like very much: you are trying to show us in images the feeling or emotion captured by a particular scene or incident. That’s good. And in each of these poems there is an image that stands out for me. In “Slip Away” the image comes at the very end of the poem: “Churning in the bitter dark.” That line is powerful – primarily because of the choice of churning there. That works very well. It calls up a very vivid and specific action. In “Untitled” the image also comes at the end of the poem: “I am/ Main lining/ On dreams.” Again, that’s an image that really works for me. It conjures up a wonderfully vivid scene.

So my advice here is to concentrate on those images more. You might want to bring them in earlier to your poem, and then let them be reflected in the entire poem. Try to let them be the controlling images of your work. For example, you might even start “Untitled” with those lines. Then from there you could proceed to actually show us how you mainline your dreams. (If you haven’t seen any of Michel Gondry’s films, you might check those out. He’s someone who mainlines dreams, I think. Definitely check out Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and The Science of Sleep).
OK. For “Slip Away” my advice is both similar and different. Similar in that I recommend you make the churning more prominent. Different in that I think that should still remain near the end. But in this poem I would suggest that you be a little more straightforward with the details of the scenario. I like lines like “I recall you fingertips weaving in and out of me” and “Traction in the city drew me towards this fate”; but I’m not quite clear about what happened, and I think a clearer narrative would make this work better for me. So work on using those good images, but making them work with a more coherent narrative.

All right. There’s definitely some good potential here, Matt. Keep mining and mainlining those dreams.

CK

Carr's Review of Jessica's Poems 3/27

Jessica,

I like the themes of both your poems here, “Entangled” and “Façade.” Both poems to me seem to be about being trapped – and not by outside forces, but by some personal choice that the poet/narrator makes. I see this in “Façade” in lines like, “I am sick of this game,/ I play with myself.” And in “Entangled in the lines “Now trapped,/ in a web you have created.” I like that, because it shows a willingness to look inside – something that the best poems do, I think.
OK. So now let’s focus on maximizing the return here,. I think both of these poems would benefit from more showing. Look at the opening of “Façade.” In those lines you are showing action: “throw my heels”, “wipe off all the makeup”, “let my hair down.” Good. But after that you start to tell more than show. So think about this – try to say those things you are saying in the poem – like “I am tired” or “I am sick of this game” without saying those lines. Instead try to show us images that will leave us with the impression that you are tired. I highly suggest you write this poem as an anecdote or in narrative form. I think you’ll come closer to approaching truth there than you are now.
OK. “Entangled” has the same kind of showing issue, but I think a bigger issue here right now might be the lack of grounding in a firm point of view. Right now you have two POVs: the “you” of the spider and the “I” of the spider. That’s confusing. So what I suggest you do is place yourself in a first person POV and watch the spider weave her doom. Observe it closely, for what you are really watching is yourself weaving your demise. How will we know that? Well, we’ll get it at the end, because after you’ve watched the spider, you’ll show us some action that you take. It will probably be small, but it will tip us off that you were really watching yourself. But again, don’t tell us that – just show us the action and let us figure it out.
All right. You’ve got some good material to work with here. Go for it and see me with questions.

CK

Facade

after reading this i thought of my self. when i'm with differnt groups of people i act differnly never really being myself, never really being (Mike R.) the part i liked was "Wipe off all of the make-up,

That hides my face," like removing the mask that hides your true self. to just stop caring what other people think and just be yourself.

Entangled

when i first read this i though of a spider. "The strings you have sewn" stood out to me. then i though about for a minute. Maybe she was talking about a lie. a lie thats gotten so out of control your trapped in, then at the end "you decide to cut the strings in two" might mean they told another lie to cover up the other on. all and all this on really made me stop and think i liked it.

Jessica's Poems

Facade

Again, you could call this my background as a teenage feminist, but to me this reads as a cry against the expectation that 'men act and women appear.' That is to say, for women appearance is of the utmost importance, and therefore we have to appear perfect -- a woman is expected to wear makeup, to appear other than she really is. So to me, this is a compelling subject. And I really enjoy the concrete examples in the first stanza of the poem, solid paraphernalia of this phenomenon. It is the second stanza where you lose me a little bit, where you come right out and say what I would prefer you describe and portray. I think it is in these images of girly accoutrement that your poem really thrives, and it makes your point soundly -- I do not think you need to come out and say you're tired and drained. What about some examples of being tired and drained -- you falter in your heels, your makeup runs after wearing it all day? I think this is a great concept for a poem and I think you could develop it a little bit more.


Entangled

I enjoy 'the strings you have sewn/ are too far grown/ to unwrap.' Good image, I like the way it rhymes. I like this metaphor, this puppetmaster metaphor for the whole poem, but I'd like to see it taken way further, like this is only the barest sketch for your poem. What sort of movements does he expect you in, what sort of movements are so unrealistic that you become tangled beyond redepemption? What about a few lines about after you are free? What does it feel like to be puppeteered, or to hang there limply when neither of you can control your body? What does his enormous body look like looming over you? Are you on a stage? Who are you performing for? His friends? Flesh it out. Explore the full spectrum of girlfriend-as-marionette (girlfriend?). It's a good idea, run with it.

Review for Jessica:

Facade:

I really loved the theme of this poem. Nothing bothers me more than the standards we have set in this society for what is supposedly 'beautiful.' When you say "I want to throw my heels" I can picture it in my head. You've had enough, and it comes through loud and clear. It's evident that you are digging deeper within yourself, and realizing the want for the world to see you as you are, without high heels and make up. The one thing I would like to see is maybe even more angst and detail. Force people to have no choice but to hear what you have to say. Really throw it in their face. Great poem.

Entangled:

One thing I have noticed about your poetry is how to the point you are. I enjoy that you are able to convey your feelings without pages upon pages of filler, but in this case I think you could have explored the situation a little more. I like the whole marionette idea. Trapped and helpless. Only able to function under the commands of another. I Sense a sadness for the situation, yet maybe some subtle relief at the end. It's hard to cut the strings, but you know it must be done, and this gives the poem power. I find myself wanting to know what happens next. After the strings have been cut.

Matt's poems

Slip Away

My guess is this poem is about a tense stage at the end of a relationship, and then the end of it, when the addressed in the poem 'slips away.'

'Silence was the answer to the questions we sustained,' to me suggests a tense stage at the end of the relationship when the end seems nigh and yet at least one of the participants is unwilling to accept it -- if I'm right, I think that's a good way to describe it. 'In me something sparkled as some form of bliss,' is a vivid way to describe what bliss feels like inside. 'Churning,' is a good word choice, it's very suggestive as well, for some reason to me almost onomatopoeic. I also like the idea of 'traction' drawing you towards something -- but what 'fate'? Breaking up with this person? There's a lot of good elements in this poem, but I really object to the 'all alone. all alone. all alone' at the end. If something is 'churning in the dark' like the repeated pistons of machinery repeating 'all alone, all alone,' like it really is onomatopoeic, and it doesn't just stand alone. But by itself, it's a teensy trite.


