Carr's Review of Sara's Poems 3/13

Sara:

I like your poem “Not afraid of sharks” a lot. First, I love the title. I have a kind of fascination/fear thing with sharks, so the title jumps right out at me. I’m also a big fan of narrative in poetry, so your angle here works for me very well. The story with Mohammed is a good one – I particularly like the ways you talk about the “one more last time” with him. That’s where you’re entering the realm of the poet – by coming up with a quirky (in a good way) way to express the emotions that come with relationships that don’t last, or that run their course, or that end prematurely. All those things are expressed to me here in lines like “I was glad not to have forgotten him on a positive note” and “The last time I never saw Mohammed again”, etc.
At the same time, I think you would do well here to slow down a bit, especially in the narrative. Maybe even some reorganization is called for here. At the very least, I think you should allow the narrator to give us a reaction to seeing him again. What does he look like (ie good, bad, different, better, sexier, etc). And then try to give us a clear idea of what happened on that night. Right now your poem is a little too opaque for me – and purposely opaque, which I don’t like so much. It’s fine to make us work, but maybe not so hard that we leave confused. Think about it.

All right. “Night: Starless” strikes me as not as ready as “sharks” although you’ve obviously done quite a bit of work on the rhyme scheme and pattern (I’m sure you’re probably doing something formal here that escapes me. I don’t have enough of a keen eye to recognize it). And that work is evident in lines like “Night; Nip; I am only nubs”; “shapely stump that grows”; and “Oh, bitter/ night, starless in your windless/ bite.” Those all work very well for me.
And I like where you end here. I think the line “I am stumpy on this starless night” is actually pretty funny.
What I don’t get here is the whole stump thing. What exactly is the connection between a starless night and stumpiness? Can you give us a little more of a clue in the poem? (again, maybe not make us work so hard?). Right now I’m stumped (sorry, I couldn’t resist.).
OK. Give these things some thought. Let me know what you’re thinking.
Good luck.
CK