review 8: Felicia Plato

In Snow, there are some nice sensory images like "sea of blankets", "red sleds" which we imagine agianst white hills, and the softness "like an angel's wing". You begin by describing the effect snow has on you- an excitement, child like giddyness- but then you lapse into a description of the snow itself before returning to more description of the snow's emotional effect- the playfulness outside and the intimacy of getting warm with someone- where I imagine a fire and hot chocolate. I would suggest reorganizing the images to describe the snow first and then the way we react, the sentimental feelings attached. Also, I think these thoughts could either be expanded upon or deepened in another way. If you want to take the route of sparse prose like W.C. Williams, the words must be powerful, purposeful, packed with meaning, dense and tactile. Here is an example by Mary Oliver:
The Plum Trees

Such richness flowing
through the branches of summer and into

the body, carried inward on the five
rivers! Disorder and astonishment

rattle your thoughts and your heart
cries for rest but don't

succumb, there's nothing
so sensible as sensual inundation. Joy

is a taste before
it's anything else, and the body

can lounge for hours devouring
the important moments. Listen,

the only way
to tempt happiness into your mind is by taking it

into the body first, like small
wild plums.

In Ache, I like your approach of describing the Ache by what it does- that it keeps you up at night, brings you to your knees, controls and consumes you- since the pain itself is something you can not describe. This is good, we understand from the actions what is not conveyed by words like "sad" and "pain". You can still move further in that direction to really paint the picture- instead of saying controls and consumes say how. Give more real details. We can all relate to lying in bed being kept awake by our thoughts so maybe begin there. You could use that experience to explain or represent the whole. This works well in poetry, letting a neat little microcosm stand for the whole messy truth.