To Dan

From Heather

I feel really feel bad for Billy and I dislike his mother because she has a sick sense of humor. The title is really nice and gives a good foreshadow to the rest of the story. Personally, I think it’s a little too much “Billy did this, then Billy did that.” More details could be added, i.e. describe the birthday cake so we (the reader) can have the same visual in their mind that you did writing this piece. You could improve the piece by adding more atmospheric details and how Billy feels about things; add his thoughts and feelings as much as you can to give us the insight into his mind. Put his inner thoughts as dialogue. Some of these sentences could be combined to make more complex sentences, and a more detailed story. I really like the paragraph where it describes every thing Billy did to be a “good person” so God would allow him to see on his 16^th birthday.