Carr's Review of Charlie's Story 3/06

Charlie,

What you’ve got here has a lot of potential as a story. You’re using a classic American story – the rise and fall of a man of crime. Definitely classic. And there are certain elements that work well within the convention: the narrator gets into this before he knows what he’s doing; gets addicted to the lifestyle as much as anything; and ultimately crashes not because of his won flaws (ie the drugs and booze), but because of something outside of his control – his age. There’s an irony to that that could be exploited to great effect, and which could comment on the cult of youth so predominant in our society. So cool on all those fronts.
OK. There are some passages that I think work well here. I like how you introduce Uncle Auggie – like “sean Connery, the older Sean Connery.” That’s good. I also like how you describe Uncle Auggie as “a criminal. Not by Hollywood standards, but certainly by the standards of law.” Also good. What I think I like about those passages, and what may be your style, Charlie, are the little addendums there, the things you add on to the end of the descriptions that make them give the voice of the character some flavor.
And that voice is something I think you should focus on here in the revision. This is a piece where voice is really important. We need to hear this kid tell the story, and we need to believe in him as a distinct person, with quirks of speech, quirks of mind. I don’t think that’s coming through right now. So keep working on that. Try to remember what it was like to be fifteen. What he might say, what he might think.
For in the end, I don’t think we know enough about the central character to really side with him or even believe in him. Why does he choose to work for Uncle Auggie? What’s going on in his own life that he needs this? And why does Uncle Auggie choose him? What traits does he possess – and that are evident to s stranger – that qualify him for the job. Presumably Uncle Auggie chose him for more reason that his age. He obviously knew something about him.
So how are you gonna get to that? By showing more scenes. Right now too much of this story is being told rather than shown. We need to see Uncle Auggie in all his glory. We need to see the narrator ply his trade, suffer his addiction. Otherwise you veer to the realm of fable, and this story has been told already in that world. So try to give us real people doing real things. Make them come alive by focusing on the small, real things that people do – both with their bodies and their minds. Both with their heads and their hearts.

All right. So I like all the potential here. Work with it. See what you can come up with. Good luck.

CK