Thanks for your Help with Antonia and Penny

TO: Heather, Matt, Charlie, Jessica, Mr. K.

I'm going to need all the help I can get for Penny and Antonia paper..........
Thanks very much for your suggestions. I will miss seeing everyone
in Mr. K.'s class. Have a nice summer!
Jane

Critiques for April 24

Anna’s Poems
Songs from the South

Reminiscing about lazy childhood days.

“I am ten,” interjected at random, somehow is my favorite line. It’s such an anti-climax after the longer line before it. “Ice cubes are music as they play with my plastic glass.” Vivid. I can imagine this noise. Here’s a question – “fuchsia a stark [contrast?] to their neutrality.” Are yellow and black stripes neutral? They seem kind of flamboyant to me. This poem summons a good feeling, but the descriptions are a little flat. “Soft green grass.” “Billowy white clouds.” These descriptions have been used hundreds of times before. What about a simile or metaphor? Something new and different? Describing the feel of the grass on your body, the feeling that the billowy white clouds give you inside?


My Giant

Daughter helping her father deal with the loss of his dog as she attempts to deal with their changing relationship.

“In he comes. He limps now.” Short and abrupt like his movements, perhaps? I like the juxtaposition of, “Me, eager for warm coffee/ Him, eager for warm conversation.” I like the line, “the words and tears work in tandem.” “First supportive, then a traitor to love.” There’s a lot of lines I like in this poem but I don’t feel like it’s very unified. I might describe the poem as haphazard. It’s sort of narrative-like but lacks a narrative’s structure. That is to say, there’s a lot of stuff going on. Perhaps you could use a riff upon you caring for your dad caring for his dog. I don’t know. Think about it.


Israel’s Poems
My Sons, My Daughters

Of a parent-type figure who is caused pain by his children’s pain, and wants them to understand how incredible he feels they are.

A few things first – a lot of these lines on the second page are rather vague. “In the embrace of her poison/Her deadly bullet?” Who’s poison? Who’s deadly bullet? What is this a metaphor for? I feel like I would get more out of it if I understood what sort of problems these children were grappling with. Also, “Can’t you see you are not this?!?” This type of multiple exclamation/querying to me reads as crazy. More than one punctuation mark reads as crazy. Here’s my main beef with the poem. Is this supposed to be an uplifting poem about the love of this parental figure for his sons/daughters? Because if so, I feel the poem would read better backwards, like if you took each stanza and flipped them in the opposite order, making the last the first and so on. As it is, this poem sort of descends into the sort of cries of psychic pain that I see in a lot of your work. Flip it around, then it begins with psychic pain and ends with the soothing assurances that would make a person feel better.


The World

The world is a cold, dark, cruel place redeemed by the fact of love happening upon it.

A lot of this poem is really very vague. Just a for instance: “The dichotomized virtue that is our spring.” I have no idea what that means, but it’s a compelling line, like it grasps at meaning but doesn’t take. I’m willing to work for meaning, but I’m going to need some more hints. And a lot of this poem progresses this way, rushing past vague-but-compelling line after line without any sort of explanation. Slow down a little! Think these lines out instead of just throwing them down. Expand on your thoughts. There are little stories hiding in this poem, craving more solid examples. Real characters instead of archetypes. Real examples of this love, instead of just talking about it. Love is a good message. Talk about it so richly that the whole of the world will want to do it.


Jen’s Poems
Loki

Memories of a more innocent life.

I do like the opening lines, including “Our boots smashing the blades/of grass.” This is a solid visual, plus boots on a girl are a signifier. Most girls don’t wear boots. It says something about girls who do. “… armed with Marlboro’s/and cherry Slurpees.” This is an activity I’ve participated in. It is a sort of timeless and careless period. Here’s my question – what are your concerns now, that so contrast these careless times? In the way that one can only have shadows with light, childhood (early/middle teenhood, etc) only seems carefree once one has had real-world experience with which to compare it. Give us some examples of the daily grind. Makes the carefree stuff more cherished.


Heartbreak

A girl is involved with a ‘heartbreaker’ that she knows is going to break her heart.

Shades of No Doubt’s “Ex-Girlfriend,” perhaps? Here’s the thing. I want to know the specifics of these other hearts this gentleman has broken, so that I can see the sort of fate ahead of the speaker. If I know how he breaks hearts, I know what this girl is risking. I’d also like to know what’s so great about him that keeps her risking this heartbreak. What sort of new things is he teaching about lust and heartbreak? What exhilarating, clandestine scenarios have they explored on her parent’s couch? I want to hear more about the lust and more about the heartbreak.