Untitled

Someone is profoundly unhappy. Possibly from a dream deferred.

I read the second stanza a little wrong, so to say 'When you cannot pin the culprit/All the world has bloody hands.' I still like that, even if I read it wrong. And I do like the concept of mainlining on dreams. What if you took that concept and made that metaphor the whole poem? As it stands, the poem's a little sparse, but the idea of injecting hope into your bloodstream is, to me, compelling, and you mention the cravings here. A desperate addiction to dreams? That's something substantial, something I can grasp, and less abstract than the first two stanzas of your poem.

To: Jessica

From: Heather

The first poem, Façade, reminded me of the line “Around you I am me” or something like that from the exercise we had to do one night for homework. Actually, I think that line came from one of your poems. I see a pattern developing. I’m not a fan of rhyming, but besides that your poems were enjoyable, short, and moderately concise. I think it would be interesting to write a poem in third person as opposed to first person, just a suggestion.

To: Matt

From: Heather

I liked these two poems, minus the rhyming, because the second one seemed to be a continuation of the first one, like they were written to be a pair or complement each other. Maybe they were…I don’t know. You use a lot of visual language and it is your use of words in general that makes your work a true pleasure to read. It interests me and I feel a lot of where I think you might be coming from with these. I am not a fan of rhyming, but I did not allow my distaste for words that sound like each other to take away from everything else. Well done, I say. Well done.

Untitled

To: Matt Forster
From: Jessica
Re: Untitled

This poem seems to be a continuation of slip away. Basically talks about how the heart has been chattered but who is really to blame. I really sense a great deal of emotion trying to come through from this poem. It's as if you are at a loss of words. I enjoyed the lines, "my heart shatters, glass stained of longing, nestled in an ivory cage." The only suggestions I would have would be to elaborate on what it is you crave.

Slip Away

To: Matt Forster
From: Jessica
Re: Slip Away

I really liked this poem. My favorite line was: I remember silhouettes in shades of darkened grays. Honestly I really liked the openening stanza and the fourth one as well. Overall I get a sense of longing and regret. As if you let this person slip through your fingers. It seems by the last stanza that your heart was broken by this person. However in earlier lines it's as if you had done the breaking. Perhaps by pushing away it broke her heart and then she pushed you away. That is basically what I read from this poem. Overall very well written. My favorite so far.

"Slip Away" by Matt

The poem deals with a personal relationship. These two people
loose each other in the end of the poem. As the poet looks back on
someone's relationship, a poem is formed.
I enjoyed reading "Slip Away". Two lines that stood out for me
were: "Silence was the answer to questions we sustained." " Suddenly
the shadow burst into the light of day." and also "I tried to find my
way inside to give your eyes a compromise."But you slipped away."
The poet gave thought to the poem before writing and it was well
executed. To me, it was a good topic to write a poem because we
all have a bad relationship in our lives at some time or other. The
activity and movements listed gave the poem a realistic feel.

Eye of the Dragon

To: Wynter Hall
From: Jessica
Re: Eye of the Dragon

Brief Description:

This was a story about a dragon slayer by the name of Alexander. He and his men were called upon to rid of a dragon in an English Village. There were three men killed and one fled named Matthew. He was the only man left alive. Alexander eventually found his way into a dragons cave. Within this cave lye a female named Vahira. She began to speak with him. She asked him questions about what all of the noise was about and pressed to find out information.Eventually the reader is informed of the existence of a son named Dreihl who was believed to be murdered. This dragon finds his way back to the cave and is unaware of the fact this other dragon is its mother. He begin to tear off a few of his mothers scales. Vahira begins to grow mad and goes after Matthew to teach the human scum a lesson.

Comments/Suggestions:

This story was very enjoyable to read. I really liked the premise and the details. I like the interaction b/w the main character Alex and the dragon. I would like to know a bit more about this character Alex. Where does he live? What happened to the remaining men since the story speaks of 8? I also like the title for the story. I would also describe the warriors a bit more. What made them the finest men?

Carr's Review of Sara's Poems 3/13

Sara:

I like your poem “Not afraid of sharks” a lot. First, I love the title. I have a kind of fascination/fear thing with sharks, so the title jumps right out at me. I’m also a big fan of narrative in poetry, so your angle here works for me very well. The story with Mohammed is a good one – I particularly like the ways you talk about the “one more last time” with him. That’s where you’re entering the realm of the poet – by coming up with a quirky (in a good way) way to express the emotions that come with relationships that don’t last, or that run their course, or that end prematurely. All those things are expressed to me here in lines like “I was glad not to have forgotten him on a positive note” and “The last time I never saw Mohammed again”, etc.
At the same time, I think you would do well here to slow down a bit, especially in the narrative. Maybe even some reorganization is called for here. At the very least, I think you should allow the narrator to give us a reaction to seeing him again. What does he look like (ie good, bad, different, better, sexier, etc). And then try to give us a clear idea of what happened on that night. Right now your poem is a little too opaque for me – and purposely opaque, which I don’t like so much. It’s fine to make us work, but maybe not so hard that we leave confused. Think about it.

All right. “Night: Starless” strikes me as not as ready as “sharks” although you’ve obviously done quite a bit of work on the rhyme scheme and pattern (I’m sure you’re probably doing something formal here that escapes me. I don’t have enough of a keen eye to recognize it). And that work is evident in lines like “Night; Nip; I am only nubs”; “shapely stump that grows”; and “Oh, bitter/ night, starless in your windless/ bite.” Those all work very well for me.
And I like where you end here. I think the line “I am stumpy on this starless night” is actually pretty funny.
What I don’t get here is the whole stump thing. What exactly is the connection between a starless night and stumpiness? Can you give us a little more of a clue in the poem? (again, maybe not make us work so hard?). Right now I’m stumped (sorry, I couldn’t resist.).
OK. Give these things some thought. Let me know what you’re thinking.
Good luck.
CK

Carr's Review of Jane's story 3/13

Jane,

There are some nice elements here. The lost object that means so much. The fretting that comes with that. Geraldine’s feeling of anxiety for the object. And I like that James surprises her at the end. This has a distinctly old-fashioned feel to it. Good.
So lets work on a few things. First, I recommend that you start with a scene rather than the prologue. In a sense there’s no need to tell us what’s going on beforehand, just show us from the start. Put us there with her.
Second, slow down in your scenes. When Geraldine runs upstairs things get a little dicey. First, the “box” on the shelf turns out to hold a whole slew of costumes – even shoes! That throws us a little. Is it a trunk? If so, how does it fit on the shelf? Next, the transition from being with Cynthia to the present is awkward and confusing. On first read I thought G. had abandoned her five-year-old niece for over an hour. So maybe try to work in the memory after G. is looking in the box.
Finally, I wonder if you wouldn’t be better served by not hiding the fact that what she is looking for is her ring. If you told us she is frantic about that, maybe you could put her in some other scenes where the consequences of that played out more. Try it and see what you think.
OK. So overall, I’d like to se more scenes, Jane. Let the people here interact. It takes some of the pressure off of you as the writer. You can let the characters figure out some of the details. Try it – and see if they don’t start to come alive.
All right. Good luck and let me know if you have any questions.

