Carr's Review of Meaghan's Poems 9-19

To: Meaghan
From: Carr Kizzier

Re: “For Mary Oliver” and “Poo-tee-weet? (why I gave up poetry)”

Meaghan:

In both of your poems, “For Mary Oliver” and “Poo-tee-weet? (why I gave up poetry)” you are addressing fellow poets. I think this is a good idea. It makes your poems more personal – I suppose because they are structured as conversations. It’s a good technique, and I think it fits with your style here.
So let’s look at “Mary Oliver.” You have some wonderful images: “harmonica notes rubbing each other raw”; “the wind’s pattern on the water is not the wind.” Those are very good. I also like the question you ask in the final stanza: “why this endless translation?” And I think the structure here, of describing all the things that “it” is not before telling us that “it is given shape in all this” is solid. That’s an effective way to approach the subject.
So my main question is, What is the subject? I don’t know exactly, and for me it’s your second stanza that’s getting in my way. What’s causing me the block there, I think, is the number of pronoun reference errors. You use a nameless “it” there five times (and seven altogether in the poem), and for me just what this “it” is doesn’t become clear by the end. Therefore, my main suggestion is to write the poem without all the its. Maybe the opening one works, but later I think you need to either come back to images or give us a reference. Maybe showing us some things that “it” is. I don’t know. But I think we should know what you’re trying to tell Mary Oliver, and why she’s the one to tell – even if we don’t have any clue who she is. Does that make sense?
All right. “Poo-tee-weet? (why I gave up poetry),” a protest poem – hooray!
You have an excellent first line here: “words are never so important.” That rings true to me, so why not give us several examples – like in the first stanza after “vocabularies.” And then again, in the fourth stanza you use a good image of grocery lists – so give us a grocery list of the things the bbc host says. Use your images to your advantage. Right now I don’t think you’re fully exploiting the potential of all your setup, which is just bursting with potential.
OK. Watch out again for the pronoun reference error syndrome in third stanza. And let’s take a look at the closing. This seems to me to be a poem about words, so take particular care with them. You have a nice image of “sandalwood prayers” before you close. So think about using that to end. Try and give us some words that people use when they pray. When Kahlil prays. Try giving just the words, maybe even separating each one with a full stop (period). See how it sounds.
All right. These poems have much potential, Meaghan. Keep working on following through on the images. Good luck and see me with questions.

Carr