Dan’s Story
Utopia

A scientist is in jail after hatching what he thinks is an altruistic plot that ends up causing an awful lot of panic. He’s placed in a cell with one of his patients, and then placed into the Hole for his own safety.

There are like no hints here as to what happened. Not enough clues that an attentive and astute reader could piece it together. That’s kind of unfair. And without knowing what he did, and the reasoning behind it, I find it hard to feel concerned about his welfare. I’m also concerned that he’s naked the whole time. I like the line in the fight scene, “I try to claw at his face but claw nothing but the warm air escaping his nose.” That’s vivid, I can kind of feel the warm air on my own hands. I’d like to see this story starting out with his arrest, perhaps? Like he’s apprehended at the lab (or wherever he does his shadowy deeds), in media res. More and more hints get dropped as he’s booked. Then, in jail, it becomes clear by the others’ reactions to him. The sort of mystery you’re rewarded for unraveling.

Critiques for May Day

Charlie’s Story
Schizophrenia

A man works at a gym with a billiards-loving, schizophrenic janitor with whom he has a cordial relationship.

A few lines that really rang true with me – the way Dan brings up his schizophrenia “in the nonchalant fashion most people use when they talk about the weather.” Dan’s politician-like drive to fulfill his duties. The way he lists off monster movies – I can almost hear the sing-song tone in my head. The way at the party how the narrator and Dan sit together and “share a similar disconnection.” Which is a party feeling I have fought with myself, but why are they disconnected in this instance? Dan doesn’t have any traits, besides mentioning schizophrenia, that one assumes a schizophrenic might have – my big question: what does Dan teach the narrator? What does he gain from Dan’s acquaintance? That seemed to be the direction this story was going in, but I didn’t see a lesson, really.


Jane’s Story
Penny and Antonia

A mother and daughter pair of bullfrogs reminisce about their life on the pond, before the daughter meets a charming frog gentlemen.

This is a really cute idea for a story. I especially like how their phrasing seems sort of Victorian, like they are Victorian bullfrogs, which is just irresistible. A few nit-picky things. “Most of all, when ‘jug-a-rum’ was shouted, the significant other knew who was calling.” This is clever but distracting; significant other is an established term for romantic partner. “More often, the sighting of bluejays and mockingbirds were seen.” The double ‘seeing’ is redundant. I feel as though I’m not sure what this story is about. The ending seems a bit tacked on.

Wynter’s Story
Monster

A young girl has a monster under her bed offering to ‘take care’ of her jerk of a stepfather. Gradually she becomes convinced that this is the best thing to do for the family, but the monster doesn’t take care of things in the manner the girl expected.

I like the fantasy theme applied to a modern setting. A few times, in the descriptions, I felt like I was reliving your dragon story, and like in that one, the descriptions of the creature are strong – “The long, serpentine form seemed to stretch endlessly from the dark corner in which it had been lurking.” There’s a few of Jamie’s actions that read strange to me, such as smiling at the end when she’s explaining what happened. I think a girl in that situation would be panicked and stricken. “She … made a rather good show of looking sullen.” Sounds like she’s making a display of it. Is she sullen, or is she trying to be (and thus being weird)? I like this story, I like the point of this story, I like that it follows an arc and wraps up in a satisfying way. Would you give more solid examples (that is to say, show) why the stepfather deserves to die, or is the moral ambiguity part of the point of the story? At any rate, good work.

Review for Wynter,

Monster:

This was definitely an interesting story. I started out thinking it was going in a totally different direction than it did. I like that it took such a dark turn at the end. You succeeded at creeping me out a bit. I liked the idea of the monster in the story, and thought the description of it was good. I have this image of it being like some kind of twisted, and evil looking Cheshire cat thing. Maybe one thing i would like more of is a little more of a back story into Mya and Ricky's relationship. I wanted to see more of why Ricky is so horrible. Why did he deserve to die? assuming he did. Without much insight into how abusive he was i found myself not really sympathizing with the little girl at all. Other than that i think this is great though.

Review for Jane,

Penny and Antonia:

This story was a nice departure from what i typically read. I actually kept thinking while reading it that you should totally write children's books. I think you have a great imagination, and are able to create characters that leave you wanting to know more about them. The ending, i think, could use a little work. I didn't really feel like it went anywhere. The story just kind of ended. I like the characters though. I think there is a lot you could do with them. You gave use some good description of scenery, and of both Penny and Antonia. In the end i just felt like i wanted more to happen. Maybe actually take them on adventures outside of the pond, and see what sort of trouble they can get into?

Review for Charlie,

Schizophrenia:

I thought this was really well written. You're quite good at making your stories flow in a way that captures my attention. Lots of great description throughout the whole story. I did find myself anticipating the ending, but that was ok with me. I still think it worked. You have your own style, and that brings life to your stories. I don't really have any major objections here. Good work.