CK

Carr's Review of Wynter's story 3/13

Wynter,

There are some things working really well here in your story, “Eye of the Dragon.” I like these kinds of stories, and this reminds me of a combination of Beowulf and Dragonslayer (an early 80s flick).
Anyhow, I thought that for the most part the action was rendered very well. Clear, tense. I like the twist of having Dreihl attacking Vahira when he shows up. And then she snaps his neck instead of trying to soothe him. That was good. Must be un-dragon-like to be coddling. Just snap the neck!
All right. There are some things to think about. First, I found the setup a little rough. The demise of the eight is unclear there in the beginning. It seems like the three who were killed instantly were the same three who were smothered by the landslide. Turns out later that those are two different sets of three. That seems like an easy fix. Just make it clear at the beginning.
Also, where Alexander is in terms of the landscape is unclear to me throughout. I was thinking forest, maybe hills on one side, but later he seems to be trapped in a kind of steep crevasse between two cliffs or something. Why this is a big deal is because I was wondering why he didn’t just hightail it out of there when he saw her. She was moving very slow, and it seems like he could have escaped. You might want to work on that aspect. And it’s easy enough to resolve.
Ultimately, though, what I wonder is what the movement is here. How does Alexander change or learn or grow here? Or how does he not change when presented with the chance? I don’t know. He seems to be the same at the end. So ask yourself this? What happens to A on this day that is different? Sure, he meets the dragon – but he’s a dragonslayer, right? Isn’t he used to this? So what happens to Alexander inside? I like that you star the story after the young dragon has been killed. That’s good. So maybe you could show Alexander getting back to the town or something – but in a changed way. Something’s gotta be gnawing at him. Something should have happened. Maybe it was his fault that the other men were killed. Maybe he had to make a sacrifice that we will discover only as he confronts Vahira. Think about it. That might be where your story starts to take off, to become more about Alexander than Vahira.
All right, Wynter. Keep at it. Good luck and let me know if you have questions.

CK

The Anniversary

To: Jane Aughenbaugh
From: Jessica
Re: The Anniversary

Brief Description:

This story is about a woman named Geraldine who spends her time (amount not specified in story) searching for an item (also not specified until then end. The author briefly states James and herself are like two peas in a pod but sometimes fall on hardships. On a summer day Geraldine starts to think of a time when she and Cynthia begin a search for costumes. Later in the story the author finally begins her quest for this unnamed item. Much to Geraldine's dismay, James pulls up and she has not found the item. All of a sudden to her surprise James had found the item and enlarged it for their anniversary (not stated but assumed via title). Geraldine is ecstatic.

Comments/Suggestions:

The author's voice is not very strong in this story. There are certain areas that are in need of more detail. Such as the title "The Anniversary", no where in this story are "we" the readers told of this occurrence. We assume this due to the ending. Also much of the story is devoted to a search for costumes not the ring. Also the search is never specified that it is a ring until the ending. I would also elaborate more about the relationship b/w Geraldine and James. In the 2nd paragraph it states they are peas in a pod and that its obvious to everyone it was true love. Define true love through the eyes of Geraldine. Describe their relationship more and elaborate on this anniversary. I would also describe the main characters personality a bit in this story. This way we will know why she is so worried. Also the time shift is a bit off.

Overall I enjoyed the idea of this story and it does have some great potential. This story could easily be extended a few more pages.

Wynter's Reviews

To Protect

I liked the supernatural elements of the story, and the setting in a medieval time. There seems to be a nice backstory to what goes on in the world that has been created and things seem to fit nicely together. I especially liked the setting in the beginning- the electrical storm seemed to set a nice, dark mood for the rest of the story. The story was even humorous near the end, when Mary dragged Kibin off to become a knight. The format was off, though; punctuation and spelling errors, and the story ends abruptly, leaving more to be desired. But keep up the good work!

Eyes Closed

It’s obvious that the person talked about in the poem is going through some type of turmoil. That leaves me to wonder what exactly he is going through- whether it is emotional or physical pain, and what exactly is causing it. The poem is short, simple, and to-the-point, and even so it implies a lot. I enjoyed reading this poem and I like the simplicity of it, the person’s resolution to simply shut away his problems. It’s bittersweet.

My Yesterday

This poem seems to speak of love lost, and a feeling of longing. The speaker is distressed and wishes that things were the way they were, even to the point of living in the past, ignoring the present, as demonstrated in the line ‘I’ll ignore my today’. The poem is a bit more descriptive than ‘Eyes Closed’, but that works very well for this poem. You know exactly what the speaker misses about her lover [at least it seems to me like a lover, but I guess there could be some other relationship between the two] but there are still some things left to the imagination- why, exactly, the speaker’s lover is no longer with her. Overall a well written poem, not sure there’s anything I would change.

The Intentions of the Unintentional

The first things I noticed about this poem was the format, which immediately interested me and seemed to draw me in. I enjoyed the repetition in the first stanza. The poem seems to be written from one person to a significant other who is no longer with him/her. The speaker seems nostalgic- but I can’t tell the mood exactly, whether it is neutral or sad. Still, there are some interesting lines, such as ‘That’s jazz, jazz, jazz, dig?’ and ‘I was crying last night, baby, sleeping with your shadow…” All in all, I enjoyed this poem. It really seems to shine when it is read aloud, allowing the rhythm to be heard.

Mankaure and Khamerernebty

Once again the format of the poem was interesting. Unlike ‘Intentions’, this poem seemed much more clear on the mood, which seemed to me to be melancholy. I especially liked the line ‘I am no more a woman than a photograph’, the analogy is interesting and the imagery in the poem is wonderful. I enjoyed reading it, though I only really understood it after it was researched a bit. Still a good one!

The Anti Utopian Experience

The poem is well written; the first two lines seem to communicate directly with the reader, makes the speaker seem like a teacher of sorts. I also liked the dual meaning of the lines ‘You will need a helmet to protect your delicate – bones are crushing under my words’. With that said, I wasn’t quite sure what the poem was exactly about- it suggests oppression, words of warning to whoever will listen. It seems like the speaker is trying to teach someone a valuable lesson.

