Carr's Review of Jessica's Poems 2/20

Re: “Surrender” and “Obscure”

Jessica,

The ways that a lover helps us to be who we really are or want to be is an excellent subject for a poem – of course. These kinds of things are what we read poetry for after all – to learn how to be human.
OK. You’ve got some good lines here: “Around you I am me”; “The looks I get are proof of my effect”; “To let you know/That I see you” are all lines that seem honest and tender. Good.
One question I have concerns the title: “Surrender.” I don’t get a strong feeling of that here, or surrender. Can you give us more of a sense of resistance here – for surrender implies that there was a struggle to get there, a fight against. Or perhaps the title needs changing. Just make sure that you are clear in your intention.
All right. One thing to work on is the details, especially the small ones. Those small details are really the ones that make the work seem real to us. For example, when you say, “Around you I am me,” I want to know what kinds of things you can do∫ around this person that make you feel like you. Don’t be afraid to think small, and to be personal. For it is in the personal, the specific, that we will get a sense of the general.

OK. “Obscure” is another poem with a subject ripe for exploration: the attempt to overanalyze love. That’s good. And I really like the last two lines: “Look into my eyes/ For unsaid truths.” That’s very nice. So try to lead into that nice ending with more real details. One place to go is to describe where this person is looking if not in your eyes. That would give the closing a certain weight that it wants to carry now but isn’t being asked to. See what I mean? Be specific. Be real.

All right. Good luck. Let me know if you have questions.
CK