Schizophrenia

To: Charlie
From: Jessica
Re: Schizophrenia

Brief Description:
This is a story about a guy who works at a gym and his daily encounters with a janitor named Dan who is schizophrenic. According to the main character, he and Dan have been taking breaks together for 3yrs. He talks about their first encounter, Dan's love of pool, and the pool game with Dan and his brother Leroy. The main character lost at the pool game and seemingly upset Dan who hadn't talked the whole night. The main character is very close to Dan and shares everything with him.

Comments/Suggestions

I liked how this story plays out on a very personal level. Good details throughout though not sure of the main character's name. The story flowed well and the authors voice was pretty good.

To: Wynter

From: Heather

I know how this kid feels because I used to believe in monsters hiding underneath my bed, and being afraid of the dark. The way you explained the cat in detail was good because it gave the reader of the exact type of cat, not just telling us there was a cat in the house. You are good with details and allowing us to visualize what is going on in the story and we can put ourselves right in the middle. This story was realistic and believable because parents usually don’t think their kid sees monsters. Well..this kid did. I liked how you brought the monster into the story and explained what he looked like because I have read so many stories where the monster appears but is never explained.

To: Wynter

From: Heather

To : Jane

From: Heather

Stories about two friends are always enjoyable to read and the experiences they encounter. I like how you take the time to elaborate upon each character and take the time to explain them as a person, not just characters in a story. The story was very laid-back and easy to follow, which I liked. The repetition of the word “remember,” “remembered,” and “remembers,” was intriguing, as I could now imagine the characters sitting on the front porch reminiscing about the “good ‘ol times.” The story tells about “the pond” during the different seasons of the year and I liked how the characters were the same, but everything around them changed.

To: Charlie

From: Heather

I thoroughly enjoyed reading “Schizophrenia,” as I have enjoyed reading your other works and hearing them in class. The visual detail is excellent and in the beginning I can imagine the setting he is in, as I have once belonged to a gym. I especially chuckled at the ling “…that make him look like Chicken Little.” I have experienced people with Schizophrenia in my own life and they act similarly to the character in this story, I think you captured Dan quite well. Reading this story made me wonder if this was taken at all from a real-life experience. I really liked how you developed Dan as a character, but I was looking for more information about the main character himself. I did not understand much of this story, but I liked it nonetheless.

Penny & Antonia

To: Jane
From: Jessica
Re: Penny & Antonia

Brief Description:

This is a story about 2 bullfrogs, a mother and daughter with names listed as the title. The main character Penny talks throughout the story about how shes always lived at the same pond (and describes it). She goes over their daily routine of their visitor Jerome. She fondly recalls the time when she met her husband Stanley and how it was love at first sight. She also thought back to the ice skaters. To pass the time Penny would teach Antonia of certain ideals and they both expressed their wishes of companionship. At the end the encounter a frog who used to live in the same pond a few years back who was visiting for the day. Penny decided to savour that moment since it could have been a relative.

Comments/Suggestions:

I thought this was very sweet little tale. I enjoyed the descriptions of Penny's surrounding home and desires. I feel this story was primarily about Penny. At the same time her daughter only has a brief part. Perhaps try to elaborate more on Antonia's part.

Monster

To: Wynter
From: Jessica
Re: Monster

Brief Description:

This story begins with a little girl names Jamie who is in the same room with her mother and step-father arguing. She is trying to get her mom's attention by stating there is a monster in her room. Eventually her mom (Mya) takes Jamie upstairs and states that she is too old to be thinking of monsters in her room. Her mother is then directed to go back downstairs via Ricky's yelling request. When she is gone and monster appears behind Boss the cat and asks Jamie if she would like to rid of the issue at end (Ricky). At first she protests but upon coming back from tucking in her little brother she agrees and states to complete the job overnight. The monster responds by stating it would be his pleasure. Jamie awakens to hear her mothers screams. The trail of blood leads to Jamie bedroom and she is covered in blood as well. Jamie reminder her mother that it was the monster that did it.

Comments/Suggestions:

I really liked this story. This story can be read by people of adults and young teenagers alike. I liked how the story flowed and the young girls personality. I also liked the premise of her being tempted by a monster. Jamie's voice is good throughout. I would maybe try to go into a bit more detail about why the relationship between her mother and Ricky is not that great. Also the whole teeth thing. How do you see the monster's teeth with its mouth closed?

"Schizophrenia" by Charlie

This piece of fiction is about someone having schizophrenia (Dan) and living day to day
in a complex world. He must take his medicine every day just to be able to cope with
living in general. In the first part of the story, the setting takes place in a gym.
The story is written in the first person, which is good for this story, because I
believe we get to know all the facts and little bits of information more.