Madman’s Lullaby

Just the title of the poem was enough to draw me in. The mood is oppressive, and suggests a rebellious nature as well. It seems like the speaker is willing to play along with the game in the beginning, to rebel, but near the end of the poem it seems like the speaker’s losing the will or the means to continue fighting (‘I could never unrest my soul, but if I was able to unclench my fist I would dig myself out of the hole). I like the imagery of the sheep, it goes well with the theme- the lullaby, the insomnia.

I Think the ‘Run Like Hell’ was Implied

When I read the first sentence I had to go back and read it again to make sure I had actually seen ‘Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’. ..Totally did. For a while I was left wondering exactly where that came from, anticipating figuring out exactly who these Marshmallow men were, imagining that evil mascot in Ghostbusters. The story was humorous in some instances, and the violence near the end of the story wasn’t exactly expected. Then again, I really didn’t know /what/ to expect at the end of the story- but that made the story that much more enjoyable to read. Surprises are nice. Still, I did wonder who exactly Dolan was and where he came from- and moreover, where the mice came from. The odd relationship between Mill/nnie was interesting- Mill/nnie was the one who talked Karl into robbing the place, and she’s a lot older than him- she seemed to be the one in charge. Was she just using Karl to get her fix? Still, the open ending was nice. Wonder just what’ll happen to poor old Mike.

Surrender

The poem is very descriptive about the speaker’s feelings toward her lover, and you know exactly what she’s going through when she’s around him (‘You send chills down my spine’). It is very clear on the fact that she loves him. The first two lines seem to imply that the speaker likes to play hard-to-get, or is in some way sly with her lover, but is nonetheless comforted by his presence. The line ‘Around you, I am me, Free’ speaks volumes about the speaker’s feelings. Well done!

Obscure

Obscure indeed! I wondered exactly what was the relationship between the speaker and who he/she is speaking to- what has happened between them to make the speaker have to bare his/her soul? It’s the simplicity, and the questions left unanswered, that make the poem more appealing in my opinion.

Horizon Bound

There were several lines and phrases that caught my eye in this poem: I enjoyed the first two lines, they seemed to flow so nicely. The mood of the poem seems to me to be one of desperation, since the speaker is fleeing from what she knew and chasing the sun. Aside from the first two lines, I loved the phrase ‘pirate eyes’, it was also a favorite of mine; there’s a feeling of release, of escape, chasing an uncertain future where she may or may not ever achieve happiness.

When He Stops the Tears

The poem starts off a bit depressing, but becomes much more uplifting once the speaker’s lover comes to sweep her off her feet. I sort of wonder about how fast the poem is moving, and what her lover’s intentions are; whether what she is telling us is real or what she just thinks is happening. I feel like the guy is sort of moving in for the kill- but then again, maybe that’s just the passion in the relationship between the two of them. In any case it was descriptive, especially with the intimacy between the two of them; you were very descriptive about that.

Flight

I enjoyed reading this story, especially the ending. The introduction of the characters was clever- describing Frederich as a pale ‘wilted aloe plant’, and Josephine with her avian qualities- the hook nose and the dark, sharp eyes. Even when you described them like this I didn’t suspect what they turned out to be later in the story. The relationship between the two of them was interesting, and I’m glad the two characters found one another, and that Frederich finally convinced Josephine to fly- their little gift-giving ritual was very sweet. It’s sad that Josephine just let them wither like she did- the story speaks a lot about what working in an office can really be like. Josephine’s nonchalance was intriguing, even right up to the end, with her last line of dialogue. I like to think she was really able to fly.

Trees

The second and third lines gave me images of specific trees- ‘arms reaching to heaven’ of an oak tree, and ‘heads bowed in prayer’ of a weeping willow. The poem has wonderful imagery and I enjoy the personification of the trees and the seasons; without the title, the poem could almost seem as though it were speaking about people instead, of course when the poem speaks about fall and mentions leaves, you know what is being written about. I also like the flow of the last line, and the line ‘Nevertheless confined to give, not take’ reminds me of the story ‘The Giving Tree’, and seems so true about trees.

Love is a Season

Used again here, the personification of seasons works very well, and they work to describe the speaker and her lover very well. Too bad the beginning line speaks of winter as a bad thing! The poem is also very short, but it works, everything works! This is a sweet love poem and speaks constantly about nature- the seasons, ‘blossoming love’, summer wheat, the breeze- I loved that about the poem. Nice!

Review for Wynter:

"Eye of the Dragon"

When i first started reading, the first thing i noticed was the time you spent on detail, which is appreciated. I could tell you had really taken the time to think about the fine details that some might overlook. When Vahira spoke, it came as a surprise to me, and i was glad that you had decided to give the story more depth than a typical dragon slaying scenario. I love that you really gave the dragon character. Made the reader sympathize with her in some instances. She was more than just some giant, threatening beast. She had her own thoughts and feelings which added to the story very nicely. The only thing i was unsure about was the ending. It seemed a little rushed maybe. A little predictable. I would have liked to see Vahira maybe capture Alexander and at least torture him a little. It seemed to end too fast. Overall i really enjoyed this though. Some great word usage. Good structure. Everything came together very neatly.

Eye of the Dragon by Wynter

The story revolves around trying to get the Dragon or reptilian beast- Vahira.
Alexander and his son are the main characters along with Vahira.
The story starts out by trying to kill the dragon and in the end he is
still going after him. Alexander loses his son, Dreihl, in this ordeal.

There is very much physical activity described in this story; as well as,
descriptions. I admire the length of your paper. Every page I read, I couldn't
help but feel someone would get killed by the dragon.

Night:Starless by Sara

This poem is about a lady who starts thinking about herself on a cold bitter
windless night. Apparently, she doesn't have an arm, when she states:
"Oh, give me arm! so I may be creature fair as she who has more limbs
than me." Whoa! and also, "My very stumpliness the mirror of this
blissless night." She realizes this is her life and the way it must be.
"Allow to me, to be, a solid stone, limbless as I be. For care not I -
behind this common hump."

Sara,
I think you took a delicate state of affairs and made it into
a lovely poem. Your expressions of words made the poem
gentle and vidid.

Reviews for Sarah:

"Night: Starless"

I really enjoy reading your poetry. I find the word usage particularly alluring. Words such as "Night, Nip, Nubs." These are words you wont find in many poems. it gives your writing a unique flare. Something to make the reader remember it's yours. This poem reminded me of "A Midsummer Nights Dream" Just the dreamy vibe i get from it. Like you are lost in sleep, and free of all distractions. You paint a clear image of your own little world. A world where you are stumpy and proud.

