Carr's Review of Sarah's poems 11-28

To: Sarah
From: Carr

Re: “Pa-Cee-If-I-Cee” & “The Sarah Spectrum”

Sarah,

There are some things I really like about “Pa-Cee-If-I-Cee”. The whole sea imagery is working for me very well, and I like very much those sections where it stands out: they seem to be four-line clusters – “It took me a long time…”; “I spent hours…”; and “I’ve never been sailing …” (this last one has six lines, but I think you could cut it down to four). Within those clusters I like the way the lines work, particularly “tinsel strewn, blue cellophane”; “calibrating my compass rose”; and “except under a blue sea of sheets.” I think it’s the specific details of those lines that drew me to them. And also the slight unusualness to them. I was hooked by the cellophane sea. I thought that was really cool.
OK. That said, many of the other lines here don’t do much for me. All the “And you know that I am leaving” business doesn’t ring as true. It doesn’t strike any chord within me. So I have two suggestions: First, I suggest you cut out all those lines where you use or refer to the word “you”. See how the poem reads without that commentary (that’s what it is). And second, try reorganizing your poem so that you start with the four lines of “I spent hours…”; then move to “I’ve never been sailing …”; then close with “It took me a long time…” You’ll probably want to add another four-line stanza or section, but try it and see how it sounds. I think it will give us an interesting feel. Very sea-ish.
Cool.

On to “The Sarah Spectrum”. If nothing else, this is a great title for a poem, and it plays right into the idea of color here. Nicely played. Right now the colors that stand out to me are hazel and tan. The hazel because you do a nice job of repeating that not only in the hazel stanza, but then again later, where you have your best image of the poem: “reflects … off the mirrored edifices.” I like the hazel.
I can’t say the same for the tan. Maybe because it’s such a neutral color, but I found its repetition clunky. Maybe you could go for the same color, but use some objects or images that will call forth the idea. I don’t know.
I also found the transition from stanza four to the “guitar” stanza harsh. Is there a way to hint at or even mention the guitar earlier, so that we are ready for it to appear again later? Think about it.
In the end, this is a poem that I don’t quite get yet. I really like the way that you close – the last two lines are strong, I think – but the poem isn’t leading up to that for me right now. It seems a little disjointed. So maybe work on making it a little more coherent – maybe even with a frame (I had to get that in there).

All right. I’ve really enjoyed reading your work this semester, Sarah. Take care and good luck at Goucher.
Peace,
Carr