You presented a very good dialogue between two people - Dan and the speaker.
Your story read well and I do believe this is the way these two people would
behave. You made your story interesting - and you kept up the interest by
adding such lines as: Leroy, Dan's brother, the Christmas party, monster movies,
and Otis Redding music. What appealed to me the most; however, was the fact
that the speaker presented himself as a compassionate, and caring person to
someone who had a very bad mental disorder.
Charlie, I enjoyed having you in class. Keep up your excellent sense of humor.
It will age you well!

Wynter Hall Comments

“Monster” Response:

Wynter, out of all the short stories I’ve read this semester, this one is my favorite. Let me start by saying your portrayal of the little girl was immaculate. I could picture the personality of this girl to a T. You captured her essence, not only in the dialogue, but in every action that she did. A line I think best shows her personality is when she says to her mom, “Nope. Wasn’t that stupid ol’ cat. It was a monster, I’m telling you.” Even a simple phrase like that helps to paint the perfect image of an 11 year old girl. I also love the part when she hisses back at the cat. In a way that was very cute. Your description of the monster was amazing. The way you described the shadows shifting and the light that wouldn’t dare touch it, the teeth that showed through the closed mouth – perfect! I was thrilled when I found out the monster was the girl’s friend. I felt sorry for her in the beginning, so having the monster on her side gives the reader exactly what they want. The ending was wonderful – did the monster kill her stepfather, or did she? I love that mysterious feeling it leaves you with and as I read the ending I got chills down my spine. Because of your detailed descriptions and intriguing plot the entire story played out in my head like a movie. There are one or two minor grammatical errors I circled in the story, but they shouldn’t be hard to fix. Wonderful Wynter!

Jane Aughenbaugh Comments

“Penny and Antonia” Response:

Nice story Jane, it had kind of a hallmark feel to it. Lines like “actually, just a howdy-do or some small chit-chat would have sufficed,” give it its sweet tone. You have a very distinct way of narrating; I can picture you reading the story aloud. I like how you don’t come right out and say their frogs, the way you introduce their physical feature is the third paragraph does that job well. I didn’t realize frogs hibernated. I did some research and found the same page you must have went to. It turns out they actually do say, “jug-a-rum.” It might read better if you introduce Penny and Antonia as mother and daughter in the first paragraph instead of in the middle of the story. I also found myself wondering what happened to Stanley, you only mention him once. Be careful when it comes to sentence structure, some of the sentences read a little choppy. Overall, great story Jane; it was a pleasure to have you in class.

Carr's Review of Dan's Story 4/24

To: Dan Baldwin
From: Carr Kizzier

Re: “Utopia”

Dan,

Reading this story kind of reminds me of reading a Kurt Vonnegut piece. If you haven’t read much or any of his work, I highly recommend it. And I think that you’ve got something to work with here. The story of a man that has started some sort of cult/rebellion, told from a humorous perspective, sounds like a good one. I encourage you to continue along this path.
At the same time, the story itself doesn’t seem anywhere near complete. We know only the bar rudiments of what has happened – that is a fault in a story where so much depends on us being able to immerse ourselves in this world. You don’t have to do it right away, but eventually. For a good example of how this is done over time, read The Handmaid’s Tale. If you want to see how it is done in a straightforward manner, read Kurt Vonnegut.
OK. There are also some technical isues here. Like your first piece, this one has problems with verb tense. You really need to choose one tense and stick with it. There is also the problem of POV here, too. For some reason you switch to third person as Mr. Jenkins is strangling the doctor. Fix that. Overall, though, I would recommend that you change POV here altogether. I think this story would be interesting as a third person narrative, perhaps written from a character other than the doctor. That way you don’t have to probe his psyche. He can be an enigma, slowly revealed through actions and dialogue.
All right. Good luck with this one.
CK

Carr's Review of Jennifer's poems 4/24

Re: “Heartbreaker” and “Loki”