"Not Afraid of Sharks"

I like the whole story you fit into this tight little poem. You were able to convey so much in just mere stanzas. The whole subject matter is intriguing here. are you truly afraid of dolphins??? Because of the story feel to it i wasn't sure whether this was a first person account, or just a story you conjured up in the form of prose. At any rate, i enjoyed it a great deal, and again like the over all structure you use. It helps eveything move very fluid like. I envy this perhaps because this is something i feel i lack in my own poetry. Awesome work.

Review for Jane:

"The Anniversary"

I enjoyed this story, and loved how you pulled it all together in the end. You did an excellent job of leaving the reader hanging on in anticipation as to what's going to happen. The descriptions you used were quite good, and gave me a nice mental image; however, i did find myself wanting more detail. Mainly in the beginning, where you introduce James and Geraldine, i wanted to know more about them. How did the meet? more info into their backgrounds would be nice. I wanted to know more about their relationship, and what exactly about it made it as special as it seems to be. Maybe a possibility could be to use some o the objects you describe as she is digging through the closet to go into some flash backs. Use those objects as a way to explore their relationship... Other than that, i think the story is pretty solid. Look forward to reading more from you.

Not afraid of sharks

To: Sara Nell
From: Jessica
Re: Not afraid of sharks

This poem displays a fear for dolphins but not that of sharks. I would think that Mohammad is a shark perhaps viewed as a child, but then later in the poem he seems to be a person. I get a sense of a missed past time and a bit of a playful tone throughout this poem. The missed pastimes come out in lines, "Two hours of words somewhere between a moon and some sunset ". "perhaps I should have told Mohammad then about the sharks and why they were safe and why I never said goodbye". The playful tone is displayed, especially at the ending, "Because I am not afraid of sharks, I said stealing his eyes one more last time"

Night: Starless

To: Sara Nell
From: Jessica
Re: Night: Starless

I enjoyed the rhyme scheme within this poem. Some people tend to confuse rhyming with forcing, but I disagree. I can relate to the poem that way since a great deal of the music I listen to is written in the same format. I would say this poem is about a girl who is pining to be a girl with long legs or fair skin. But then again the appearance does not seem to matter to that of someone similar with no sight. It's as if you want to be transcended beyond that of looks. This comes out in line, "So I may be creature fair as she who has more limbs than me". "Transcend me now so I may float". "Allow me to be a solid stone, limbless as I be".

jane's story

The Anniversary

A woman frantically searches her home for a treasured ring that she believes she's misplaced, but is actually in the possession of her husband so that he can have some work done on it.


The tension in this story is portrayed very vividly. The nervous energy Geraldine has is apparent in every action. She 'darts' around 'spontaneously.' The home and the items inside of it are described in minute detail: "A rectangular pink and gold decorated box with laurel leaves was in plain sight on an upper shelf. The lid was not fastened and white and yellow lace with blue satin material fell overboard on the box as it seemed to be attached and matted in place." I don't use a lot of detail in my writing and items like this stuck out to me. I can't really quite envision the box, but I can envision its features -- it's clear that Geraldine cherishes these items by the detail associated with them. As for the tale itself -- it's a cute story. Perhaps you could put more emphasis on her relationship with James, and mention the importance of the ring being tied with her love for him, as it is a token of their relationship? As the story stands, it really is more about a ring than about an anniversary. I like the peas in the pod (at opposite ends) description, but since the story is generally from her perspective, perhaps she could talk about her love for him.

sara's poems

Night: Starless

A somewhat limbless speaker is sleeping and stumpy on a starless night.

Once again, your writing and use of language is quite impressive. You've got rhymes and rhythm without a solid rhyme scheme, which in my view is great. Interjections ("Whoa! / Ho! / Go!"), rhyming even, totally energize the poem. Some sort of surreal imagery in some precious language ("Oh, give me arm! so I may be / creature fair as she/ who has more limbs than me."), it's great. Your choice of topic is so unexpected, and that scores like +2 bonus points out of 10. But again, you sort of lose me on the what of the poem. From what I can make out, this is a disfigured woman who is ultimately content to be disfigured (stumpy, even), but I'm not sure what that has to do with the starless night, or the artisan, or quoting the speaker, or ... suffice to say you've sort of lost me and I'm not entirely unhappy about being lost -- you make it seem that I would rather be lost than beaten over the head with something obvious.


Not afraid of sharks

The speaker is afraid of dolphins (but not sharks)? She (I assume she) discusses favorite sharks with Mohammed (of Islam? or just a Middle Eastern guy?), and her fear of dolphins. Along the way I am confused.


I do feel that this one tips the scales a little bit past poetic device into simply befuddling me -- I can grasp more of Night: Starless and that adds measurably to my appreciation of it. I like the conversational way this begins, and that's a good device for a poem that involves conversation. And the fear of dolphins is quaint and amusing. And -- is it the Islamic Mohammed? Would you care to expand on the speaker's fear of what others trust (and things that aren't ugly)? Not that I didn't enjoy this -- I do enjoy the way that you write -- simply that I think this is more a poem of ideas than language, really -- not as flowery, vivid as some others -- and without being able to grasp the ideas I lose some of it. I look forward to discussing this with you, but pity a reader without that opportunity.

Wynter's Story

Eye of the Dragon

After dispatching a dragon, Alexander has an unwilling (and captive) audience with his mother. The not-so-dispatched dragon makes an appearance, kind of crazy-like, the mother is forced to turn on him, and then turns to Alexander. It's pretty clear that he's doomed.


A lot of this works for me, Alexander has a pretty solid internal commentary running, one which seems pretty feasable for such a farfetched situation. There's some lines of vivid description, as well: "Her form was a reptilian caricature of a feline," "blood tainting the surface of the yellow enamels." That makes it right into my head. Overall, the writing is pretty competent, and the dialogue works. My question: is there a moral to this story? Is it a comment on misunderstanding, or some guy's fatal misadventure with a dragon? The story is certainly well-written, but I'm not sure what I was supposed to take from it. If it was just a fatal misadventure, I'm willing to leave it at that.

Wynter Hall Comments

“Eye of the Dragon” Summary:

This story is about a man named Alexander, who comes face to face with a dragon, Vahira. Vahira gives Alexander her point of view before she is forced to kill her own child. By the end of the story Vahira is about to kill Alexander.

“Eye of the Dragon” Response:

Wynter, I loved this story. It was very compelling; despite its length, I was intrigued with every page I turned. The opening was very fast passed and helped to pull the reader in. I also love how your first several paragraphs are very to-the-point. You keep a comical tone through out your story. This is evident in such lines as “except perhaps the man who had fled,” and, “No, he thought, a mouse has more sense. A mouse would have run by now.” These sentences helped to bring out the personality of the main character. I also love how in paragraph 22 you compare the dragon to a cat and Alexander to a mouse. It was a very good comparison and helped to convey to the reader the helplessness that Alexander felt against the dragon. Another thing I loved was when you included the philosophy of the dragon. It helped to put things in perspective and it gave the story a moral. Overall Wynter, there’s not much I would change, really loved it.

