Carr's Review of Sara's poems 2/20

Re: “The Intentions of the Intentional” and “Mankaure and Khamerernebty”

Sara,

There are a number of interesting and vivid images and sounds in “The Intentions of the Intentional”: “Itwastheheat, thehotspot;/ the center of the world, man”; “I was crying last night, baby …mornings’ tears”; “sound of sweetness …one tender palm to the next.” There is a nice rhythm to those lines, and they are both thought and feeling-provoking. I also like the last line, “the careful diagnosis of strangers”, even though I don’t really know what it means. But it definitely sounds good.
Overall, though, the poem doesn’t cohere for me – all these interesting images don’t come together as a whole. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but here are some suggestions for revision. One thing you might try is reorganizing your poem. Try putting stanzas 1,3,5 right together and then following with 2,4,6. I know that breaks up your pattern ,but see how it sounds. It might be cool.
OK. In “Mankaure and Khamerernebty” my favorite section begins with “Time, not …” and ends with “I am no more a woman than a photograph.” That passage is powerful – it speaks volumes on the transitional nature of love, and also of the unreliability of memory. That’s very good.
I also like much of the end of the poem – from the philosophy spouting to the closing line – but I particularly like the question about being a “replica of some broken statue.” Again, I think the searching, the sadness, really came through there.
So there’s rerally just one section that doesn’t work for me – the opening (until “Time”). I’m also confused by “Iamitisoflate” – is that necessary? – and the closing two lines. But overall those are minor details.
All right. I really enjoyed reading these. They were fun and interesting to play with. Cool. Good luck and let me know if you have questions.

CK