Review for Sarah Dillon's poems 9/12

Sarah:

I really like the idea of your first poem, “Homeward Bound.” A poem about one’s city is always a good idea, particularly when you’re going to go down to the “nitty gritty” as you say. Right now my favorite part of the poem is in the second stanza: the first time you say, “Right down to the nitty gritty/This is what we call charm city.” I like the rhyme in that line, and you repeat it in the second stanza to bring it back to us.
Overall, though, your poem would benefit from the inclusion of more specific details, more of the real dirt. Right now this seems like only a surface glimpse – it doesn’t really convince the reader that the author has real experience with the subject. So strive to make us see what you see – the little things especially. One thing you might do is try the poem without the rhyme scheme. It might free you up to include more details, to make the poem longer. Your wit and power of observation are longing to break free here, Sarah. So let them.
OK. “Philo 101” has much more flavor and attitude right now. Why? Because right away you grab us with a real voice: “Oh, I can’t go there,” is a kind of tease. That works well to draw us in. Then you start talking about real things – the kinds of things we all do every day: flirt, wonder, hope. That’s good material for a poem.
So again, stick with it. Give us the details we need. Let them come from you. For example, in line 6 you say the features are “timeless and chiseled in stone.” That’s cliché. Instead shoot for a comparison, maybe even a figure from the course, some philosopher or something. That would be fresh and interesting. And you get vague in line 7 with the inclusion of “another.” Another what? You’re taken already? There’s another person in the class you have your eye on? Try and be specific while retaining your poetic language.
I like how you start to close the poem, with the flow of the curses. That works, but the last line begs for another, a real closing line, a line that will give the poem some larger meaning (larger in the sense of more meaning for you, not large in the sense of grandiose).
All right. You’ve got some good material to work with here, Sarah. Keep working on it and see me with questions.
CK