Jane Aughenbaugh Comments

“The Anniversary” Summary:

This story is about a woman named Geraldine, who has been searching frantically for her wedding ring. At the end of the story, her husband comes home and hands her the re-jeweled wedding ring as an anniversary present.

“The Anniversary” Response:

Jane, I enjoyed reading your story. You give very good descriptions when it comes to physical objects. I love the description in the third paragraph when you write, “There was an abundant amount of dust rose, hyacinth blue, orange, salmon, aqua, lavender, purple, sea green and red lace and silk materials piled on top pf each other.” A sentence like that gives the reader a great visual as to what kind of materials were in the box. I also like the phrase, “engulfing smiles.” Those words stand out and sound nice together. When I read the first paragraph, I was a little confused at first, but I understood what you were trying to say by the end of the story. I had to read the third paragraph several times to fully understand it, I would consider breaking it up into two paragraphs. One other thing I would change is the last line, “Only this time, it was bigger and shiny as glass.” A diamond is shinier than glass, so maybe compare it to something else. Overall, great story.

Sara Nell Comments

“Night” Summary:

I am not a hundred percent sure as to what I should put as the summary. The poem talked about a starless night, and it talked a lot about a person without any limbs.

“Night” Response:

This poem is very cool. It seemed a little confusing at first, but it’s certainly very artistic. Many people may not like the fact that you rhymed in your stanzas, but I felt that the rhyme only added to your poem. One thing I love is the style of your sentences, for example, lines such as, “Go! Go, so show to me,” and, “I do not wish nor want a hand to play!” Lines like that seem very Shakespearean, which I think work great in this poem. One thing I was curious about is the line, “Quote me not!” What do you mean with this line, can you elaborate on its significance? The poem overall makes the reader wonder as to what you are trying to imply. I don’t think that making the reader wonder can be a bad thing; in fact, I think it works in your favor. Overall Sara, I enjoyed reading your poem.

“Not Afraid of Sharks” Summary:

This poem is about a girl who is afraid of dolphins because most people trust them. She is not, however, afraid of sharks.

“Not Afraid of Sharks” Response:

Your poem made sense to me at first, but when you mentioned “Mohammed,” I got a little confused. The first few lines flow very nicely together. I love how you make it very clear that your fear was of dolphins and that the fear was irreversible. In the next few lines you mention Mohammed, who seems to play a large role in this poem. One line that confused me was, “He was a memory that talked back and made new memories.” What do you mean when you refer to Mohamed as a memory, is he no longer living? Another one of your lines that confused me, “He lost his scales.” Does this mean that Mohammed is some sort of sea-creature? Throughout your entire poem, my favorite line is, “Two hours of words somewhere between a moon and some sunset.” I love how the vagueness of this description gives the reader an emotion of the author’s indifference towards the realization of time.

Anna's poems

Trees

Trees are personified differently in their different seasons.

There’s some vivid poetic language in this poem, such as ‘scantily clad’ trees in Spring (cute!), and ‘flesh wrinkled with age and seasons.’ The personification theme works. Here’s a simple word choice thing – don’t you think ‘Autumn’ sounds more poetic than ‘Fall’? Also, perhaps it’s because I’m on my fourth day of a cold and my head feels packed with putty, but I’m having difficulty parsing your last stanza. I understand that trees give, not take (coolness?), but what frolicking beckoning beauties?

Love is a Season

Lovers are personified as seasons, beginning with bitter winter and ending with content winter.

Some good word choice in this one, winter and speaker as ‘unrelenting,’ man and spring ‘[sauntering] in like a breeze.’ Saunter I like especially, it’s very suggestive. I like how the whole thing comes full circle with that abrupt ending. A few of these stanzas begin to paint pictures of lovers and seasons, and I guess my biggest problem is that they only begin to do so. I guess most of all, I’d like to see this longer, the metaphors more fleshed out. Also, I do like the title, but it reminds me unwillingly of Rent.

Felicia's story

Seven Midget Strippers

Sean is invited by his friend John to see a show of seven midget strippers. He hits his head in the shower beforehand and afterwards is knifed by a bum.

The Snow White line? Thumbs up. Also to the (self?)-mocking of Dundalk, and to the repetitious nature of Sean’s thoughts during the knifing. On the minus side, the depiction of the seven midgets stripping is a total letdown. It seems like the event the entire story is leading up to, and then is dispensed with in a small paragraph with little enough detail that I could not even imagine the midget strippers. What music was playing? I suppose my point here is that I needed more midget strippers. A few formatting problems – issues with the dialogue punctuation and beginning a new paragraph with each speaker. The story itself left me a little confused. The moral of the story is that the kid gets knifed? Do the seven midget strippers bring bad luck? That could be a good angle.

Carr's Review of Felicia's Story 3/06

Felicia,

You’ve got an intriguing title and scenario here: Sean is rousted from his ordinary routine by his friend John to go and see seven midget strippers. They have a mild adventure, and something shifts in Sean’s life. Good plot and arc for a story. And there are some good lines here. I like when you get close to Sean’s POV – not when you tell us his thoughts in quotation marks necessarily, but when you tell us things like, the cigarette “felt nice in between his lips. It almost eased the pain from his head.” Or “the black tables looked like they were bought from IKEA.” Those are good because they give the reader an idea about the kind of person Sean is. They give us a sense of his character. Your story would benefit from more of that kind of writing. So when you look back over this, look for places where Sean can comment on things. For example, when John says Caesars, what does Sean think? Obviously he hasn’t heard of it. So wouldn’t it be anatural for him to mull it over, to project some kind of expectation? And in the doing, Sean might also tell us two things – first, more about himself; and second, more about his relationship with John. I mean, why does Sean hang out with John? What does he get from the relationship? I don’t know.
Try to slow down here, Felicia. This night to see the seven midget strippers is so fraught with tension, that it seems like the kind of scenario that we should wait until the very end to resolve. After all, from the get go the reader will be expecting something momentous from the show, but here it’s kind of a fizzle. It can still be a fizzle (that’s probably the most realistic situation), but the build up has to establish more tension. So give us more of the night. Try to establish a secondary plot – something that has to be done before the two guys can actually go to the club. That might be what the story is really about. But along the way, we’ll get to know Sean and John a lot better, and we’ll see at the end why they end up where they do.
Does that make sense? Think about it, and let me know if you have questions.

There is one technical question that needs to be addressed, Felicia, and that is the question of formatting dialogue. Learn that and make sure you conform to the conventions here early on. OK.