Jen,

I like the subjects you tackle here in your poems “Heartbreaker” and “Loki.” They both have to do with our youth and education, with our growing up in a certain sense. Good.
“Heartbreaker”, of course, is a lust poem – great – and your best line here is “He’s taught me many things/ of lust and heartbreak.” That seems very true, for these kinds of relationships – the ones that burn so hot they melt your skin – these are the kinds that also tend to lead to the most heartbreak. They burn so hot that they tend to have short lives. But the pain is so sweet!
OK. These are also difficult poems to wrote, these lust poems. For they require that the poet relate in some way the specifics of the cause of that lust. It’s nearly impossible to do in terms of physical description, for the whole nature of the attraction is chemical. So, what I suggest that you focus on in revision is trying to show us what this heartbreaker does, what his hair does. It’s there that you’ll be able to capture some of that feeling, by showing us how he (and his body) acts. We’ll also need plenty of comparisons, and this is where you can use your examples of writing about things you’ve read, about characters you’ve read about. Let them help you to approach this subject.
My favorite part of “Loki” comes at the end. The idea of your only worry being “If,/ I was gonna get carded when I bought my next pack of cigarettes” is so true, and such a nice way to end a poem. That’s very good. And you’ve got some good details, like the “cherry slurpee.” So I think the thing to work on here is showing more, Jen. You start with the details, but then about half-way through you slip into the vague: “Life was light/ Life was fun.” Those are so unspecific that they don’t resonate with the reader. So stick with the real. I think that will also help you to find exactly what it is you want to say about Loki. I’m not sure that’s clear at the moment.
All right. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
CK

Carr's Review of Anna's Poems 4/24

Re: “My Giant” and “Songs from the South”

Anna,

One thing I like about both of these poems is that you use everyday experiences to serve as the frame for your poetry. In “My Giant” you take on a difficult subject: the death of a beloved pet. This is a hard subject to write about – one because it’s sentimental, but maybe moreso because it’s hard to write about a sentimental subject with slipping into something sugary sweet (like your honeysuckle). So I think you’ve made the correct choice to focus instead on your father – and the even draw some parallels between him and the dog. That’s good, and it leads to my favorite line of the poem, “First supportive, then a traitor to love.” I actually think “Traitor to Love” would be a better title here.
Anyhow, one thing I think would improve this poem is a re-thinking of the structure. Right now your narrative frame is uneven – you start with the dog, then move to you dad, then finally get to the story at the restaurant. I suggest that you begin at the restaurant and let the details unfold from there. Don’t get us twisted before we begin if you know what I mean.
All right. “Songs from the South” takes a different perspective. There is no grand subject here. This is a poem about one of those finer, simpler experiences – hanging out as a child, drinking tea. I really like that quality here. It works well. And here I like the way you use the “story” as it were to lead us to a change – the roles of friend and “interloper” have changed by the end of the poem. That works well.
So there are two things I suggest for this one: first, I think you would do well to start the poem with the image of child as interloper. The first four lines seem unnecessary to me. Start with “I am ten.” That has some power and will draw us in.
The second thing I suggest is to really ramp up the imagery here. And the way I suggest you do that is to try and write this poem without adjectives and adverbs. This poem I think would improve with more showing and more vivid detail. Avoid the repetition of the word summer as well – we get it. We’re there with you. Draw us in with the details.
OK, Anna. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
CK

Carr's Review of Israel's Poems 4/24

Israel,

In both of these poems you are attempting to tackle large, seemingly important issues. In “The World,” you are trying to weave an image of our world—disjointed, ugly, noisy, wretched. But what I like is that you also offer up a solution, a way out. You get “A glimpse of the Garden of Eden,” an image that I like very much and that I think you could exploit even more here – way more. And then the poem turns – to love as the answer. I like that, Israel. I think that has a bunch of possibility.
OK. Where I think the poem isn’t working right now is in the imagery. I can see your poetic plans here, and I think they are worthy – but the execution isn’t quite on the mark. For example, you say “These are all the colors/ That are the tapestries of our reality.” The “these” refers to the nouns in your first stanza: “Heaven and hell/ Virtue and sin/ Light and dark.” That’s almost good. But how are those things colors? And how are the colors then tapestries? Tapestries are made of cloth. I don’t see it – because the language isn’t precise enough right now, Israel. So my biggest suggestion right now, Israel, is to remove all indefinite pronouns like these and this from your poem. Don’t let yourself fall back on them. It will help you to be specific. We need to know what exactly all these ‘theses’ refer to. It will help you hone your language skills.
OK. When I read “My Sons, My Daughters” I started thinking of the poems of Rumi, so if you haven’t read any of his work, check it out. By the end, though, I think I realized what you’re driving at here. This seems to me to be a poem about impotence – the inability of one person to save another, the inability of one person to infuse another with spirit, with g-d. That’s a good subject. But I think you’re too vague here, Israel. I don’t think readers will connect because you aren’t talking about real people and real actions. Try to write this same poem about a real person – someone that you see who doesn’t recognize his or her own beauty, someone that you see shining with g-d’s love. But give us the real details. I think that poem could really come to life.
OK. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
CK

Review for Jen:

Heartbreaker

I like the images in this poem. "Pulls in the smoke and lets it out" "long dark curly hair" "long embracing kiss" These are good. You speak of this person as if they have broken many hearts before, and i was wondering while reading how you knew this. Perhaps delve a bit deeper into this relationship. The images are strong, and give structure to what can be an intriguing story. Who is this guy with the Marlboro reds and long curly hair?

