Carr's Review of Erin's Poems 9-19

To: Erin
From: Carr Kizzier

Re: “A Song for Small Souls” and “Abortion”

Erin:

I like the idea for this cento poem, “A Song for Small Souls.” You’ve chosen some good lines and put them together in a coherent way. Right now I think your most powerful instances are the opening and closing images – “bartered and sold”; “night filled with music.” Those work well.
So, a couple of things. The thing to work on here is mainly TRANSITIONS, I think. The first instance where you would benefit from a stronger one is from “bartered and sold” to “We passed.” I suggest a space break there, as wel as a filling out of the first “stanza”. Next I think a transition between “twenty years” and “Then” is in order. And then you move from an image of dawn to an image of darkness. Why? Dawn to me is a lightening, and yet we close with the “night shall be filled with music.” I need a better connection.
OK. “Abortion” is a good old fashioned issue poem, kind of like Meaghan’s protest poem. Hot topics like abortion are good ones to explore in poetry. So how do you make such a divisive issue resonate? My suggestion is to always make the poem more personal, to give us a real example. For instance, we’ve all read about the twelve-year-old who was raped by her father and needs an abortion, but most of us haven’t had any real experience with that, and so it stays in the realm of the general, and doesn’t ring true. Remember O’Brien’s qualifications. We’ve got to feel it. In our stomachs. So try to give us a true story here – not true in the sense of actually happened, but true in the sense that we can feel it. Think back to your own teen years and write about the way you felt then. We’ll be able to relate to that more.
On a technical note, definitely axe the all caps format. It’s almost impossible to read.

OK. Good luck with your material here. Let me know if you have questions. Thanks.

Carr