CK

Carr's Review of Anna's Poems 3/6

Anna,

My favorite lines in “Trees” are “A musician in Fall” and “frolicking beckoning beauties.” The first I like because of the possibilities the image contains. There are all sorts of ways you can now show the music of the trees – by showing us how the tress are like musicians. That’s good. The second line there I like for the sound – it’s music. I like the way the words work together: frolicking beckoning beauties. That’s very evocative. It reminds me of some girls in the 1940s sitting around a public pool. That’s nice.
So here are two different areas to work on. First, why not use an image for each season in the poem? Then you could show how the trees change – and maybe even one tree changes personas from season to season. Think about it. Think about showing more. I think that will help you with vivid images. And as you do that, try to work in those wonderful sounds like “frolicking beckoning beauties”.

Cool. I like that you use nature as a metaphor in your poems. “Love is a Season” is a great title, immediately conjuring images of possibility. And then you start the poem very nicely: “I was winter, bitter, cold, unrelenting.” That’s strong because it is so active. Stay in that mode as you describe what the winter does and/or thinks. Give this winter a persona, and then stay with that. The first person gets lost immediately after the first line until “Then I fell.” I think that’s too long between. We need to know how winter reacts to spring. How she changes. That way the falling will be earned. Right now it isn’t necessarily.
In addition, youer images could be tightened. Give us the real things that happen in spring, summer, fall. The small things you notice. That will help to make the poem more real for us.

OK. There’s potential here, Anna. Keep working on it – show more – and it will come.

CK

Carr's Review of Charlie's Story 3/06

Charlie,

What you’ve got here has a lot of potential as a story. You’re using a classic American story – the rise and fall of a man of crime. Definitely classic. And there are certain elements that work well within the convention: the narrator gets into this before he knows what he’s doing; gets addicted to the lifestyle as much as anything; and ultimately crashes not because of his won flaws (ie the drugs and booze), but because of something outside of his control – his age. There’s an irony to that that could be exploited to great effect, and which could comment on the cult of youth so predominant in our society. So cool on all those fronts.
OK. There are some passages that I think work well here. I like how you introduce Uncle Auggie – like “sean Connery, the older Sean Connery.” That’s good. I also like how you describe Uncle Auggie as “a criminal. Not by Hollywood standards, but certainly by the standards of law.” Also good. What I think I like about those passages, and what may be your style, Charlie, are the little addendums there, the things you add on to the end of the descriptions that make them give the voice of the character some flavor.
And that voice is something I think you should focus on here in the revision. This is a piece where voice is really important. We need to hear this kid tell the story, and we need to believe in him as a distinct person, with quirks of speech, quirks of mind. I don’t think that’s coming through right now. So keep working on that. Try to remember what it was like to be fifteen. What he might say, what he might think.
For in the end, I don’t think we know enough about the central character to really side with him or even believe in him. Why does he choose to work for Uncle Auggie? What’s going on in his own life that he needs this? And why does Uncle Auggie choose him? What traits does he possess – and that are evident to s stranger – that qualify him for the job. Presumably Uncle Auggie chose him for more reason that his age. He obviously knew something about him.
So how are you gonna get to that? By showing more scenes. Right now too much of this story is being told rather than shown. We need to see Uncle Auggie in all his glory. We need to see the narrator ply his trade, suffer his addiction. Otherwise you veer to the realm of fable, and this story has been told already in that world. So try to give us real people doing real things. Make them come alive by focusing on the small, real things that people do – both with their bodies and their minds. Both with their heads and their hearts.

All right. So I like all the potential here. Work with it. See what you can come up with. Good luck.

CK

To Felicia

I was gripped when I read the title, “Seven Midget Strippers,” because it is one of those events I would not pass up if I was given the opportunity to go. I liked the main character’s name, Sean, because it reminded me a lot of one of my best friends, also named Sean. Everything that happened to Sean in the story would happen to my Sean in real-life because he has horrible luck. The Ikea reference was a nice touch because everyone has seen the generic, a ton of assembly required Ikea furniture. The comments about Dundalk made me laugh because I was born and raised in Essex so much of my life has been spent making fun of people from Dundalk, even though I’ve met some quite nice people who are unfortunately from Dundalk. My only negative comment about the piece is the lack of detail about the actual midget strippers. I would likes to have read more about them, especially because they’re what the piece is titled after.

To Charlie

The opening line “There was a time in my life when I seemed to have it all, a time when I could stand firm to the hand of God and not get struck down. “ is such a powerful statement because it throws you right into the heart of the story. The details in this story were amazing and the story itself was extremely riveting. I was not able to put it down until I finished it and found out what happened to this young boy. Kudos for mentioning a 1967 Shelby Cobra…one of the finest pieces of American muscle ever made. I wondered, however, why the young man did not but a vehicle for himself. He was 16, of age to drive, and certainly had the money to buy him one. The main character/narrator saw the old man with a nice car, but never thought to buy himself one. I was especially pleased when I read the graphic description of the horrors of addiction and an explanation of the scenario surrounding a weekend of cocaine use. Well done!

To: Anna

I like how in “Trees” the person/thing is related to each season in a different way. I thought the second line of “Trees” was a very nice visual with “arms reaching to Heaven.” I originally didn’t know this poem was about trees because I failed to read the title before I read the poem. I thought it was about a person. These two lines “Arms reaching to Heaven/Head bowed in prayer” provide an excellent paradox in the beginning of the poem to show the versatility of the trees. I like these two lines of the poem best “Leaves, their lives expelled, their beauty at an end/To be found in the confines of wax paper treasures” because it reminds of me when I was a child and would save leaves and keep them in my room because they were brightly colored. I wonder if the second poem “Love is a Season” is about your husband or your children. I love the indents in both poems because it gives them character and separates the thoughts.

charlie's story

In A Broken Dream

Kid begins laundering money, begins a lifestyle of debauchery which is stopped short by his impending adulthood.

This story has a good flow, and the details included sort of invoke an 80's yuppie style, sort of American Psycho, a morality tale of 80's debauchery. I don't know that there were enough details to paint any strong images, though. I did like the story, and the tone of the speaker is solid throughout, but where did this kid get this taste for such finery? Giving us a scene of the character looking in catalogues, even, would put down some realism in the narration. Why did Uncle Auggie pick the narrator for this kind of work? Was it his baby face? Because I enjoyed the story, but nothing about it really stuck out for me, and I feel like that sort of narrative detail would help give it character.

Seven Midget Strippers

To: Felicia Plato
From: Jessica
Re: Seven Midget Strippers

Brief Description:
This is a story about two guys named John and Sean and their trip to a strip club called Caesars to see 7 midget ones. This was John's idea on how to spend a Friday evening. Once inside the smokey club, Sean did not really get into it until he had 5 beers and a few Jameson shots. Upon exiting the club, two bums tried to rob Sean of his wallet. They manage to fend off the bums with a few punches but end up having to go to the Hospital. They left around 4 am and went their separate ways.