Loki

The first thing to really jump out at me was the line "our boots smashing the blades of grass" I really like this image, and am jealous i didn't think of it first... I definitely think this is the stronger of the two poems. Again, some strong imagery, and i could relate to the feeling of being young and having such unimportant concerns such as "if i was gonna get carded when i bought my next pack of cigarettes." It brought back memories of my own past.

Review for Anna:

My Giant

This poem made me sad, but in a positive way. The process of aging is a good subject i think, because it is something everyone will experience, no matter how hard people try to avoid it in this day and age. You describe the father of your past and the father of your present very well. "My dad, once young, strong, intimidating." and "body weighted with age and disease" these are both strong images. I like that you used Pandy, the dog, to sort of symbolize a strength that will never age. Never die.

Songs from the South

With this poem i can close my eyes and picture this perfectly. "The smell on summer breezes" "Yellow and black bees and butterflies" "billowy white clouds..." These are all images that evoke the south in ones mind. It makes you almost forgot you are grown up, and i find myself reverting back to my childhood. My mother is from North Carolina, and i would spend summers there so perhaps this poem speaks to me from experience. I really enjoyed this one.

Jen comments

Heart breaker: short, sweet and to the point.
Loki: i like how it started off like a war story
"I remember walking across
the field with you
Our boots smashing the blades
of grass
We were armed with Marlboro's
" then goes about lost love i really like this one.

Israel comments

The World: this one made me thing of ying and yang (think i spelled that right) the duallaty of man good and evil all that jazz but it made me think i like how he compared emotions with seasons.

My Sons, My Daughters: um i like its deep just like all of Israels piece makes you think. i like it

Jen Burghardt Comments

“Heartbreaker” Response:

Nice poem, I really like the title. The first several lines are full of good imagery. The line, “He lights his Marlboro Red…pulls in the smoke and lets it out,” gives me a good visualization of this person. When I read those lines I started to picture James Dean, which in a way gave the poem an initial sense of coolness and poise. I also like that you included the brand of cigarettes he’s smoking, being specific never hurts. You come out and tell us the mood in line three when you write, “He sits there with that cool look about him…” That line works, but I would consider showing us instead of telling us like the way you did in the first two lines. I also found myself wanting to know more about the setting. For example, maybe the character could be sitting on the roof of a car or maybe on a park bench. The best line of the poem is obviously, “I’ll be his next broken heart.” It’s a great line to end with. Despite the lingering feeling of sadness it gives the reader, the last line inexplicably maintains that feeling of coolness.

“Loki” Response:

I enjoyed this poem and in a way it was written very eloquently. I love the imagery of the boots smashing the blades of grass as you walk across the field. Like your first poem, you mention Marlboros and I’m beginning to think you fancy them. My favorite line is when you write, “And I could still believe then it would be like this forever…” It’s a very deep line and like most people who read this poem, I found a way to relate to it. The thought of looking back on life and thinking of memories that are far gone send chills down your spine. It wasn’t clear to me whether you’re main focus was on a past relationship or just the past in general. The first half of the poem puts an emphasis on this relationship, but the last half seems to look at other aspects of the past, especially the last line. In retrospect it may not even matter. If I were you I’d listen to the last two minutes of Meat Loaf’s “Objects In The Rear View Mirror.” It’s very similar to your poem and would be a good source of inspiration if you decide to change anything.

Dan Baldwin Comments

“Utopia” Response:

This story was a fun read; I couldn’t wait to get to the end to find out what crimes the doctor had committed. The first paragraph does a good job of introducing the doctor and helps the reader get an understanding of how his mind works. It’s written in a tone that suggests maybe he’s crazy or at the very least a megalomaniac. I thought the dialogue was well versed, especially in the scene when the doctor realizes who his cell mate is. One of the most important lines of the story is when the guard says, “Tax payers want to watch him die…” In real life under these circumstances, a man wouldn’t be sentenced to death; he would be put into a mental health facility. In the story however, the doctor’s fate creates the image of a martyrdom which in turn transcends his physical death into the death of ideals. I could be overanalyzing it, but I got the impression you’re story was intended to have a greater meaning.

Anna Ransom Comments

“My Giant” Response:

I was extremely impressed with the emotion you were able to convey in the reader. A clear example of this can be found in the line “Dad is alone now, divorced and resigned to daily calls from children who have children of their own…” Another line that stood out for me was “My giant of a man – my dad. Longing for one more day with an aged, arthritic dog…” Those lines and several others throughout the poem left me with a deep feeling of sorrow, which from a literary standpoint is probably a good thing. Your descriptions were also amazing. I love how you compare the noise you hear in the restaurant to a symphony and how the words lingered in the room after your dad had spoken. You also did great in describing you’re father’s love for the dog. This was a very well written poem and I don’t think I would change a thing.

