Carr's Review of Jessica's Poems 3/27

Jessica,

I like the themes of both your poems here, “Entangled” and “Façade.” Both poems to me seem to be about being trapped – and not by outside forces, but by some personal choice that the poet/narrator makes. I see this in “Façade” in lines like, “I am sick of this game,/ I play with myself.” And in “Entangled in the lines “Now trapped,/ in a web you have created.” I like that, because it shows a willingness to look inside – something that the best poems do, I think.
OK. So now let’s focus on maximizing the return here,. I think both of these poems would benefit from more showing. Look at the opening of “Façade.” In those lines you are showing action: “throw my heels”, “wipe off all the makeup”, “let my hair down.” Good. But after that you start to tell more than show. So think about this – try to say those things you are saying in the poem – like “I am tired” or “I am sick of this game” without saying those lines. Instead try to show us images that will leave us with the impression that you are tired. I highly suggest you write this poem as an anecdote or in narrative form. I think you’ll come closer to approaching truth there than you are now.
OK. “Entangled” has the same kind of showing issue, but I think a bigger issue here right now might be the lack of grounding in a firm point of view. Right now you have two POVs: the “you” of the spider and the “I” of the spider. That’s confusing. So what I suggest you do is place yourself in a first person POV and watch the spider weave her doom. Observe it closely, for what you are really watching is yourself weaving your demise. How will we know that? Well, we’ll get it at the end, because after you’ve watched the spider, you’ll show us some action that you take. It will probably be small, but it will tip us off that you were really watching yourself. But again, don’t tell us that – just show us the action and let us figure it out.
All right. You’ve got some good material to work with here. Go for it and see me with questions.

CK