Comments/Suggestions:
This story could use a bit more elaboration in certain areas. Such as describing what the club looked like or mentioning the other 5 strippers. And also the name of the Hospital.The story is entitled 7 midget strippers but that part goes by so quickly. I would elaborate more on the event or change the title to a night out or Friday night trip. I would also suggest adding more details or images. The wording in certain areas needs to be revised. I do like how the reader tried to relate with local people by making comments about Dundalk. The author does try to bring a bit of humor into this story, especially when John remarked, "Wanna do this again next week?"

Seven Midget Strippers

I liked this story a lot, it made me laugh out loud. The part with a waitress from Dundalk was hysterical to me. My grandfather lived in Dundalk, one of my best friend’s live in Dundalk, my boyfriend is from Dundalk, so I know Dundalk well. So those lines describing the waitress are great. I like the little details like the cigarettes Sean are smoking are Marlboros, you didn’t just say he was smoking cigarettes. I also like how in the end you implied that they go out every Friday night. The whole story just reminded me of my friends and I on Friday night. Usually every time something crazy happens and we do it all again next week. There isn’t really anything I can think of that would make this story better.

In a Broken Dream

I thought this story was enjoyable. It flowed nicely and it could keep a readers attention. It had some nice descriptive details like instead of just saying Uncle Auggie and the young man met at a reception hall, they met at the reception hall of Martin’s East. Small details like that give the reader a clearer picture. I loved the second to last line of the story “I learned that there is no such thing as good and evil, black and white, we’re all just shades of grey.” I love that line because I believe that to be very true in life. This story was good but there are a few things that could be changed or done differently. I like the idea of the addiction but it just seemed to come out of no where to me, maybe build that up a little more. I also would like to know more about the fifteen year old. Just things like his name and details like that to make him more relatable.

Love is a Season

I liked this poem and the idea of this poem. The title “Love is a Season” describes what the whole poem is about to me. It made me think that there are different aspects of love like there are different seasons. One line that stood out to me is “His hair is the color of summer wheat”. I liked this line because I thought it was a creative way to describe his hair color. I liked the format of this poem, and how it looked on paper. I would like to know more about the people in the poem. Maybe give more examples of how they are like to seasons.

In a Broken Dream

To: Charlie Baugher
From: Jessica
Re: In a Broken Dream

Brief Description:


This story is about a 15 yr old boy and a man sometimes referred to as Uncle Auggie. This story begins with the main character (not sure of his name) being invited to Auggies house for a possible lawn mowing job. However it turns out this man wants the young boy to launder $100 bills for him. In return the boy gets back 30% he gives to Auggie. Due to the young boys new found income of approx. $7,000 per week, he begins to purchase expensive items such as a Rolex watch, burberry shirts, and a lambskin jacket. When the boy turns 16 his income is now almost 10,000 per week. With this money he begins to explore alcohol, specifically three bottles of cognac per week. This later turns into a fondness for cigars and then later become more serious with drugs such as cocaine. Once the boy turns 18 he was called to his Uncle Auggies house where he is let go and replaced with someone younger. The main characters life worsens with his addictions and now has nothing to show for all of the money he received since the age of 15. Despite all of this, the main character doesn't feel any remorse for the money laundering, nor did he think of it as a bad thing to do.


As for comments:


I found it pretty hard to picture a young boy with a Rolex and Burberry shirts. I could relate more if the boy purchased things more along the lines of a 15 year old. Things like video games, jeans, etc. It seemed as if this boy was acting more like a washed up young movie star than anything else. What is the main characters name? What was his life like before the money? What else did he do during the day besides break bills? Where were his parents during this ordeal? How did they not notice his changing behavior? How in the world did this boy get the alcohol? Why did the main character not think of himself as a bad person after all of this? Why did this person feel as if he would be struck down by God if he did not feel remorse for what he did?

"Seven Midget Strippers" by Felicia

This is a story about Sean and John's Friday night out on the
town at a strip club. The evening is meant to be fun but turns
sour at the end with John is approached by someone wanting
his wallet. His hand is cut and he must go to the hospital.


The story setting is obvious and in place. I felt the opening paragraph
is a good one and nicely starts the story that takes place.
There seems to be much detail throughout the story; such as,
"A few minutes later he grabbed a water bottle and went to finish
getting ready." and "the smoke found a way into their eyes, etc. etc.
It almost seems to me that that event could have taken place.

Love is a season

To: Anna Ransom
From: Jessica
Re: Love is a season

The author chooses to use the nature and its seasons to describe her life with and without the prospect of love. Again she uses descriptive wording such as "He became my summer. His arms lazy and warm". "Like the trees I shed my soul". Again I liked this poem although I would perhaps choose to describe a bit more in this poem. Perhaps more about the love interest.

Trees

To: Anna Ransom
From: Jessica
Re: Trees

I liked this poem. It made me think of my childhood sitting out in the park amongst the nature that surrounded me. I also enjoyed the descriptive choice of wording throughout this poem. I liked the lines, "To be found in the confines of was paper treasures". "Adorned with coats of frigid white in winter".

Trees

I thought this was a wonderful poem. It had so many great details that it brought the poem to life. I loved how you used personification to describe the trees. Two lines that show this well are “Scantily clad in spring, fingertips with jewels ready to burst. Normally people wouldn’t think of trees being scantily clad and having fingertips. Another line that shows great personification is “Flesh wrinkled with age and seasons, …” Once again must people wouldn’t think of trees as having flesh. I also thought this poem was beautifully written and had great descriptive detail.

"Trees" by Anna

This is a very inspiring and relaxing poem to read.
I liked the idea of writing about the beautiful trees.

In the beginning of the poem, the first three lines set the tone nicely.
Every season of the year is mentioned very vididly. I also thought the descriptions
were very real.

Charlie's Review of Felicia

“Seven Midget Strippers” Summary:

This story is about two guys, Sean and John, who go to a strip club to watch midgets dance. They ended up getting mugged as they left the club and subsequently had to go to the hospital.

“Seven Midget Strippers” Response:

Felicia, your story was interesting. It had some funny parts in it like the repeated degradation of Dundalkian social status. I also enjoyed the physical humor when Sean was in the shower. It’s usually funny when characters find themselves in odd situations, in this case at a midget strip club. You gave a good description of the strip club, going into detail about aspects of the interior and relating it to things we may recognize (i.e. tables from Ikea). I noticed several small grammatical errors and one misspelling (“there” in paragraph six should be their). It’s also important to note that if there are words following a quotation, it’s generally improper to put a punctuation mark inside the quotation and at the end of the sentence. I was a little disappointed when I got to the ending because your story didn’t seem to have a point to it. I’m not a big fiction reader, so maybe that’s perfectly normal. Overall, I found the story to be funny and entertaining.