“Songs from the South” Response:

This poem has many of the same descriptive qualities as your first one. It makes me think of my own childhood when I used to play in the field behind my house. I can picture everything so clearly, the smell of the honeysuckles, the noise of the ice cubes as they clang inside the cup. My favorite part of the poem is when you describe the butterflies and the bees and how they’re drawn to the nectar on your fingers. I thought it was funny when you referred to them as interlopers, especially after I read the definition: One that interferes with the affairs of others, often for selfish reasons. For some reason the thought of bees and butterflies being described in such human terms comes across as funny. I also noticed the repetition of the word summer which was used in front of several things, “summer bronzed fingers,” “summer tea.” That works well because it lets the readers know you associate those things with summer. Great poem, I wouldn’t change a think in this one either.

Israel Comments

“The World” Response:

Israel, you’re poem is very deep. I like how you compared good and evil to colors on a tapestry and the four seasons to different emotions. Your short stanzas and word choice help to create a nice rhythmical flow. Furthermore, I think the philosophical and moral views you were trying to convey are admirable. The importance of love is certainly not understated and you do a good job of giving examples. There are however major things I would consider revising. Though I agree with your assertions on the human condition, others may not, mainly because they’re too direct and leave little room for disagreement. It’s been my experience that when you tell someone 2 + 2 = 4, their first reaction will be to disagree with you. I suggest that instead of telling you’re readers what to think, show them. Take a more descriptive approach and drawl the reader in by allowing them to visualize virtue, sin, tenderness, passion…

My Sons, My Daughters:

This poem is very strong and like the first one it flows very well. I had trouble determining who it was addressed to, God, a child, or maybe just all people in general, but how much you care about your subject is certainly evident. This is clear when you write lines like “Do you realize that the only reason why I’m here is for my eyes to gaze upon you,” and “When you smile angels are born…” Strong lines like those tell the reader how passionate you are toward who you’re writing about. My favorite line is “Why the shame that haunts your eyes, why the mocking laughter that taunts your waking hours?” The words flow so well together and the reader gets a strong sense of urgency and depth when you talk about the mocking laughter and how it taunts your every hour. Overall, I thought this poem was very well written and enjoyable to read.

Felicia Plato Comments

“The Anti-Valentines Day Story” Response:

I enjoyed this story. I got real excited in the first paragraph when I read, “…this time Melisa and Sarah would be doing something different.” I guess I thought the story was going in another direction. I like the way you step back and explain certain things. For example, how Melisa and Sarah compliment each other and how the Hand-Me-Down house got its name. I like that after the Vodka is poured into the water bottles you write, “…and Melisa drank them like they were water.” Lines like that give the story a humorous, yet realistic feel. It had a few spelling mistakes that I noticed: “done,” in paragraph twelve should be down, and “he,” in paragraph thirty should be her. I thought the ending was good, but I think you should include what Sarah said in the message to Kevin.

Marybeth Comments

“Hey, It Happens” Response:

Wow, this is a great story! First of all, I love the point of view you decided to write in. Putting the reader in the main characters shoes is very unique and it worked extremely well in this story. Secondly, I was very impressed with your humor. One of my favorite lines was, “Before you go inside, he has to get on his tip-toes to peer through the high window in the front door to make sure that his obese mother isn’t walking around naked…” I don’t know how you think of these things, but lines like that really make the story what it is. I also love the fact that you gave this story a moral. In the last sentence you write, “You’ve learned a valuable lesson about judging someone by his taste in music.” This line is my favorite because it gives the story a meaning, yet at the same time it enforces the theme of humor. Great story! I would not change a thing!

Matt Comments

“Slip Away” Response:

Your poem is very deep. I love the descriptive words you’ve used in many of your lines. For example, “shades of darkened grays,” “wine tinted smile” and “churning in the bitter dark.” Lines like that not only give description, but they create the mood of the poem. The mood, to me, was sad and almost hopeless. Another line I really loved was, “silence was the answer to questions we sustained.” I could be wrong, but that line gave me the impression of two people questioning their relationship who were to afraid to say anything. I was a little puzzled with the line, “traction in the city drew me towards this fate.” It would be nice if you added a few lines telling us what role the city had in creating your fate. Overall, it’s a great poem.

