review 2: April Meehan

The figures of speech and local flavor in your language are fun to read and give your character real depth. Lines like the one about an elephant on his chest are very fresh and quirky- I like this guy. This is a well developed character sketch with half a dozen outlets into a larger story: the son, the wife, the mother all seem like figures we could happily read more about. Or, it could stand alone. There are a few times you don't give your reader enough credit. Sometimes you can allow us to infer your meaning: "june 16th 2004, [to be exact]" and "[how silly,] she'd been gone for fifty years" and "first in the bedroom and last to leave, [if you know what I mean?]" are places where there is unnecessary commentary. Otherwise, I think any story writer or essayist could benefit from an exercise where you try to find 50-100 words you can throw out. Maybe in a piece this short, look for 25 words. (There are more specific critiques and suggestions on the hard-copy.)