Carr's Review of Jane's story 3/13

Jane,

There are some nice elements here. The lost object that means so much. The fretting that comes with that. Geraldine’s feeling of anxiety for the object. And I like that James surprises her at the end. This has a distinctly old-fashioned feel to it. Good.
So lets work on a few things. First, I recommend that you start with a scene rather than the prologue. In a sense there’s no need to tell us what’s going on beforehand, just show us from the start. Put us there with her.
Second, slow down in your scenes. When Geraldine runs upstairs things get a little dicey. First, the “box” on the shelf turns out to hold a whole slew of costumes – even shoes! That throws us a little. Is it a trunk? If so, how does it fit on the shelf? Next, the transition from being with Cynthia to the present is awkward and confusing. On first read I thought G. had abandoned her five-year-old niece for over an hour. So maybe try to work in the memory after G. is looking in the box.
Finally, I wonder if you wouldn’t be better served by not hiding the fact that what she is looking for is her ring. If you told us she is frantic about that, maybe you could put her in some other scenes where the consequences of that played out more. Try it and see what you think.
OK. So overall, I’d like to se more scenes, Jane. Let the people here interact. It takes some of the pressure off of you as the writer. You can let the characters figure out some of the details. Try it – and see if they don’t start to come alive.
All right. Good luck and let me know if you have any questions.

CK