“Untitled” Response:

The first several lines of this poem had the same feel as “Slip Away.” I love the lines, “Glass stained of longing. Nestled in an ivory cage.” Glass is a good metaphor for a shattered heart, but what does the ivory cage represent? Is it a metaphor for the body? My favorite line from this poem is the last line, “I am main lining on dreams.” I don’t even know what main lining means, but the words sound really good together. There’s a point in the poem about halfway through where you seem to go in another direction. The first six lines describe the shattered heart, but the last nine lines talk about how it’s affecting you, how it changes you’ve view of the world. I love this poem; it’s one of my favorites. It’s probably a good idea, however, to think of a title for it.

Jessica Fugate Comments

“Facade” Response:

I like this poem. You do an excellent job of conveying your emotion to the reader. I think my favorite line is, “Allow me to be the person I am afraid of.” That’s a great way to put it because a lot of people are afraid of just being themselves. Another line I liked was “I want to be freed,” that line really sums up the whole poem. It’s as if you’re trapped and you have to be freed before you can truly be yourself. You gave some good examples of what you would be like without your façade; throwing your shoes in a pile of clothes on the floor, wiping off all your makeup. The examples you gave were both physical actions, I would love it if you went into detail about how your personality changes, what kind of things you may think or say differently. There isn’t much I would change, nice work.

“Entangled” Response:

I enjoyed this poem as well. The first line, “Slowly watch it drop, from the ceiling,” gets the readers attention. It made me curious as to what you were describing and what was dropping from the ceiling. Though you never come out and say it, I assumed the poem is about a relationship. On the other hand, it could easily be about a friend or a family member. When I read the line, “Now trapped, in a web you have created,” I would have liked more detail. Maybe talk in less metaphoric terms and describe the events creating this web. I love the ending, how the other person gets caught up in his own web and is forced to cut you both loose. It’s a very creative ending and helps to unify the poem.

Heather Wiegand Comments

“The Only Way I Can Say This To You” Response:

I enjoyed reading this poem; you can tell it’s from the heart. I like the first line of the poem that asks the question, “Why do we keep running back to each other?” The lines that follow do a pretty good job of answering that question. A line I was very curious about was, “when love runs out romance ends.” When I first read that line I assumed that your love ran out, but as I continued reading it became clear that you didn’t want the romance to end. It makes me wonder whether or not your love actually ran out. One of my favorite lines is, “worth tears shed and miles driven.” I can kind of relate to this because when I’m going through a rough time, the only thing that clears my head is getting in my car and just driving. This is a great poem and there isn’t much I would change.

“I Won’t Crash…Not This Time” Response:

First of all, I love the title “I Won’t Crash…Not This Time”, it’s very funny. The first line is a great start to this poem, “loud exhaust, not so loud boy.” The first line gives the poem a sort of laid back and cool feel. I love when you use the one word lines, “one, two, me, and you…” Because of the fast pace it’s kind of like your writing a stream of consciousness which works great in this poem. When I read the line, “the words come easy, stories make us laugh,” I thought you could have been more descriptive. It might be a good idea to include a story or two that made you laugh. Another line I was curious about was, “I feel jaded.” What exactly do you mean by this line, what kind of life experiences cause you to feel jaded? Overall, it’s a very good poem.

Heart Breaker

To: Jen Burghart
From: Jessica
Re: Heart breaker

I really liked the rhyme scheme in this poem. But I would try to go into more detail about this so called heart breaker. You describe him as cool and irresistible. What makes him those things? Show us what you think is cool and irresistible.

Loki

To: Jen Burghart
From: Jessica
Re: Loki

This poem is a definite improvement from your previous work. This poem provides us more of an insight into you as a person and writer. The suggestions I would have is the line, "it would be like this forever". What would be like this forever? Go into more detail with this point you are trying to make. Also the title. Not sure if it means low key or something else.

My Sons, My Daughters

To: Israel Loeb
From: Jessica
Re: My Sons, My Daughters

I really enjoyed this poem and thought it expressed a different side of you. This poem exudes a great deal of heartache and yearning. I really liked the second stanza, "Do you know that the earth walks with you, the sun shines for you...". Also liked" I wonder, do you truly believe, do you understand, hearts melt at the sight of you, the world turns in different directions, because of you". Very well written and my favorite thus far.

The World

To: Israel Loeb
From: Jessica
Re: The World

This poems was a personal look into the lightness and darkness of today's society. The cure/hope for change in this poem is love. I liked the ending in this poem, thought it summed it up nicely. "Emotion, that no longer make g-ds notes sing the blues, and perhaps, at last will turn, hell into heaven, sin into virtue, and dark into light". The only suggestions I would have is to describe the colors in the opening line. What colors come to mind that represent darkness? Also describe the woman's eyes. What do they look like turned dead?